Harry Potter OC Critiques [PAUSED]

34 - PhantomSpringtrap

Name of character: Alex Maximillian Paine

Nickname: "Mo chridhe" by boyfriend

[The google says this is Gaelic for "my heart", but if anyone's got a reliable source on that y'all know where to find me]

Appearance: Chin length, white (dyed!), & tousled hair, dark green eyes, one is blind,

[Great! How does that affect him? Lack of depth perception is a pretty big deal, so how he accounts for that is probably at least somewhat relevant to him as a person! Does he have any particular feelings about it or is it just an aspect of his life? Is he used to dealing with it or is a problem he has to focus on in everyday life? Are other people used to it or does he get a lot of weird questions?]

 hollow Cheeks, pale skin and pointy teeth(only when he's stressed or worried about something) (No extra powers or strength grow.)

Height: 1.78 m

Weight: 72kg

Gender: Male

Ethnicity : Irish

Blood status: Halfblood

House: Slytherin

Animagus: None

Patronus: None

Favourite Teacher: Professor Wilhelm Scott (OC)

Favourite Candy: Chocolate frogs

[In case anyone's wondering in the future, this would go in the likes/dislikes.]

Wand: Walnut wood, unicorn hair, 9 1/2 inches

Age in the book: 16 (6th year)

Friends: Tobias Miller (OC (Boyfriend)), Anna Miller (OC), Professor Scott (OC)

Era: None of the known ones (It's around 1958 though)

Relations: Yvonne Paine (Mother, Squib) Charles Paine (Father, Wizard) Tobias Miller (Boyfriend)

Pet: None at Hogwarts, but his family owns an Augurey.

Personality: Reliable, Clever, Friendly, Lazy, Cunning 

[You need more detail than this, this is not a real personality and I can't judge it. This is a list of traits. There are no justifications, no links, no nuances, this is- this is just a list of traits, and it means nothing to me. 

How is he reliable? What things can people always rely on him for? Does he specifically try to be reliable or does it come naturally? Is he more reliable with people he cares about or will he keep all his promises no matter what? 

How is he clever? Is he a good problem-solver or more knowledgeable? Was he always clever or did he become smarter over time? How does he use his cleverness in everyday life? Is he more clever than the people around him? If so, how does that play into his relationships? Does it make him more or less reliable? 

How is he friendly? Is it a surface level politeness or does he try to be genuine with everyone he meets? Has that ever hurt him? Does he try to be friendly or does it come naturally? Does it make him more or less reliable? How is it affected by his cleverness?

How is he lazy? Is he tired or just unmotivated? Are there tasks he's willing to focus on? Can he focus, or is his laziness something he has to actively struggle against if he wants to get anything done? Does it make him less reliable? Does it mean that he doesn't seem as clever? Does it make him more or less friendly?]

Good traits: Alex is a clever and nice boy and he would never cheat on his boyfriend or lie to him.

[You didn't bother to provide a plot summary, so this seems like one hell of a Chekhov's gun.]

 Shows respect to people he likes/tolerates.

[Wild. I might even know what makes him like or tolerate people if you'd put it in the personality section somewhere.]

Flaws: Can be really rude when someone annoys him, 

[Intriguing! Maybe should've put "rude" in the list of traits instead of "friendly", because that is not friendly behavior.]

lies to certain people to get what he wants, 

[So he's a manipulator?]

is really distractible and clumsy sometimes.

[Only sometimes? What makes him more or less clumsy? What makes him more or less distractible?]

Love interest: Tobias Miller

Backstory: He was born on the 25th of December 1942 in Ireland in a wizarding hospital. A doctor was concerned about how pale he was, compared to other children and examined him. It turned out that he had a little bit of his ancestor's vampire DNA, which gave him the pale skin, (ugly) hollow cheeks and sometimes pointy canine teeth. 

[So. . .does this have. . .maybe some kind of effect on his magic, or maybe his. . .sunscreen use or. . .whatever.]

When he was 11 he got his Hogwarts letter and was sorted into Slytherin, where he met Tobias and Anna. He and Tobias began to date when they were 14. Alex lost the eyesight of his right eye when he was in his fifth year due to an accident in potions class.

[Wow, that seems like a very important event in his life! If only I knew anything about it or what effect it might have on his character!] 

Anything else: He's the main visitor of the hospital wing, he's gay (and proud of it :p), he loves cuddling.

[Rating: 3/10

It's partially my fault for accepting this when I thought it had more detail than it did, but this is. . .nothing. I really do want to give nuanced and helpful criticism, but I really can't do that unless I actually have enough detail to puzzle out a character in the first place. Good character prompt?]