and a horse called Straton

Chapter 20

Caitlyn stood shaking at the door of her cupboard again. She was being ridiculous, why couldn't she open it?  It wasn't like there was anything dangerous in there, just memories. What could be worse. A lot of things, she tried to reason with the small voice.

A shaky hand reached for the copper knob. There was a small chip in the wood beside it she'd never noticed so instead she focused on that as she gripped the knob till her knuckles were white and she eventually pulled it open. Memories bombarded her mind, triggered by everything in her closet. Graduation, the time they went and saw a movie at the cinema and spilt soft drink on her jeans and they both laughed in the theatre and got kicked out. Her jeans had stayed stained after that.

She could feel her legs begin to shake and she kept her steely grip on the door. It was ridiculous, all she was doing was getting dressed, it was normal. Why was it doing this to her?  Did the universe not think it enough that she'd lost everything?  She wasn't even her anymore, she didn't know who she was. But it certainly wasn't who she left behind.

Jeans and a shirt landed on her bed as she grabbed the first thing she found and threw it on the bed before shutting the door quickly. Her arms stayed braced against it as she leaned over, staring at the ground and feeling like she might vomit from the anxiety.

Outside she could hear everyone getting ready for the day's work. She was going to be late and anxiety gripped her, causing her breathing to catch and speed up and her vision to go away again which only caused more panic. Yet again her legs began to shake and she stumbled to her bed to sit down so she wouldn't fall again. Tears streaked down her face and the memories showed up again.

Hooves flashing.
Blood.
So much blood....
All over her hands, showing the deed she'd done.
She'd killed him.
Just like when her mum had died....

Reality gripped her tightly around the throat and pulled her back when she heard raucous laughter from outside, sounded like Ty had been telling a story again. She was missing it, she was missing life. It was already going on and she was missing it. So why couldn't she keep up? 

Caitlyn quickly got dressed into the clean clothes, feeling strangely confined by the clothes despite the fact that they weren't tight, if anything, they were loose. Pulling the shirt over pulled at the burn on her back and she bit her lip to keep from crying out. It began weeping again, she'd broken the scab.  The horrible fluid came out again and she swore under her breath, she needed some Emu bush to boil up for the infection and some witjuti grubs, or witchetty grubs for the burn. Then she remembered she wasn't with Nanna anymore.

Getting ready took almost forty minutes just to get out of her room, then she went into the kitchen and made some breakfast with some tea. The cereal tasted like cardboard and she forced it down, only enjoying the banana she cut up into it. The tea was bland and she ended up just drinking some hot water.

Finally she got herself together enough to go outside and went down to the barn to check the roster. She was on calf checks again, just like that day. The memories flicked through so quickly she was winded by the severity of them.

When her vision cleared she was sitting slumped against the wall with no recollection as to how she got there. Panic seized her again and she looked around frantically. Old Ben stood in front of her, his eyes soft as he knelt down next to her.

"Hey darlin'," his face brought memories, good and bad. That expression, the softness around his eyes the way the skin on his cheeks creases is what she focused on. Caitlyn had only ever seen that three times, when her Ma was killed, when she got home and now. Her breathing was still ragged but she began to slowly calm down.

"What was that about?" Those same words coming from another would have felt rough or rude but coming from Old Ben they felt like the friendliest string she'd ever heard. Which made her burst out crying again, she didn't mean to, it made her feel weak. But that's what she was. The thought triggered another memory, but Ben cut it off by putting his hand on her shoulder which brought her back to earth.

"You don't have to talk," Ben said and lowered himself all the way to the ground so he could sit with her. He knew the others wouldn't be back for a while, so he figured it was best for her to get it sooner rather than later, she was definitely embarrassed about it.

"I don't even know what's going on, I-I just know it shouldn't be. I can't stop the memories. They j-just - press in." Caitlyn tried to explain but failed, she had no idea what was happening and that terrified her. Everything had always been a certain way and everything made sense on a physical sense at least but this didn't.

"What memories?" Yet again they pushed through, causing her to sob.

When she didn't answer, Ben tried to smooth it over, "it's alright, you don't have to say." He heard footsteps coming and stood up as quickly as his arthritis would let him and pulled Caitlyn up by her uninjured arm and went back to. His gruff self so no one would know what happened, he knew she wouldn't want anyone to know.

Caitlyn turned away and went down to Straton's stall who looked about as stressed as she felt, snaking his neck and his eyes rolled back. She hadn't seen him that scared since they bought him. He obviously wasn't enjoying being in a stall, perhaps it would be a good idea to just put him in a paddock. Perhaps it'd be a good idea to put her in with him, the house felt small and confining now.

The bolt made a familiar noise as she slid it open carefully, marvelling at the design of it despite having seen it a hundred times before. Straton almost immediately got out of the stall and into the aisle where Caitlyn nimbly vaulted onto his back, settling gently behind his whither.

"You got good at that," the voice startled her and she looked over quickly, on edge from the memories. When she noticed that it was Ty she calmed down and chuckled slightly to appear normal.

"Thanks, tends to happen when you don't have a saddle."

"Well, I'm willing to bet you picked up a couple neat tricks." You have no idea.

"You could say that," she said nonchalantly, already planning to go looking for some bush remedies for her burn. The idea of pharmacy medicine now made her almost sick, the bush stuff was much better.

"I'm on calves with ya'," he commented, opening the door to his own horse's stall.

"I know," her voice came out smaller than intended. Luke had only ever been the one to go with her. These people had their time to adjust but she hadn't been given her own time, too worried about the next meal or keeping her people safe. But she hadn't kept Nullah safe had she.
My burnu.  What a lie.
"Woah what's goin' on?" Ty asked, nervousness showing on his face at her sudden distant look and the fact that she was almost sliding off Straton.

"Just light headed, not used to this city stuff you eat," she teased, quickly covering how she was feeling. No one would understand. She didn't even understand. It was ridiculous.

"Hey, I ain't a city slicker!" He protested, taking the bait and diverting from the previous conversation that had been going no where good. By now his horse was tacked up and he was mounted quickly. 

Caitlyn chuckled, "alright, city boy."  That was better, the usual banter. Even if it felt fake and forced, at least it was there. She glanced around, noticing the empty stall that was Mayriah's. Her breath hitched in her throat and the edged blurred.

"Never found May?" Her voice was infinitely more even than she expected, almost normal.

"Nah, never did." He didn't mention anything else. But she had to assume that they'd found Luke, he would have been smelling up a storm - no matter how she hated to think it.

"Luke's funeral was a while ago, we can visit his grave later if you want." How was he so placid about it?  Calm down, she told herself. No one knows anything about what happened, no one knew it was her fault.

"Yeah." A pause. "We gonna check these cows or what?"