Struggles In The Dark (A Carl Grimes Fanfiction)

First Time Again

Carl's P.O.V
Today is the day that I'm supposed to be happy. After all, it is a nice, sunny day. There's not a cloud in sight; although, it is a bit cool.

Today is the day that I'm supposed to finally feel safe again. I'm going home today, but I can't feel anything other than guilt and sadness. Luke was supposed to be here, standing beside me. He's supposed to be walking through the gates of Alexandria with me. But he's not. Negan deprived him of that privilege. Deprived me of that privilege.
Luke and I left together, we're supposed to be returning together. We're supposed to be together.

"Wipe that damn tear off your face and get back to cleaning up the common room! Why the hell are you crying anyways? Going home's not enough for you?" Derek says questioning critically.

"I'm just.. I'm glad I'm going home," I lie.

                            __________

"Too bad your boyfriend couldn't be here for this. I'm sure he would've loved to go home too. Oh well," Dwight says.

"Go to hell," I mutter climbing into Negan's truck.

"Let's get moving!" Negan yells.

Two trucks drive off and we follow in line behind them.

I can't stop thinking about Luke. He deserves this, not me. I'm the one who should've died, not him. He was such a good person. He was nice, smart, and brave. He was genuinely a good person. He was so much better than me in every way, he didn't deserve death. I do.

Everything is so.. backwards. This was never supposed to happen.

                           __________

"Don't say a damn word until I say you can. Don't move a damn muscle until I say you can. This better not be like it was with The Hilltop," Negan says pulling up to Alexandria, "Get out," he says to Dwight after he parks the truck. When Negan and Dwight exit the truck, the other men exit their two trucks as well.

"Open up, Rick!" Negan yells, "Give me my shit!"

The gate slowly opens and reveals only familiar faces. A sudden pang in my chest emerges because I want to get to them, I want to touch them. But I can't, not yet anyways.

My dad, Michonne, Daryl, Glenn, Maggie, Sasha, Carol, and Morgan are standing in a line in front of us now.

"Where's my boy?"

"You ain't gettin' nothing until Carl's back here with us!" Daryl yells.

"Carl, get out here!" Negan yells over his shoulder, still making eye contact with my group.

I open the door and can see my dad's posture straighten, making himself look taller. The anxiety of what he might see is plainly written all over his face. Will he see a beaten up kid, maybe missing another body part? Or will he see the same one eyed kid he saw the night Luke and I left?

I step out of the truck and everyone reacts differently.

My dad puts his hands on his hips and looks down, obviously trying not to tear up in front of our new threat. Michonne covers her mouth with her hands, letting a tear falling down her cheek. Daryl nods and sighs in relief. Glenn and Maggie hug each other, causing Maggie to sob into Glenn's shirt. Sasha covers her mouth with her left hand, leaving her right hand on her hip as her eyes tear up. Carol mouths my name and a "Thank God" before covering her mouth. I don't think she could handle losing another kid, not after Sophia and Lizzie and Mika. Morgan smiles slightly and nods his head at me.

I can't help it, seeing all of them together, relieved to see me again, makes me start to tear up too. This whole moment is just too much to handle at once.

"Goddammit! Don't start that!" he says punching me in my stomach, causing me to double over in pain.

The group tenses and makes a move to come to my rescue, but come to a halt when they notice the guns aimed at them. I force myself to ignore the pain and stand back up.

"You can have the boy back when you give me my shit!" Negan states.

"What about Luke? Where is he?" Dad asks.

"He tortured him to death!" I yell.

"Dammit, Carl!" Negan says while connecting his fist with my face, "Do you ever learn?"

Blood trickles down my chin from my bottom lip and I wipe it away as best as I can. Olivia and Denise push out two big carts full of our supplies. They honestly don't need that much from us. They have plenty from the other communities.

"Now that's a load right there! Damn, looks like I won't get to kill one of you after all," Negan booms loudly.

                             __________

Negan's men have loaded the supplies into truck, finally.

"Give me back my boy!"

"Go ahead, Carl."

I never thought in a million years I'd be back here again, with my group... with my family. But here I am, walking straight towards my dad.

He hugs me tightly and I hug him back just as tight.

"Carl..." he says softly, trying to convince himself this is real.

He doesn't have to finish that sentence, I know exactly what he's trying to say through all of his  racing thoughts and mixed emotions.

"I love you, Dad."

"I love you too, Carl."

I turn away from him and look at the rest of them. I share a hug with each of them before turning back to Negan.

"You said my dad was weak, like me. You said my people were weak also, but the thing is.. you don't know shit about us. You don't know what we've had to do. You don't know what we can do. But one day you will know exactly what we're capable of, what I'm capable of."

"Carl.." Dad says quietly as he rests a hand on my shoulder.

Negan only smiles at me.

"No, but you know exactly what I'm capable of," he replies cocky.

And with that, him and his men get back in their trucks and drive away.

I turn around to face Alexandria once more and I walk through the gates, just like it was the first time again.