Loving me

Small Talk

Enzo os the pone on the picture!!!

"What?" My face is probably showing confusion. No man has ever lasted this long talking to me. After I give them the whole I hate men speech they all walk away. Why isn't he walking away?

"Your name, love?" Again with the love.
"Why would I want to give you my name?" I know that he can notice my confused face. I stare straight at him, into his beautiful eyes. Mia snap out of it!

"So I can ask you out on a proper date." He smirks at me.

"Um I don't date." I lay it out, plain and simple.

"Oh sorry I didn't know you were taken." Why do I see some form of disappointment in his eyes.

"Can't you see?" I can hear the frustration in my voice. "Im not very good with men. I like to stay clear of them."

"Oh." He looks surprise. " i should have asked. You like girls." He states.

"No. I like men." I say, then I look at the ground. "Well, I use to." I look back at him.

"I'm not the best companion for men. I'm to fucked up, I have to much package that I carry." I don't know why I'm telling him this. I just met the guy. "I can never make a man happy."

"And why do you think that you can't make a a man happy?" He asks.

"Because to make someone happy, you first have to be happy and I never am."

"How about, if you let me we can be friends and I can teach you how to be happy, you can say yes to that date after I have made you happy." I am shocked, again, no other man has tried to be my friend.

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"I won't try anything on you until I have made you happy. Trust me."

"That's the problem, I don't trust men." I can help but stare into his eyes. It feels like I'm trapped in them.

"Here is a new lunch for you, Mia, and here is a coffe for you, sir." I look away to see one of the girls I work with.

Enzo and I both look at her in surprise. "Thank you." The girl stares at Enzo, waiting. "Um is there something wrong?"

Once the girl realizes she was staring she looks down and walks away.

"Let's get a table." He motions his hand to the table next to us.

I take a seat and I look at him again. "What do you mean, you don't trust men?"

"Listen, Enzo, I want to believe that you are a nice man, but I once believed the same thing about another man. You want to know where that got me?" I wait for his response. I don't get one, but I continue. "Here."

I know he will never understand what I meant. Yes, what happened 4 years ago got me here. Not this place, but this feeling. The feeling of betrayal and sadness.

I get up from the table and I start walking to the counter. I turn to look at him.

"I can't except."

"That won't stop me from trying to make you happy. I don't need your approval, Mia." How did he know my name. I don't remember telling him.

"How did you know my name?"

"The girl who brought our drinks. She said your name." He gets up from the table. "See you soon, Mia." My name sounds amazing coming out of his lips.

*****
I look up at the well known building, I've been going here since the nightmares came back. The building is 3 stories tall, it is plain from the outside, no one would know there was a Psychotherapy office on the third floor of this building.

I walk through the main entrance and straight to the elevator. The inside is decorated with paintings of Disneyland, it makes everyone that walks through these door happy and calm at the same time. Once I walk out of the elevator I make my way to my Doctors office.
Once I walk past reception I walk to The Room , as I like to call it. It's were all my hidden demons and monsters show themselves.

"I'm glad you could make it." My thoughts are interrupted by my doctor, Dr. Pamela.
"I am always here, Pam." I say as I turn to her and give her a innocent smile. "How have you been? How is your husband and your kids?"
I walk to the couch in front of her desk and sit with my legs crossed and a pillow on my thighs. Pam walks from her desk to the chair in front of me, closer then her desk.
"Hello, I have been good, and we have never talked about my family. We do you always ask? I might not even have a husband." She response to my questions the same way I would have answered, in a witty tone. "The real question is how are you?" Her tone turns serious.
I take a deep breath before I began speaking.
"I had another nightmare, but this time I didn't have a nightmare about that man, but about what happened to me on the day of the car crash." As talk my mind goes to a different place, a place deep within me that is filled with demons that were created by people I trusted. "I keep thinking back to that day and maybe saw my misfortunes as punishment. I slept with my best friend's brother with the remorse whatsoever. My baby was created out of secrets and lies, she would have lived to know her father as an abuser and cheater, her grandfather a sexual predator, her grandmother as a twister bitch , and an aunt who can't even stand up for what is the truth."
"Losing you baby was not a punishment. Mia, what that man tried to do to you is not punishment. Losing your baby was a misfortune, and there was nothing you could have done at that time. What the man did to you was wrong, you didn't do anything wrong, he wanted to force himself on you and you are not to blame for that." Pam comes and sits next to me on the couch and holds my hand. She is like the mom I left behind four years ago.
"I ran into a guy today at work and he talked to me for a few minutes. Pam, you don't know how bad o wanted to have a simple conversation with him. But my head kept saying danger, danger. When am I going to be okay? I have been coming to you every week for the past year and I still am damaged. You said I was going to be okay after 12 weeks."
"It's because you aren't letting go, you are keeping your demons deep inside you, you are afraid of letting go. Be angry, yell at who ever you think is responsible and let the demons out of your heart. You are not damaged, you have been fractured and it's okay to blame someone other than yourself because you did nothing wrong, they did."
I want to scream and hit but I can't, every time I try to, I feel helpless like if no one is going to hear me anyways.
"Don't close your heart to a new opportunity, let yourself feel again, anger, sadness, fear, but most importantly, happiness. Let yourself be happy."

After therapy I go to pick up the mail. It is the first Monday of the month which means that Cara has send me a letter.

Once I get home I start reading the letter.

Dear Mia,

I went to see your parents again. They miss you. We talked about you and what you have been up to, I told them that you are almost done with school and that your grades are fantastic. You should have seen how proud of you they are. Who knew it would take this long for them to show that kind of affection towards you.

Your little brothers are doing great, as always. Kenan is acting up again, but we both know it will be over soon, it just middle school drama. Xavier is also doing great, he is doing all of this for you, he wants you to be proud of him. Can you believe it, you spend your whole education trying make your parents proud and you never saw it with your own eyes. Now Xavier wants to make you proud of him and you are not even here to see. I know that you are, both boys mean the world to you, but Xavier feels abandoned. The it's only know that one day they had a sister who was raising them and the next she was gone. Please send them a letter, they deserve to know the truth. You can't keep them in the dark.

On a brighter note, Gino and I are thinking about moving in together. I know, I know, we already have a kid together, it won't make a difference. Mia, he wants us to be a family, can you believe that? I'm really happy. It seems like everything is falling into place.

Please consider sending your brothers a letter explaining your disappearance. You know we love you and miss you.

Love,
Cara
P. S. Say 'hi' to Cassia for me.