Mirror Mirror Can't You See, What You Show Is Killing Me

30 Days [Chapter 11]

30 days. 

30 days to say good-bye, let them know I loved them, and try to convince Ky to stay. I know I have to leave, but Ky has a life ahead of him, he has friends. His parents love him, and it would break their heart to lay him in the ground.

Ky doesn't need to die, that I know. I could do it without him, do it a day early. But then he would kill himself as soon as he found out. Maybe in my suicide note I can tell someone to keep an eye on him? Riley would be the perfect one for that.

My suicide note. . .what should I say? I don't want to be cliche', no 'good-bye cruel world'. I think I'll just let them know I died two years ago, I'm just finishing the job. It's not right making a dead girl pretend to be alive. sign it less than 3. <3

I know I should be scared of death, but I'm not. I'm curious, I want to see my best friends again, want to tell them how much everyone misses them. But then again, what's death like? Is it bright white light stretching to infinity?

Heaven or hell? Where am I going? My mum tells me that all sinners go to hell, and suicide is sin. But God wouldn't punish someone for hating their life enough to end it would he? I think he would be the first to welcome me.  

And then. . .I'll see them again. I wonder what the reunion will be like? Will they be mad I made them wait so long? Sad I left? Or just happy to see me? 

And the people I'm leaving, Kiara, Riley, and Maddie. But they'll be ok. They won't miss me, they'll just keep missing the ones they lost. 

But Ky will miss me. That makes me feel guilty. He's already lost so much, how could I do this to him? 

How could I not? How could I go on living? Exactly, I can't. Ky will move on, he'll get over me. But it's been two years, and I've never forgotten the best friends I lost. I still cry every time I go to Warped Tour, visit Hot Topic, or even listen to a Bring Me The Horizon song. Drown was the song they died to.

The song I should have died to. 

The song I will die to.

The last thing I ever hear will be Oli's beautiful voice. I can  live with that. wait, no. I can die with that. It's funny how suicidal my sense of humor is. . . Just like me. Honestly though, I'm ready. Ready to die.

Staring at my ceiling, I'm very aware of how I'll never see it again. Never again see the band posters on my wall, never again listen to a BMTH song. But if heaven is all that, then won't there be everything I love? Heaven is supposed to be happy, and I know I won't be happy without BMTH.

But I won't be happy without Kat, Cas, and Abby either. So yeah, death it is. Can't wait for everyone to talk about how psycho I was, how it's better for everyone else with me dead. 

Can't wait to make the world a better place.