To You, Who I May Never See

Falling; The Middle, or the Beginning?

I feel it over. And over. Every night. Even during the day sometimes. The distress of having something I love leave me. Or hate me. Once upon a time, it only happened in nightmares. But now I wake without you beside me. And no matter how hard I try to take my mind off of it it doesn't work. And I truly hope you never find out what this feels like. Or that you know everything I'm feeling.

They talk to me again you know. The voices. They're funny. Ringing little bells of hope in my mind. "It's ok, he still love you!" They say. Only to get my hopes up though. The bigger they are the harder they fall. I used to have you to silence them when they told me you didn't love me. And now I don't have you when they tell me you do? What kind of sense does that make. Stupid voices.

But there's that one voice among all the others. It's her again. The one from all those years ago. "You know, the offer is still up. If you fall asleep forever, you'll be able to dream and never be woken." She doesn't want me to die, mind you. She really wants me to sleep. Sometimes I see her. She's different than I thought. Long brown hair with those red eyes... She appears every now and then. She reminds me you're gone. Or you will be soon anyway... then she holds it out. The bottle of pain killers. Did you know? She says if you take enough you won't feel all your body's systems shutting down.

I don't believe that though. She's an airhead.

But her offer is tempting. I never see you in this realm anymore. But in the dream world, you're always there. It doesn't matter if you're hurting me or leaving me. Because the next second you're back. And sure it's to cause more pain. But I see you. I know you're there. I'd cry forever if it meant you were by my side.

Remember when we told each other what was happening to us? Maybe you don't. But you did once upon a time. You told me your fears and your pain. But I guess I can't be trusted with that anymore.

I'll be alone for what feeling like years when it's only a few hours. What feels like centuries when it's only a day. I thought people were exaggerating when they said things like that. But it's true.

You and I were inseparable. We would fight for each other with all our might. We were by each other's side all the time. Now it feels like you're trying to get away and all I am is a lost puppy.

I love you. And practically every time I say it... there's either no response or you dodge it. But I guess it can't be helped. I'm only good for a fight. I'm not something keep around for very long. I was surprised you even kept me for more than a year.

Remember that promise? The one we made at Christmas? That we would never leave or forget or stop loving each other? Class A job at keeping that one.

I can't help but wonder it now, what was the first lie you ever told me? And when did you stop telling me what was happening? I'd go to the depths of hell for you. So why? Why can't I know what's going on? That just makes it worse when I don't know. And trust me whatever is happening, the voices can make me think of something worse.

The nightmares are nice though. There's blood and tears all over my dream realm. But at least I KNOW how they got there. And least I KNOW there I'm not alone. I have you. A demented... twisted... murderous and uncaring version of you... but you know what? It's better than nothing.

So I hope you never see this. I hope you never feel this pain with... whoever it is you really love... But I have to write this... Because I can't do anything else! I want to cry and sob and scream to the damned sky! And I want to cry to you! But if I can't when get one word to you what am I supposed to do? Maybe I know. Maybe I am supposed to follow her advice. Fall into a coma. A dream which I can never be woken from. And who knows? Maybe I'll be lucky enough for it to be a good dream... But that's a story for when I make my final choice.

Nightmares? Or reality?