Thoughts and Random Things

Butch

Picture caption: Some photographer dude literally climbed into the Grand Canyon for this picture. It's a lot cooler to look at the picture in person.

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[Author's note! ^_^] As you guys (probably) all know, I take part in a writing class called the Writer's Circle every Saturday. Rich, the teacher guy who runs it, says we should try to write every day, "even if only for 10 minutes". So, I'm going to try to update this book every day. I still don't have a definite schedule for TFS (The Fuckup Squad), but I usually just write and update that whenever I feel inspired. Usually, I don't really write much of ANYTHING unless I'm inspired. (Oh, that reminds me, I have to restart writing On Wheels. I took a break from writing it, but I feel comfortable working on it again. That book's gonna be a good'ne. Hopefully that'll be the one that actually gets me published). Anyway, I'm gonna put a big line of tildes and then just randomly start writing a totally unpredictable and mildly uninspired block of text; and hopefully an actual story will start to develop out of it. Here goes! [This is the end of the author's note.]

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I sauntered into his office, politely shutting the door behind me as I stepped forward toward his desk. He looked up at me, surprise and a hint of disgust evident in his expression. His judgmental brown eyes made contact with my green ones, and his scrutiny seemed to follow me as I lowered myself down into one of the two leather chairs he had set up a few feet in front of his desk. We held each other's unmoving gaze for a short moment. Then I leaned back in the seat and ran a quick hand through my hair. I looked down at my polished black nails, then back up at the visibly annoyed man sitting behind the desk. I leaned forward, smiled smugly, and spoke:

"Mayor Henry. How nice it is to actually be talking to you, instead of our usual interactions where you shout at me like some sort of bug that won't leave you alone. Y'see, this is your opportunity to actually treat me like a human for once, instead of like a bug. You treat me like a bug so much, actually, that I'm convinced you literally think I am one. But I'm smiling. You can see my human teeth. Actually, now that I think about it, there's nothing to disprove that you don't have human teeth. I've never seen or heard of you smiling, ever. You need to smile more. You need something to make you smile more, like a nice island vacation or a healthy marriage or maybe just some cocaine."

"Don't patronize me, Carla. You're already walking on eggshells." His voice was firm, but uneven.

"Me? Walking on eggshells? Didn't you say the same sort of thing to your son?"

"I don't mention my heap-of-garbage son," growled Mayor Henry, "and you shouldn't, either."

I sighed, but it was more condescending than it was tired. "My point is, I never did anything to upset you, and yet you hate me for some reason anyway. You should be glad and proud to have citizens in your prosperous, fruitful, utopian town. What's more, you should make sure that all of them are happy. I am coming to you, Mayor, because I am an unhappy citizen in your town."

"I'm not proud to have people of your kind be citizens of my town," he spat.

My kind? I paused to think. What could he possibly have meant? I had a thought, but no... that couldn't be it, could it? "You mean women?"

"Not all women," he said, his eyes averted and his voice devoid of its usual haughtiness.

Then, it occured to me. An epiphany. A lightbulb went off inside my head, burning with hatred instead of light. My voice constricted with anger, I uttered: "It's just me, isn't it, Mayor? Because I'm butch? You hate me because I wear leather and combat boots and down beer and ride a motorcycle. Because I shamelessly burp in front of my houseguests. Because I'm unladylike. Is that it, Mayor? That's why you despise me so? Because I don't act like a 'woman' should?"

Henry narrowed his eyes and swallowed. "Gender roles are very important," he said loudly, in a way that was just between talking and yelling.

I slammed my fists on the edge of his desk and stood. A bobblehead on his desk tipped over, but I didn't care. "Really?! Gender roles? That's what this all boils down to?!

"You shut down my successful and totally legal business; you condemned two of three properties I owned; you got me arrested twice for things I didn't even do because you brainwashed the court into hating me, all because I don't fit into stupid fucking gender roles?"

Mayor Henry seemed unphased. He just sat calmly still behind his desk, a hint of a smirk teasing the corners of his mouth. "That's really not all, Ms. Gonwin. It's what you just showed me, too." I slowly sat back down as he spoke the rest of his words. "You think you're so tough. You think that you're unbreakable, untouchable, invincible even. You think that just because you bench press 250, you are above others."

I felt my butt meet the seat as he continued. "But, at the end of the day, you're not. Look at yourself. Look at what you just did. Emotional outbursts, screaming and yelling, just like a typical woman; impossible to please. The reason this town runs so well for everyone else is that they understand not to do that. Girls act like girls and men act like men in this town. But not you. You're trying to be a special snowflake, trying to disturb the perfect utopian balance. So that's why I've tried so hard to shut you down. That's why I'll never stop trying to shut you down. Because you think you're so tough and special and different, but when it all comes down to it, you're just a typical, moody, emotional little woman. You are just another citizen in my town. I can do whatever I want with this town and the people in it."

I felt oddly numb. I had always had a constant, spitfire need to have action or a fight going on around me. But, in that moment, that desire had been dulled to nothingness. I slouched, defeated, in the chair. I wanted to leave and run away, but even my motivation to do that had dissolved. I had nothing to do with my hands, so I fiddled with the engagement band on my left ring finger. I guess Mayor Henry noticed.

"Is that... an engagement ring?" He asked, scoffing. "Who would wanna get engaged to you?"

Emotionlessly, I stood up. I did it a little too quickly and got slightly dizzy, but at least I found it in me to stand at all. I was disgusted by the man in front of me. I wanted to not be in the same room as him anymore.

"Your son," I said, by way of a farewell. I turned and left his office. A month later, my boyfriend and I no longer lived in that town. A month after that, we got married. Henry was not invited to the wedding.