Stuck

Chapter 5

Magic

"I know why, I know why sus! Ano na naman yang pinagsasabi mo ha Migs?  You don't know! You'll never know!" Pabiro kung sabi sa kanya at tumawa na lamang ako. Damn that was heart-stopping. Leche! Grabe ka makapakilig Miguel Lorenzo! 

When he said those words I felt like he really knows. Well, I hope he knows. He should! Damn he's almost my first everything! I hope he knows that whatever this thing we have I'm serious about this and I hope he is too. 

He's not. May iba siyang ka I love you-han Ryza. Wag stupid.

I shrugged off the thought.

I mean yes we have this thing. This very crazy, messy and complicated thing but I love that we have this thing because no matter how crazy, messy and complicated this thing is, it still involves us. This thing is about us.

And the thought of Me and Miguel officially being an "us" makes my heart flutter and soar. 

"Oh trust me, I know," Miguel eyed me intently. His eyes were of comedic feelings.

"Itigil mo na nga  yang kahibangan mo Carbonel!" I told him. I was only kidding but when I looked at him ay bigla akong kinabahan. His expression changed. Kung kanina'y masaya't nagbibiro pa siya ngayon ay naging seryoso at hindi ko na mabasa ang ekspresyon niya.

"Gusto mo ba talagang tumigil na ko Za?" He looked at my eyes, I kind of expected for a comedic feel but when I looked at him, his eyes reflected pain, hope and I know I saw love in those beautiful brown eyes of his. 

His question caught me off-guard. 

Like I said, I'm not dumb. I know that Migs is not referring to his joke awhile ago. I know how complicated this relationship has been at alam kong nahihirapan na siyang itago kung anong meron kami. Alam ko dahil maging ako ay hindi ko alam kung hanggang kailan ko pa kami maitatago.

 A year ago, Miguel confessed his feelings to me, well not verbally and directly. He kissed me at doon nagsimula ang lahat ng ito. Naikwento niya na din sa akin na talagang gusto niya na ako simula nung Grade 6 pa kami ngunit di niya na muna iyon pinansin dahil nga sobrang bata pa namin but when I showed signs of interest and eventually I reciprocated his feelings, sumugal na siya.

Sumugal siya sa akin kahit na sinabi ko sa kanyang hindi ko maibibigay ang kung anong relasyon na hinihingi niya, but he told me he could wait. He told me that I was already enough. He made me feel that I was already enough. 

Totoo nga ba yan? Can two people really be together without the labels? I remembered my cousin Dwight telling me na ang isang relasyon parang damit lang, mas mahal pag may label. Sapat na ba ang nararamdaman ng dalawang tao para sa isa't isa para hamakin ang lahat? Is this relationship good enough for Miguel to stick with me until the end? 

I'm not a very expressive person. Hindi ako magaling sa pag-papaalam at pagpapakita kung ano talaga ang tunay na nararamdaman ko. Miguel's question made me reflect on our relationship at doon ko napagtanto na sa relasyon naming dalawa sobra sobra niya ng ipinaramdam at ipinakita sa akin kung gaano niya ako kagusto. Sobra sobra na din ang pasensya at pagsasakripisyo niya para sa akin and all I did was push him away whenever something goes wrong and pull him back whenever I feel I'm stable. 

Miguel's so drawn to me that he keeps coming back even though I never gave him any assurance. Pakiramdam niya siguro ngayon na kahit anong oras ay bibitawan at iiwan ko na siya and my heart feels like it's being shot at by a thousand archers at the thought of me making Miguel feel that. 

I don't want to make Miguel feel that way anymore. Sobra ko na siyang pinapahirapan and all he did was nothing but like me, love even. Who knows?

So I sighed and I decided to take a leap of faith. Just this once, Ryza be brave enough. Do something for yourself. I've always had this strong, brave, good girl and responsible facade but right now under Miguel's piercing and emotional eyes I can feel my facade crumbling down, revealing a scared, desperate and tired little girl just wanting to be free of all the pressure and expectations.