and a horse called Straton

Chapter 32

TRIGGER WARNING
There is a trigger waning on this chapter for self harming behaviours and direct self harm, sorry. I kinda didn't think I was gonna go down this road at the start but, here I am apparently.
(I edited this and you might wanna read it again but it isn't plot changing if you don't, it's just a lot less awful.)

A month later

Caitlyn laid curled up on her bed, sobbing once more. Ty had been right, it hadn't gotten any better and it was beginning to weigh on her. Whenever she tried to talk about it, she couldn't get the words past her guilt. The guilt of lying, the guilt of what she did. She was a murderer. Plain and simple.

She choked slightly as she tried to suck in air and accidentally took some of her matted hair with it. She hadn't been able to leave her room for two days now. Thankfully her father hadn't questioned her tears when she explained that she'd gone down with the flu.

Her shaking hands passed lightly over the cuts, old and new. It somehow calmed her, just to know they were there. Eventually she managed to stop crying and was able to see, even if slightly blurry. It was 1AM, she'd made it past most of the nightmare stage now. If she didn't sleep for a while longer they wouldn't come.

It was becoming exhausting, she couldn't rest. She had lost weight and all the muscle she had gained. The various scars from her traumatic ordeal were beginning to shrivel around the edges and look peculiar for the shrinkage. Her eyes barely seemed to focus anymore, almost as if it took too much energy.

1:17AM. Not too much longer now. Soon she would be able to sleep. Caitlyn hiccuped slightly, wishing that she could get some kind of rest away from the knife. There was nothing anymore. Not even Straton. Every time she saw him, all she saw was the deep cut she had caused. All she could think about was some other way he could end up hurt because of her.

Ty hadn't spoken to her in weeks, her dad barely acknowledged her. She couldn't blame them though. There wasn't much to say, no-one knew what was happening and they all just wanted it to go away. Perhaps it would be better if she went away, a thought that had plagued her for a while now.

Caitlyn sat up in bed and tucked her hair behind her ears. Maybe it would be good to get outside at least. She'd always hated being indoors.

Barefooted, she crossed the gravel and walked in the opposite direction of Straton and went into the shed. She needed a break. She needed something, something to help her get through whatever was happening.

Once she was in there, she pulled the string and the old light struggled to gain power long the old wires and began looking around. She knew that there was medication they had bought for her mum's horse after she'd died that calmed him down. Perhaps it would help. She knew it was not a good idea, but there was nothing else.

She forced herself forward to get the ant-anxiety medication and took out one of the tablets they'd crush in his food. They were big. "Bloody horse tablets," she muttered to herself, almost amused.

Despite the size, she took one. After fighting the immediate nausea from taking the tablet, she opened the door to leave but stumbled backwards as she tried to back up with fright to see Ty there. Her hand went to her chest. "Ty? What are you doing here?"

"When I can't sleep, I come down to check everything's okay and I saw that the light was on."
Caitlyn wiped her hands off on her trackies, trying to hide the dust and white powder. Her hands were clammy and it wasn't the cold.
"What are you doing in here?"
Caitlyn tried to think of a reason but came up empty and shrugged, wiping her hands again. Ty noticed the nervous behaviour but wasn't sure what to make of it.
"Want to head up to the house?" Caitlyn asked, wanting the subject to be off her.
"Sure."

The two walked up to the house in awkward silence, each contemplating the series of events. By the time the two had sat down for tea and Ty stood to leave, glad to escape the awkward silence - the tablets had begun to kick in. She stood up awkwardly, feeling a little lightheaded but better than before.

"Are you okay?" Ty asked, showing his genuine concern.
"Fine," Caitlyn said, swaying slightly.
"Had a bit to drink?"
"Uh, yeah?"
Ty accepted it even thought he knew it was a lie, "goodnight."

Caitlyn went back to her room and laid down, almost instantly falling asleep. There were no nightmares that night.

A/N
Hi guys! I know it's been ages.... Sorry! Life's been crazy. I think I say that every time but every time it gets crazier! I hope you're all going well.
I was thinking of starting a story but like a true one about my real life Straton (different name but similar story and personality). He saved my life and continues to and I was wondering if anyone would be interested in how he came to trust me and kind of a day in the life of/bit of a modified real life diary kinda thing (if you get what I mean). I dunno what I'm saying lol. Anyway! Enjoy this unedited and possibly terrible chapter!