Harry Potter OC Critiques [PAUSED]

5 - Coolcupcakechicken

[oh look, this is on time for once.]

Full name: Chloe Cloaks (I know Cloaks is not a real surname)

[*looks into the camera like on the Office* so why are you using it

Surnames that aren't real aren't real surnames and thus wouldn't be used. There are thousands of surnames for most cultures.

HOW HARD IS IT TO GOOGLE FOR LIKE FIVE MINUTES UNTIL YOU FIND A SURNAME YOU LIKE

ASDFGHJKL

A+ on the first name though, it's both used in Britain and a good name]

Nicknames, Titles, etc: She doesn't have any.

[n/a is the general format but ok]

General Appearance: She's got long, brown hair and cold green eyes. Her lips are thicker than average, but nothing special. Her nose is pretty big.
["cold green eyes" it's all in the expression you can't actually have "cold" eyes

Also green eyes make up 2% of the population and 88% of fanfic OCs

I can't really dispute the brown hair thing because it's common as hell but just

The brown hair green eyes thing

It's as old as time itself and twice as overused

Why not brown hair blue eyes? Or brown hair brown eyes? Or brown hair grey eyes? Or brown hair hazel eyes? Or literally any combo except brown hair green eyes??????

A+ on the big nose and appearance flaws though]
Role in book: Protagonist
[i love it when people sTICK TO THE BLOODY FORMAT thanks dear]
General outline of book: She's a normal girl living in Godric's Hollow (Cliché, I know)

[yeah but it must be great for the housing market in Godric's Hollow

Also "normal" girl? You're gonna have to elaborate a bit more than that because "normal" girls aren't actually a real thing that i can accurately judge as everyone has a different perception of normal and yada yada]

She has a muggle best friend in there.

[ok you probably misunderstood the "race/species" thing because that's where you tell me if she's a halfblood or a muggleborn or what so i don't know how to feel about this]

She goes to Hogwarts and meets Pandora Lovegood.

[*to the tune of "what are those"* WHO IS THAAAAAAAAAAT]

She then realizes, that the reason she was brought up to believe she was half-blood is, because her mother brother was a ruthless killer and Death Eater.

[WHAT IS THAAAAAAAAAAT]

She realizes her old best friend was a witch and also goes to Hogwarts.

[THIS IS A TERRIBLE OUTLINE I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S HAPPENING seriously PM me if there's spoilers you don't want published but gIVE ME A DECENT EXPLANATION OF WHAT'S HAPPENING please]

They are friends at first but then she and her get bullied for Letifer (Mom's brother)

[Letifer is the latin, female-gendered word for "fatal" but oKAY]
She's not a chosen one or anything like that, it's basically just like normal school but magic. (This is just the first book, there's more to the plot)

[i hope there is because otherwise nothing makes sense

Also she's not a Chosen One but I'm definitely getting some Very Special™ aura from her plotline]

Age: 11

DOB: 2nd May

[2026. Hogwarts has fallen. Flying cars are here and they run red lights even more than we do.]

Height: 152cm

[tall child]

Weight: 37 kilos