Struggles In The Dark (A Carl Grimes Fanfiction)

Struggles In The Gray

Carl's P.O.V
"How are you holding up?"

"I'm fine, really. You don't have to be here," I say rolling my eyes.

"Your dad told me to come stay with you while they're both away," Sasha explains.

Dad thinks I'm emotionally, as well as physically, unstable. He thinks that Negan has broken and ruined me. That's why he's gone to get Denise.

But I'm not broken, or ruined, or anything.. I don't think. I'm fine, I'm still the same.

"They're both still in Alexandria, they're not away. Michonne's on patrol and Dad is down the road some. And there's no need to watch over me like a child, because I'm not. I can take care of myself."

"I know you can take care of yourself, we all do. Hell, you probably handle yourself better than the rest of us sometimes but that doesn't mean you don't need someone to look after you on occasions. This being one of those occasions."

"I'm fine! What does he expect will happen to me while I'm alone? Does he think Ron will brake in the house and kill me? Ron's not stupid enough to try to kill me again! Does he think —"

"Carl," Sasha says.

"What could happen to me, really? Does he think I'll kill myself? Oh, wait! I got it! Maybe he thinks Negan will come back and rape me some more! Yeah, that's got to be it!" I yell.

"Carl! Listen to me! You are not okay, nowhere near okay. And that's okay! You shouldn't be okay, not after everything," she yells back.

"How would you know how I feel? How would you know if I should be okay or not? You don't know anything about about how I feel! You and everyone else keep trying to make my pain relatable! Everyone I care about always dies! Everyone I want to care about always dies! Everyone!" I yell through a shaky voice.

Sasha stands still, eyes locked on mine. She looks taken aback, almost sad. Then she speaks to me in a calm, even voice.

"After Bob, I never expected to be okay again. And then one day I was. But after Tyreese.. God, I never thought I'd ever want to live again. The pain was there and it was real and it hurt like hell. I thought of dying everyday after he died. I thought of how sweet it would be to leave all of the pain behind. I thought of how sweet it would be to see him again, Bob even. But one day, the pain got better, and then one week I wanted to live again. I know how you feel, Carl. I do, trust me. And I'm sorry that you're hurting, but one day you won't be hurting anymore. It gets better a little at a time. You gotta believe that."

"Sasha... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to —"

"Don't apologize, I know you didn't mean too."

                            __________

"I'm sorry I couldn't do much, Rick. We just don't have the luxury of nice equipment like at a hospital these days," Denise apologizes.

"No problem, thanks for taking a look at him. See you later, Denise."

"Bye, Rick. Glad you're home, Carl," she says walking out the door.

"I told you I was fine, she didn't have to come over for another check up. I've been back for a week, if I were hurt you'd know," I say standing up from the couch.

He raises his hands as if surrendering, "Okay, I know. I should've believed you. I'm just scared. I've almost lost you before. With Otis, then Ron, then you leaving and ending up with Negan. I don't want to lose you, or almost lose you ever again."

"I know, Dad. But you still should've taken my word, I wouldn't have lied to you."

Yes I would have.