Mirror Mirror Can't You See, What You Show Is Killing Me

Worth [Chapter 22]

"Caia," Mrs.Finch's voice pulls me out of my reverie. I was remembering the time me and Cas dated twins, "You asked to switch therapists, and I think it'd be good if you took advantage of that. 

"Yeah, right. I'm sorry, just remembering." I exhale. 

"Remembering Cas, Abby, and Kat?" she asks, offering me a gentle smile. I like how she uses their names, instead of 'your friends' or the dreaded 'them'. 

"Yeah." I nod wistfully. 

"Feel the need to talk about it?' she inquires. 

"Not really, but I promised Ky I'd try to get better," I respect that if I said I didn't she's let me change the subject. 

"So you're doing this for Ky?" she prompts, "Not for yourself?" 

"Let's be honest, I'm not worth much,"  

"Of course you are," she looks genuinely appalled, "Why would you think you aren't." 

"Well let's see, I'm a double suicide failure," I count off on my fingers, "I have trust issues the size of Texas, and my chance of being happy is about as likely as MCR getting back together."

"MC what?" her eyebrows knot up and it's hard not to laugh. 

"But the biggest reason," I say, saving her from having to ask what MCR is, "Is that worth is based on who you are. Unfortunately, I have long since lost who I am."  

"Well," she takes this new information in, "Let's start with what you think is the underlying event that made you." 

"The suicide," I respond automatically. 

"I thought so," she concedes, "Why is that what made you?" 

"Because I survived and they didn't." I shrug, trying not to think about that fact.

"Okay, but you said the word survive. Not fail. So you have to be somewhat relieved you're not dead." She raises her eyebrows.

"That, you can attribute to Ky." I smile.

"Alright, so what do you you think makes you now?" I think she's hoping I'll say Ky.

"Still the suicide." I bite my lip. 

"How so?" she writes down something in her notebook. 

"I visit their graves all the time, all the other survivors and I meet up every Friday. I don't go a single day without thinking of them." I recount just a few of the reasons. 

"The other survivors?" A puzzled expression crosses her face. 

"Kat's twin sister, Abby's older sister, Cas's boyfriend, and Ky. He would have been my survivor," The would have been catches me off guard, and I have to swallow a sudden lump in my throat. 

"But look at it this way, since you survived, he didn't have to go through that," she soothes. I want to let her words comfort me, but I can't believe he's better off with me alive. 

"If I died, he would've gotten over it. He's had to deal with me for 2 years, I'm sure he's not exactly happy with that." I mutter sarcastically. 

"If he wasn't,why is he still here for you? And don't say he feels sorry for you. No one can feel 2 years and tons of good memories sorry. Pity doesn't stretch that far," she smiles, laughing at a joke only she understands.  

"I guess but. . ." I shake my head, "I just don't know." 

"It's hard to change an ingrained habit, right?" She looks at me for confirmation. I nod. 

"Well, that concludes our session for today, thank you for opening up" 

I salute her and walk back to my room. Her words sounded nice, but I'm not quite ready to buy into fairy tales. I need more proof.