Grace, after will left
This is moving WAY too fast but when he kissed me..... I just stopped thinking. Whenever Will is near me it's like my brain shuts down and I do the opposite of what my instincts tell me. It was like I was there but not completely. I was so numb inside with unidentified emotions but all I could think was I wanted more. It was like my thoughts were in a battle. Kiss him, your going to get hurt, make him love you, but he'll just end up leaving, no no no. yes yes yes.
As I was still deciding what to do my body acted like it had a mind of its own. I was kissing him with as much need as he was kissing me. But.....AGH. I am so confused. I thought he just wanted to be friends. He probably still does. Why did he kiss me then?
Was it a pity kiss? Did he feel he needed to because we are getting married? So then he doesn't love me and he did all of that because he thought he had to. When he kisses me I want him to mean it.
I know I want this, him. But I'm not ready. I just want everything to go back to the way it was before this all happened when everything was normal and I didn't have to worry about losing him. I was content with being his friend. It felt safe and I knew my part but now I'm in uncharted territory. I don't know what I'm doing and I feel like I have everything to lose if I do one thing wrong.
I know I'm not ready for this. How can someone trust someone else with there whole heart and give their whole selves to that other person. At any minute they can leave and they can betray you. At any minute they can leave you cold and alone with not even as much as a second glance. I'm too broken to trust Will. I've been rejected too many times, family after family.
I need to talk to Henry.
- At Henry's, in his room.
I plopped down on his bed and he lay down next to me. I said "I kissed Will then he left." He mumbled something (finally was what he mumbled) then said "well where'd he go." I looked down then said "he wouldn't tell me."
Henry said "he's probably getting you something and wants it to be a surprise. Trust me. I've known him for 18 years, all his life." I was talking about his secret when I said "and clearly you don't tell each other everything."
Henry stuck out his tongue and said "well, you only know because you walked in on me and Alex." I blushed and hid my face.
I said "Thanks for making me re-live that. It was bad enough the first time." He laughed and said "I can't believe you thought it was Will and me. You should have seen your face. Will is definitely straight. Don't worry."
I asked "you said you were going to tell him that your gay. So when are you." He stuck his tongue back out at me and said "well how would you tell him if it were you?" "good point."
Henry touched my cheek and said "hunny, what's wrong." I sighed and whispered "I'm scared." He hugged me and asked "you're afraid of what grace."
I said "Will, I'm afraid that he's going to leave me. Every time I see him though I forget everything and and and....i told him that I loved him. Every time I get close to something it slips away and now my instincts are to run before that happens but with Will I just can't. I'm scared to death of him not being here but I...I...I can't do it. I'm not ready to get married and have kids. Does Will even want kids? Where are we going to live? I need time. I am so stressed out already and it's only been a few days."
Henry hugged me and said "you need to get your crap in order... ever thought about seeing a psychologist." I yelled "I'm not crazy" Henry looked mad and said "I never said that. Going to a psychologist doesn't mean you're crazy. It might make you feel more comfortable if I said couples therapy instead. It will help you organize your emotions better and cope with all this stress." I wined "I don't know....it's kinda embarrassing." Henry kissed the top of my head and said "there's nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. Did you know that I went to a psychologist before? I wasn't always gay. My girlfriend... died. I don't want to talk about it but the therapy did help."
I lay back in the bed, sighed, and said "I'll think about it."
