Loving me

Stay

"Sometimes, home has a heartbeat." Beau Tuplin

Three hours prior

I walk through the door of the hotel room, my hands are clammy and my heart is beating fast.
I see Enzo sitting on the couch reading a book. My book. Into the Wild . As I shut the door he looks up at me.
"I finally understand you passion for this book, I cannot tell you how many times I have read the one I have at home and I didn't find a connection, until I read yours, with notes and everything. When did you first read it?" He asks as he gets up and walks towards me to give me a kiss on my temple.
"I was 17, I had always dreamed about leaving this place and no one understood why. I had everything I could ever need here, in Cali." I answer is almost a whisper.
I walk to the bed and sit, hopefully he will get the hint that I want to change conversation.

"Love, where is Sofia?" He asks as he looks around. He sounds worried. Why wouldn't he be? You left with his daughter and you are back without her. "Is everything okay?"

"I asked Cara if she could take care of her for a few hours." I walk as I continue to talk. "Cara has a little girl too, Katie. Don't worry Sofia is safe."

"Are you okay? You seem nervous." He observes me as he sits next to me.

I grab his hands as I look into his eyes. Those beautiful eyes that captured my heart not too long ago.

"I'm so sorry." I say as a small tear escapes. "I saw Alexander today and I made some realizations that are going to hurt you." I take a deep breath. "Enzo, I still love him." My voice is small, I'm scared that if I speak louder it will hurt more. "There is a part of my heart that still begs for him. I still see him when I close my eyes, he still makes my heart beat fast. I tried, Enzo, I really did. I wanted to forget his touch, but no amount of therapist could take that away, how could I've believed that you could fix me." I'm sobbing now. "He owns me. No matter for how long I stay away from him, he will always have a hold on me. I wish I didn't feel this way, I wish that I could love you completely, but I can't. I'm still that 18 year old that believes he can change."

"No, Mia." His voice sounds angry. He has never directed his anger towards me. "You aren't that 18 years old. Remember when we met and you told me that you didn't trust men, remember how I made you smile again? I did that, Mia, not Alexander, me, Enzo." He takes both my hands and kisses them. "You are a 22 year old, who graduated with flying colors, who worked her ass off to pay for her education. You are not the 18 year old that got everything handed to her, you are a hard working woman, how doesn't depend on anyone but herself. That is you, Mia. The 18 year old Mia died the day you walked out of this stupid city, that day you made a decision for yourself. That day you finally freed yourself, saved yourself." He takes a deep breath to control his anger. At this moment I don't know what the anger is directed to. "I've talked to Cassia, she told me that wanted your old self again. Not the 18 year old but the 16 year old, the one that had millions of smiles to give, the one that was in love with life but still wanted to better it. Mia, you will never be 16 again, I can't erase the damage done.
Alexander can't either. No kiss, no touch, no promise is going to bring her back." He gets closer to me and holds me by the shoulder.

"He can touch you all he wants." He caresses my shoulder. "He can kiss you, everyday." He pulls me towards him and kisses me with so much force. He has never kissed me with so much possessiveness. "But he will never make you as happy as I can." He says as he pulls away.

I don't know what comes over me but I grab him by the back of his neck and I pull myself closer to him. A feeling of want and need come over me and all I want is his lips and hands on me.

As I am kissing him with everything in me, I feel his hand grabbing my ass and pulling to his lap. I place my legs on each side of his so that I am straddling him. I can feel his want for me and in this position I think he feels mine too, my heat.

One of his hands moves to my hair and he pulls while leaving a trail of kisses, I'm sure there will be at least one mark by the end of this. I moan as his kisses move lower.

"I want you so much." He says in between kisses.

"Me too." I breathe.

I have never felt this want. With Alexander I was always worried about his want and need that I would forget about myself.

But not today. Today I want to feel pleasure and need, I want to be in the moment.