Stuck

Chapter 11

Not giving up

Hindi ko alam kung mga ilang segundo muna ang lumipas bago nagsalita ulit si Miguel. 

"How are you Za?" 

I let out a silent breathe I didn't know I was holding. He's asking me if I'm okay! Ako dapat ang nagtatanong nun sa kanya! You pushed him away Ryza but he's still asking you if you're okay!

Oh my God! That does mean......

He still cares for me? After what I did to him?

Hindi ako makapag-isip ng maayos ngunit nasagot ko pa din siya.

"Okay lang naman ako. Ikaw?" Of course he wouldn't be fine! You've hurt him. What a dumb question Ryza.

I don't know. Alam kong kailangan kong mag-sorry sa kanya ngunit hindi ko alam kung saan ako magsisimula. Pinagtabuyan ko siya without a proper explanation and it pains me so much because  if there's one person who should understand about my situation it is Miguel. 

Bakit ang hirap hirap na magpakawala ng tamang mga salita para sa nararamdaman mo? 

"I'm fine." Tipid niyang sagot. Yes I am a smart girl and one of the things I am more knowledgeable about is Miguel.It's a coded message. Alam kong sa sagot niyang ito madaming nakatagong mga emosyon at katanungan. Mga bagay na kapag napakawalan niya ay hindi ko din alam kung paano haharapin.

But if I really want us then I'd have to face his emotions at hand. 

 "How's your math review? Diba ngayong monday na ang -?" I cut him off.

"Listen Miguel, I really wanted to talk to you. Hell I wanted to talk to you as soon as possible but there has been a situation sa bahay and I needed to be there. Hindi kita nakita sa school nung friday. Do you know how much it kills me to know that I am causing you pain?" Hindi ko alam pero unti unti ng tumulo ang luha ko. Oh My God Ryza! Umayos ka nga hindi ka pa nag so-sorry!

The happenings these past few days have really gotten into me. All the feelings of doubt, anger, nonacceptance and so much pain I just couldn't help but just let it all out. 

Miguel's voice hit something in me. It's like a switch. He's like the switch. With Miguel I don't have to keep up with my facade. I never have to keep up with my facade. I'm just Ryza Alejandre without baggages. The girl who never has to keep up with any scholastic performance, expectations, popularity, fame, talks and responsibilities. 

Bu then it hit me.

And it hit so bad. Like how the ice berg hit the Titanic and left it sinking in the bottom of the North Atlantic ocean, except it's my realizations that hit me and I'm the Titanic. Miguel is on board and I'm bringing him down. I'm letting him sink with me.

I can't handle it. 

And I just couldn't do anything but let out the tears that I've been holding. I just let it all out.

"I'm sorry Miguel. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm really really really sorry." Humalgulhol na ako at pa ulit ulit na humihingi ng sorry sa kanya. Hinigpitan ko ang hawak sa phone ko. 

 All these thoughts came flying at me. Thoughts that made so much sense.  It made so much sense because it's true.  

I'm Ryza Alejandre, I have baggages and I'll always have baggages. I'm the girl who has to keep up with her scholastic performance, expectations from different people, fame, tallks, responsbilities, family and so many more. I can't believe how idiotic I've become thinking that I'll be free from all these. These things are what restrain me and I just feel so stuck. I couldn't move I couldn't do anything. I am nothing but a girl screaming, longing, and begging for an escape. Somewhere safe and somwhere I feel accepted.