The Boys

hurt me

I slept the whole almost 5 hour journey back. Traffic was a little iffy apparently but that didn't bother me. I slept off some more of my hangover and sadness. But the sadness was still there and still as daunting as ever. I got into the house and went straight upstairs with Robert helping me carry some of the things and my bag to my room. It was a Tuesday afternoon and all the boys were home on this rainy day. Those who I did encounter gave me a small hello and a smile but they knew I was not in the right frame of mind for conversation.

I wanted to go back to bed and to sleep off the rest of my hangover when I got into my room but one lurking box would not leave my mind. I had the key fastened around my neck so I would not lose it. I have come way too far to lose this key. Mum's box meant a lot to me.

I sat on my bed, music playing out of my phone softly. I was crying again. I had put on Mum's jumper. I never knew the smell of her could be so comforting. The key was now in my hand, the box perched in front of me. I held onto the key tightly, feeling as if it was Mum's hand again and I could never let it go. I ran a finger softly over the art work of the box. Treasuring every little bump and dip. I have spent my whole life leading up to this moment. There is no turning back now.

I slide the key in carefully, my breathing hitching a little. I had to be so careful. So very careful. This is all I have left of Mum and I cannot afford to damage it. The lid opens up and my eyes scan the contents. There was more than a photo album in here. My hospital bracelet from when I was born, my birth certificates, a few drawings I did for Mum when I was in primary school. Photos scattered the box.

I gather a few of the photos and instantly smile at the first one. It is me and Mum. Mum had just given birth to me. She looked so young, so happy and healthy. She had colour in her cheeks and a genuine smile on her face. The next picture is what I use to call a family. Me, Mum and Dad were all together in the hospital. I haven't seen Dad smile like he does in the picture very often. It was so strange to see him smiling like that. It was never a mundane thing.

A few more pictures in and my heart stops. The people who called themselves a mother and a brother are pictured with me. They have met me before. They appeared for the important times they thought were relevant in Mum's life. I am going to burn this photograph. These people will never be Mum's family. I was all she had even if I only came around half way through her life.

Then there are letters. I picked up the first one.

Eve

Mum lost all her fine motor skills by the time I was 9. These letters must be so old. Should I open it? I scan the envelope with nimble fingers. Yes, I can open it. A delicate 1 is placed in the left corner. Open when I am gone x is written beside it. You aren't gone, Mum. You will never be gone because I will keep you alive for as long as possible. You will always affect my actions and behaviours, even if you are not with me.

I have to stop completely. I hands were shaking too violently and I was crying too hard to focus on the letter. I would rip the whole thing if I continued and I would hate myself so much. No, I need to breathe. I need to be able to have a coherent thought about my next few moves.

My beautiful little darling,

I am so sorry that you have to read this letter. In reality, I wanted you to be at least 40 years old before you had to even think about something like this. I never, ever wanted to leave you however everyone knew this time was coming and there was no way to avoid it. Eve, my precious baby girl, you are a star and you lit up my whole universe by just being with me. You are everything I could have asked for. You are the daughter I wanted to be a mother to and I am so, so proud of you, Princess. Please smile, please be happy now that I have gone. Remember me if you ever feel alone but forget me if I cause you too much pain. I never wanted you to be upset nor hurt because of me. I wrote this letter as our last goodbye. I want you to hold my hand when I go because death is a cold, lonely place. And if you were unable to be there, just know that it was my time. I fought for so many years to watch you grow and to hear you laugh because they were the best years of my life. I have always wanted to be a mother and I am overjoyed that I can be yours. You are everything I have ever needed a daughter to be. You are smart and beautiful and you are so talented, my super star. You are going to go so far in life. Please never let anyone nor anything stop you from living your dreams. You and Dad can manage without me, I know you two can. And sometimes he may not show this, but he loves you more than you can ever think. He may even love you more than I love you and I thought that was impossible because you are my life. You and your father can get by in life just fine without me, all I was ever able to do was hold you back. Don't stay in Wiltshire, this place is God awful. Travel somewhere else, restart life with your father and treat yourself. You need the biggest treat ever, Evie. Please remember to be happy. Always be happy. Keep smiling, keep your head held high, keep being the best you can be. I love you to every star and back, Eve.