Mirror Mirror Can't You See, What You Show Is Killing Me

How can I eat? [Chapter 23]

(Writing this because I myself am struggling with anorexia. I've defeated ana, but she creeps back into my thoughts every once in a while. I write my feelings so I don't act on them) 

As soon as I step into the cafeteria I know I'm in trouble. There's food everywhere. I mean, duh, it's a cafeteria, but knowing that I'll be expected to eat it overwhelms me. How could I let myself go? 

Fatty

Cow 

Doesn't care anymore, does she? 

I hope the bullet hits where it's supposed to next time

I can already hear the insults that will no doubt follow me when I get out, pumped full of food and empty promises. I know I should eat. Logically, it's unhealthy to be anorexic, it takes twenty-five years off your life. Ana kills your metabolism. 

I know I shouldn't starve, but eating so much is unhealthy too isn't it?? The plates they're handing out are piled with so much food, mashed potatoes stacked to the sky. A horrid, forceful wave of grease-smell hits me with such intensity I stumble. How can anyone eat this, all of this, and ask for more?  

A steady line of people streams in and out the doors. A nurse kindly, but firmly pushes me forward to the line.  There's a name on every tray, and I dry-heave when I see what's on mine. A thick grilled cheese sandwich, the rubbery cheese exploding out of the calorie-filled bread. A tower of mac'n'cheese stares down at me from the throne it holds in my mind. 

On the side, there's a creamy nightmare. Vanilla ice cream. A milk carton glowers at me. The only familiar thing is the half cup of fruit. I can see every one of the calories in each of these servings. 

Grilled cheese- 142 calories 

Mac n cheese-200 

Ice cream-176 

Milk carton-122 

Fruit-54 

The cook sighs and motions for me to move along. I've been standing here for an indefinite amount of time. Others are getting impatient. My feet bring me to the table with the rest of the loners. A girl sits, staring blankly out the window, next to me. She shoves food into her mouth without even looking at it. 

When I sit down she lets out a small laugh. 

"What?" I demand, "What's so funny?" I know she's laughing at the fat cow next to her. Me. 

"You got the make-the-anorexic-eat-again starter pack," She giggles. 

"What?" All indignation gone from my voice, I'm genuinely confused. 

"Did you happen to notice all the dairy products? They're trying to stuff as much protein as they can into you. The rest of us just get crap," she points to her own plate, which has some sort of lopsided pizza bagel, and a couple shapeless tater tots. 

"Do you want mine?" I ask hopefully. She looks around quickly, and, satisfied, grabs my grilled cheese with lightning fast fingers. Over the next fifteen minutes, my mac n cheese, ice cream, and milk disappear as well. She glances at my fruit cup doubtfully and shakes her head. 

"You should eat something. Don't want you dying on us or anything," she mutters regretfully. To appease her, I bite into a small strawberry (4 calories). I finish off the fruit cup, shoving a few grapes down my bra. I can't let myself eat all of that can I? 

I shiver in the disgust, and dump my tray under the watchful eye of an orderly. She nods in approval at my empty plate, and I let out a sigh of relief. Maybe I can get out of this place without becoming a monster.