and a horse called Straton

Chapter 22

Sobs echoed in her small room. No matter how hard she tried to stifle them, they still burst forth. The emotions waging within her were tearing her apart one small part at a time. "My Burnu," Nulluh's raspy voice echoed in her mind. "Not, your, fault..." Luke... But it was her fault. But no one knew that. It was only her who accepted the truth.

****

Caitlyn laid in bed the next morning staring at the roof. The peeling paint that had once been comforting, a mark of time in the house, was now just what it was. Sad damage to an old house that no one had the energy to fix. She heard her dad's boots scrape the wood outside her door then pause. Two knocks.
"Time to get up."
The usual morning call for when she slept through. But the message simply wouldn't go past her shoulders. She couldn't move, she certainly couldn't get up. Why? Fear ran through her like ice. Why couldn't she move?! No one ever told her what to do in a situation like this.

Caitlyn tried to calm herself down and succeeded after about twenty minutes. Her heart and breathing were fine. In fact both organs felt like they might explode from how hard they were working. No one was coming. Why wasn't anyone checking on her? What if she was dying? Still no one came.

Her clock told her she was an hour late getting up which didn't surprise her when she finally was able to drag herself from her cocoon of blankets. As for clothes she pulled on something without looking at the pictures in her cupboard. While she was walking through the kitchen, she remembered the conversation from the day before. Guilt pricked through her empty feeling. But quickly left.

Food sat out on the counter, just some Vegemite and some bread, but it made her stomach churn. In fact, she thought she might. Just as this was happening, Ty stepped through the door. "Oi Kitty Kat, time for work!" He called, walking through the front door with his mud caked boots on.

"Be there in a minute!" Caitlyn called. Since there was no explanation for how she was feeling she wasn't about to try and explain it. Once the nausea passed she stood up and walked out the door to start the work day with Ty, desperately hoping that he wouldn't comment on her lateness.

****

Ty dropped from the old ute with the wire strainers to tighten the fence up.  It was sagging from the bulls who liked to scratch against it.  The cracked and greyed wooden posts were what held Caitlyn's gaze. Her mind was empty. Nothing moved. Not so much as a memory lifted. It was just nothing.

"Cait," her breathing hitched. He'd called her that on that day.

"Cait," the voice spoke again and she lifted her head and looked around, as if snapped from a dream. "What?  Sorry, bit tired."

"No kidding," he chuckled, going back to the fence from the car door where he'd been. "Grab out the shovel, the post needs to be straightened."

For the next few minutes, the two worked silently. They were only interrupted by the scraping of the shovel against the hardened red dirt. "Bit sick today," Ty commented. Oh gosh. He'd noticed. She only shrugged in response. "Just tired." He must have accepted the answer since he didn't say anything else until they got back into the ute, a film of sweat covering both of them.

As they drove, Ty looked over at her then back to the track. "We'll go see Luke's grave today, aye? I know you miss him." More silence, her only answer a small nod and appreciative smile.

"I know what you're going through," she almost slapped him. No one could understand what happened to her. They didn't even know what there was to understand. A mix of anger and panic resided below the surface. But for some reason they didn't get past there. Odd.

"You can talk to me about it whenever ya want."

"Thanks."

The word felt dead in her mouth but obviously it didn't sound like that to Ty who smiled slightly at her. She went back to looking out the window. What was with the hollowness in her?  It didn't make sense. The paralysing fear sort of made sense, the despair did. There wasn't anything worth it in life. But the emptiness was a whole new thing for her.

****

The car rolled to a stop outside the graveyard. Large, iron gates sat open and rusted in place. Caitlyn guessed the last time they'd been shut had been in the Second World War. Which was the time the cemetery was established.

She got out of the Toyota carefully, as if the ground might burn her. Though maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing. The flowers were half flat in her hands, their pale, wild colour the same as the day the storm hit. Both storms. Her careful steps took her to the opposite side where Ty was waiting for her. "Y'know, you can go for your licence now." 

Why did that matter?  She wanted to yell. Luke was gone. No one knew her, her father avoided her and no one cared how she felt. They just wanted her to move on. How could she?  He was gone.

Her long legs trembled as she walked through the gates. "I guess so." 

They passed grave after grave, something that had always felt distant to her. Now she was waiting in agony for the one that would spell his name. Finally they came to it. Ty stepped back and she thought she heard him say he'd be at the ute.

The letters jumbled around until they eventually cleared and let the darkness press at the sides of her vision. "LUKE MAINSFIELD" the white letters read but they screamed inside her mind. Her legs trembled again and gave out, she sat in her knees with empty tears rolling down her face. The forgotten flowers fell from her hand to the young grass that grew over her best friend.

"Loving son and friend."

That was all that was left of him. Anger flared again and this time she felt it.  The incredible person she'd grown so close to. The person who'd held her when she cried was reduced to four words. "Loving son and friend." The cruel words echoed in her mind, never ending and ever louder.

A touch on her shoulder brought her back what must have been an hour later. "We gotta go now. Yer pa'll skin me if you're home after dark."  It was only then that she realised she'd been sobbing. She looked into his eyes, searching for something, anything. But all she recovered was sympathy that only made it on the surface. Nothing more. His words had no effect on her.

One more look at the headstone made her want to leave and she nodded before standing up with the help of Ty when she swayed.

"I'm fine."