Thoughts and Random Things

Uncertainty

I decided that instead of writing a short story today, I'd do something more along the lines of a monologue. Why not try something new?

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Options, options. Everyone always tells me I'm lucky I have options. I don't feel lucky. I don't even really feel like I have a choice at all. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, and the rock is my past, and the hard place is my future. And I know what you're about to say, that my negative mindset is only going to make things worse, but my mindset wouldn't be so negative if things weren't this hopeless.

I am not a pessimist. It bothers me when you say I'm a pessimist. I can be real happy sometimes, you know. There are some days when I can wake up and smell springtime in the air and bounce outta bed and be real goddamn cheerful, okay?

Is that what you wanna hear? Is that really what I have to say in order to get you to hop off my case?

I'm sorry, okay? I just don't understand what you want from me. It'd be a lot easier to keep you satisfied if you didn't care so much. You know, I'm starting to think that you care a little too much. Has it ever dawned on you that maybe all the pressure you put on me to be happy, is the very cause of my distress? Of my so-called "pessimism"? Has it ever crossed your mind that maybe, just maybe, you are at the root of all this?

Do I have your attention now?

I'm not sure I even want your attention.

I realize I am being pissy, but can you blame me? Isn't pissy-ness, like, a side effect of stress? I should go lay down. Later, though. I can rest later. For now, I have to make up my mind. And yes, I do want your opinion, but once I get it it-- well, I'm not sure what I'll do then. I mean, what if we disagree? What if I say one thing and you say another, and I follow my own advice, and then it turns out you were right all along? What would become of us?

I think you've been using the wrong p-word to describe my tendencies. I think a more accurate one is paranoia.

Haha. Fuck it.

~These were all the thoughts that went through my mind just before I texted you asking: What college should I go to?~