Loving me

Realization

"I think it's important to realize you can miss something, but not want it back." Paulo Coelho

It's been a couple of days since the incident. I've been so busy going from the hospital, to my brothers, and back to the hotel. I'm not doing work but I feel like I'm driving everywhere.

Today I've decided to take a small break and take Sofia for a walk in the park. We are seated in the park bench eating a snack. Um I should teach her my name.

"Sofia, say Mia. Me Ah." I say to her.

"Mmm."

"Good sweetie. Let's try again. Meee ahhh."

"Ma."

"Close, but no."

"Ma ma." Shit, I didn't mean to teach her that.

"No sweetie, I'm not your mama. Try again.

Let's do something easier. Mi mi."

"No. Ma ma."

"Sofia, please."

"Ma ma."

"Mia?" I here Alexander's voice behind me.

Shit.

"Hello, Alexander." He walks closer to me.

"What did I tell you about that? It's Alex." He says as he stands in front of me.

"I don't care! What do you want?" I say harshly.

"Can we talk? Vane said that you let her talk. I want to talk to you." He sounds nervous.

"What is there to talk about?"

"Do you love him?" He asks me.

"What?"

"Do you love Ezra?"

"It's Enzo and yeah."

"Do you love me?"

"Where are you going with this?" I get up from the bench.

"Answer the question, Mia."

"I don't want to, because it's a stupid question." I'm mad. "But I will say this. Who I love and who I don't, is none of your business. If I remember correctly you are the one that fucked everything up. Don't come to me, telling me to give you explanations about my life. We wouldn't be here if it weren't..." I stop myself, I can't go back to that no more. He didn't look for me, he didn't.

"If it weren't for what? Answer." He says.

"Whatever, I don't need to answer." I say as turn to grab Sofia and her stuff. "Goodbye Alexander."

"Ander. Ma ma." Sofia says as she points at Alexander. Shit.

"No sweetie. Don't say that, papa is going to kill me." I whisper to her.

"Papa. Ander. Ma ma."

"Hello princess." Alexander extends his hand and grabs Sofia's.

"Don't call her that." I say through my teeth.

"Why not?"

"Because to you, princess means brat. Sofia is not that."

"Do you think of her? Of Angel?"

"Everyday. There will never be a day when I won't think of her." I say to him.

"Do you think that they would have looked alike." He points his finger at Sofia.

"No. Sofia looks like her dad, just like Angle would have looked like you." I say. Even though it's had to think about how my angel would have looked like, I still imagine her with dirty blonde hair and blue eyes. "In my dreams she looks exactly like you."

"In my dreams she looks exactly like you." He tells me. Why talk about her now? We should have talked about her four years ago.

"Yes." I answer.

"What? Yes. What?" Alexander is confused.

"Yes. I love you." I take a deep breath. "I just don't know how much."

"What do you mean?"

"Remember when we were little and you would always tell me that you hated me because I took your sister? When you would say that, I would stop going to your house for like a week or two. You want to know why? Because I loved you as a little brother and I wanted you to love me just as much."

"I loved you. I was a little boy that was jealous of a strong girl. You had gone through so much by the time that you were in my life that I was both fascinated and jealous. I couldn't understand how Vanessa could care for girl so messed up. I saw how Vanessa walked around you, so softly, like if she was scared that she was going to hurt you. I wanted that, my sister always made sure to tell me what I did wrong, but to you, she was looking pass all wrongs. When I saw that, I would tell myself that I was never going to treat you like a broken girl. So I started telling myself that I hated you, that you were a spoiled princess, that you were selfish." He talks as he walks to the bench and motions me to sit down. I sit and he sits next to me. "That day that you came into my room I wanted to proof to everyone that you were lying, that what those boys did to you were lies."

"Why would you think that?"

"Because we both know that in that room I had kissed you many times before. You never said anything."

"I never said anything because those kisses were pecks and we were standing, I was never under you."

"I know that now, but back then I wanted to prove you wrong. For once I wanted you to be wrong."

"I fell asleep crying every night, how is that perfect?"

"You never showed it. You were always happy. When you would cry, the part of me that loved you would come out and comfort you. You remember, how I would hug you while Vanessa held your hand."

"I always cried because of my parents arguments."

"You would tell us that you were scared, that you didn't want your dad to leave again. You don't know how much I wanted to promise you that he wouldn't leave you, but it wasn't my promise to make."

"My dad promised me, but I couldn't trust him after the first time. I could never trust a person after they broke it the first time." I say the last part softly.

"You could never trust me again?" He asks me, but it sounds more like a statement.

"No."

"Even if I try to win you back?"

"You can win me back, but in our relationship, there is always going to be a part of me that can never trust you."

"So your letter is a lie?"

"What letter?"

"This one." Out of his pocket he pulls out a letter.

I take it from him and I look at it. It's the letter I have him four years ago.

I told him that if I came back that it could probably mean that we were meant to be.
I look up at him.

"I remember. I loved you so much, that I wanted to believe that we had the right kind of love, but we horrible timing. I thought that I could never love anyone more, than I loved you."

"I have held on to this piece of paper for the past four years, hoping that I would see you again."

"I'm not the same girl I was when I wrote this. For so long I have been telling myself that I am still stuck in those times, where I felt worthless and dirty, but slowly I have changed into a woman that is strong and independent." I take his hand. "I just realized that I love you." I whisper to him. I'm in shock.

I love him.

I love him.

I love him.