Mirror Mirror Can't You See, What You Show Is Killing Me

Would You Still Be There [Chapter 9]

 Kat Franklin, 

2000-2013

Singer, Friend, Victim To Suicide

What doesn't kill you make's you wish you were dead. 

Her grave still seems fresh, although it's been here almost two years now. She left it in her will, that her tombstone have those words engraved on it.

"I'm so sorry," I whisper, tears tracing my enhanced cheekbones, "It's all my fault." I place the black roses the ground. She always did love black roses, mostly because they were so rare and beautiful. She said they were flowers for emo girls.

"Do you even know how much I miss you? How much I want to join you?" I placed my hand against the soft earth, imagining myself under it. Do you think Ky would take me coffin shopping? Probably not. 

I wish that she could respond, she could make some dumb joke about me fingering her grave. But she can't. I move on. 

Cassidy Szarek 

2000-2013

Phan trash, Friend, Scapegoat

Pretty Girls Don't Eat. 

Her gravestone made me smile a bit. She did love her Phan. I wish she was here to laugh at this with me. She'd think it was pathetic, me visiting her grave when she wasn't even in it. I wish she'd just roll her eyes at me and tell me how stupid I am. 

"I'm coming soon. You don't have to wait much longer. Sorry that it's been a while, I miss you." 

I wonder what my grave stone should say, could I get buried beside them? 

I shake my head to clear that thought, Ky told me to at least think about it. Graveyards should come with a trigger warning. 

Abigail Forgie 

1999-2013

Sister, Friend, Martyr 

It's not who's in your life that hurts you, it's who left. 

How true. Did you realize that you left me? Do you know how much that hurt? 

"Is it nice up there?" Longing fills my voice as I imagine it. All of us reunited, together at last. I feel a sharp pain in my heart as I realize Ky won't be there. Oh well, one day he'll join me. 

I think I should go out with a bang, really do something special in my last days. After all, people only die once they've begun to live. 

Maybe I'll eat a little before I go. Just so I can remember what it's like when I'm dead. Do you feel anything when you're dead? I don't know, this is all pretty scary. But it's scarier to imagine living without them another year. 

If I could find the words to say

If I could shake the world today 

If I could turn back time 

Would you still be there?

Lyrics of an old Of Mice & Men song come back to me. Were there words I could've said? I don't know, I wish I could turn back time though, I would have made sure my rope wasn't faulty. Better yet I wouldn't have let them do it at all. 

I need food. Screw it, I need chocolate. I walk to the Dairy Queen across the street and order a chocolate chip cookie dough blizzard. I pour the ice cream into my mouth, glad for the distraction from my pain.

As soon as the ice cream hits my stomach I know I made a mistake. I cannot do this, I cannot eat. I should be strong. I'm a screw up. I run to the parking lot and make sure no one's looking, then I shove my fingers into the back of my throat, throwing up every bit of that disgusting food.

Even though I know it all came up, I keep prodding the back of my throat until I'm sure nothing else will come. When I'm satisfied, I stand up, needing to get home and to the bathroom so I can rinse my mouth out. I turn sharply when I hear a voice behind me. 

"Caia?" It's Ky, and there are tears in his eyes.