Harry Potter OC Critiques [PAUSED]

3 - NightBusHome

[All these wonderful people dedicating crap to me and adding my book to their reading lists. You really know how to make a teenager feel needed.

But seriously. I'm restricted from my account for a few weeks for things, come back, and suddenly someone's dedicated a chapter to me, I have three new followers, and an OC submission. Maybe I should just come back every other week or something.]

Full name: Anwen Clark, Introduces herself as Anna

[Any particular reason? A family member's name, her family really likes the multitude of female names that mean "beautiful" and  nothing else, especially if she goes by Anna the whole book? Unique names are a bit overrated unless you have a reason.]
Age: 16 (Book takes place in 6th year

[As the plot of your book isn't up, I can't comment on this, except to say that at least there won't be any problem with driving.]
DOB: 1999

[Younger than Harry Potter by a large margin- 19 years. He's 35. Harry Potter is a middle-aged man. Unless this is an AU, this had better be mentioned, because nobody should be denied old and tired of being a hero Mr. Potter.]
Height: 5'6"

[a.k.a 1.7 m, and 2" taller than the average.]
Weight: 121

[Pirate-ninjas, naturally. More seriously, this is a bit on the small side of average if we're talking about pounds, and obese if we're talking about kilograms. A bit less than twice the normal. I'm going to assume it's pounds, though, and congratulate you on your use of Google, possibly recommending that you include units of measurement next time, or I'll keep assuming that you're on Mars.]
Gender: Female

[As all OCs in the Harry Potter-verse save love interests naturally are. I mean, considering I have a lesbian couple as my current OCs, that's a bit hypocritical to criticise. . .but hey, life is short and I'm tired of Harry Potter having supermodel twin sisters. I demand a ridiculously attractive teen boy, just to shake things up.

On a more serious note, choosing the path of least resistance here does mean you'll need some other distinguishment from the crowd. As in, be super-good instead of just good.]
Sexual Orientation: Asexual

[I love the fact that I'm getting so many LGBT+ OCs. It's fantastic. What romantic orientation though?]
Race: Half-blood Witch, English

[So, did you know J.K. Rowling said there, are, you know, schools in other countries? Like Japan, America, places other than Scotland, seriously there are more schools that I need fanfics for. . .]
Hair color: straight, long, pale blond hair, usually in a ponytail

[Eh. Is this Draco Malfoy but female and pretty? Because that's what I'm picturing.]
Eye color: Hazel

[*does not know Malfoy's eye color so can neither confirm nor deny previous wonder*]
Skin color: a bit paler than average, but not much

[What the bloody hell does that mean? What is average pale, even?]
House: Slytherin

[This is an interesting and highly Malfoy development,]
Parents/guardian: Mother- Sarah Clark, doesn't really care about her children Father- not present in Anna's life

[. . .

REALLY?

REALLY?

WAS IT REALLY INTEGRAL TO THE PLOT THAT YOU GO AND PULL THE TRAGIC BACKSTORY CARD?

WAS IT THAT IMPORTANT?

COULD THE CHARACTER NOT HAVE SURVIVED WITHOUT IT?

DID THE STORY DEPEND ON IT?

BECAUSE IF NOT THEN I'M BLOODY TIRED OF ALL THESE GIRLS WITH TERRIBLE PARENTS.

IT HAPPENS, PARENTS ARE HORRID AND LOCK THEIR KIDS IN CELLARS AND CRUSH THEIR DREAMS AND MAKE THEM FEEL LIKE ANTS AND SOMETIMES, HELL, THAT MAKES HEROES.

But sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes, too, there's a kid with everything they need and they make it, they become heroes too.

Let's let those kids take the stage, or at the very least give me hope for a world where adoption agencies are slightly competent and don't place children in the homes of obvious abusers, but that's another story. Right now I'm being annoyed about yet another bloody tragic backstory.]
Siblings: Henry Clark, 5 years younger, first year at Hogwarts

[So they hated each other and Dad high-tailed it to Oz but yet they still had at least five years together to make children.]
Pets: Black cat named Charles Xavier, mostly called Charles

[What is it with this girl and long names that are entirely meaningless because they're replaced by nicknames the whole time.]
Wand makeup: 12 inch spruce wood with a unicorn hair
Personality: Party girl, loves to have fun, very social.

[Sounds extremely Slytherin and not at all Gryffindor.]

Makes friends easily, but makes enemies just as easily- you're never neutral to her, you're either a friend or an enemy.

[Sounds exactly like the bit where Slytherins are logical and cunning.]

Quirky and gets into trouble quite often. Teachers dislike her. Many other Slytherins dislike her.

[SOUNDS LIKE THE BIT WHERE SLYTHERINS ARE REALLY SUAVE AND CAN MANIPULATE A SITUATION TO THEIR ADVANTAGE.

ALL OF THIS SOUNDS REMOTELY SLYTHERIN, BELIEVE ME.

THERE WAS EVEN A MENTION OF AMBITION, TRADITION, OR USING MEANS TO ACHIEVE AND END OR LITERALLY ANY SLYTHERIN TRAIT MENTIONED.]
Background: Mom was married to Dad and had Anna and Henry, dad was a wizard, but Mom and Dad fought a lot, they got divorced. Anna's mom is quite wealthy, so Anna and Henry always got the best of muggle education, but Anna didn't pay attention in class much, so she's not exceptionally smart.

[A:

How

The hell

Is this child

A Slytherin.

B:

This tells me nothing about Anwen. At all.

C:

How is Anwen's mum wealthy? Detail?

D:

D e t a i l?]

[Wow, I feel hypocritical for saying I'm rude in the instructions and then I go and do this. Apparently I know myself better than I thought.

Rating: 4.5/10

Underdeveloped character, probably my fault, I'll update the form, but still, personality and backstory were lacking, Slytherin house assignment makes as much sense as my science teacher's continued employment, and tragic backstory card was pulled again. Character is really nothing new or different, name is meh, and just generally a bit lacking. Do more research on personalities, and maybe consider rethinking some elements so they either retell a cliche story well, or retell a new story that's better than the old ones. Seriously, Pottermore and Google are your friends.

Also I lied about giving me a day, my sleep schedule is never.]