For Crying Out Loud

24: Who I Am or Was

Sierra P.O.V.

It's Thursday morning when Hayden knocks on my door, I opened it and stare shocked at her. Her large green eyes staring at me with her shoulder-length brown brushing her flushed cheeks. I haven't seen her in months. We've barely spoken since we broke up, but here she is, staring wide-eyed at me on my porch. Then she hugs me.

Jake wasn't my first love. Not really. Hayden had my heart my entire seventh grade year. My first girlfriend. The first person to ever break my heart. My first real love. Our relationship was a constant on and off thing, but this past time, I thought it would really be the end. But here she stands, beautiful as ever and worry birthing in her deep green orbs.

"Oh My God, are you okay? I just heard about all the shit from Austin, apparently Jude told him everything. Are you okay? I can't believe you did all that. I can't believe I wasn't there for you. How are you?" I hug her back and take a deep breath as I move back. She enters the house and sits on the couch, awaiting for the backstory. That's one thing about Hayden. She is stubborn as fuck. If she cares about you in the slightest, she finds her way to make sure your okay. I rub my eyes and yawn from just waking up.

"Let me get some coffee, and I'll explain everything." She nods and waits as I pour some coffee in my blue mug, followed by a couple teaspoons of sugar and hazelnut creamer. I take a sip as I take a seat next to her. "Where do I start?"

"Why did you try to kill yourself?" She gets straight to the point. I muffle a groan. This is too much for so early in the morning. What time is it anyway? I take out my phone and look at the time. 1:30p.m. Okay, so maybe it isn't as early as I thought. I sigh and look at Hayden's expectant eyes. I take another sip of coffee and get comfortable.

"I guess I felt like the world was ripped out from under me. Jake left me for Amy. My step dad disappeared. Found a new family and everything. My actual dad started texting me and calling me, pretended he actually cared. I didn't believe it for a second. Everything around me sort of fell. I was being replaced by everyone. Even my friends started to drift. I couldn't take it, so I tried to end it."

"Why didn't you call me?" She says, looking at me with eyes shaded with nostalgia. I sigh and run my fingers through my knotted hair as I shrug.

"I wasn't really thinking in that moment. I just wanted it over." I say. She nods in understanding, and anticipates me to carry on. "I had no idea I was pregnant. If I had, I never would have even thought about taking the pills. When I had the miscarriage, I swore I was dreaming. There was no way that could happen. But it did. I lost the baby that I had no idea I was carrying." I place my hand over my stomach and close my eyes. Without realizing, Hayden is wiping tears from my eyes and hugging me.

"Then Jake came and found me after I got out of the hospital and I told him to get out of my life. That I didn't want him in it anymore. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I watched him walk away, and ignored the impulse to chase after him. Instead of doing that, I took the girl I'm currently seeing home, followed by me sleeping with her. I hesitated of course, but it happened. I still feel guilty about it." She pulls my head to her shoulder, where I sulk softly. She's always been good at consoling me.

"Then my dad decided to swing by, yelled at me a little, and left. Jake beat the shit out of him. That was the last thing that has happened between us. Besides the fight that got me suspended." I chuckle a little into her bony shoulder. "I finally got my hands on Amy."

She smiles and pets my hair. "About damned time. She had it coming." I smile back at her before sitting all the way up and wiping my eyes. I sit there and look down at my hands, losing myself in thought. "What are you thinking about?" She asks. I shake my head, not looking up from my hands.

"It's just so much has changed. All of us are no where near who we used to be. Everything has dissolved into fragments, and I've no idea how it happened."

She nods and settles herself into the couch. "Things have changed. Austin is engaged. Mika is pregnant. I'm consoling you for once, instead of the other way around. Chris wants me to move in with him. I'm not one hundred percent on it yet. But yes, things have changed. But no matter how much changes, you are still the shy writer with huge dreams I fell for like six years ago. You may be a little lost, but you're still you, Sierra. You're going to go to Boston and go to college. You're going to write and follow you're dreams. You may find love on the way, or it may be after it's all over. But you will find real love. Don't let my mistakes or Jake's mistakes or anyone else's mistakes get in the way of who you are meant to become." She rubs my back before standing up and grabbing my hand.

"Where are we going?" I ask. She just smiles as she leads me out the door.

"I'm going to help you remember who are you, and I know just the place to do that." I look at her nervously as she continues to pull me to her car. I don't know where she could be taking me, but if I can't remember who I am, Hayden Sterling sure as hell can remind me.

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I felt as if I had to add this character. It just didn't feel right without her. I'm not going to allow her to mix things up more than it already is, but she will be a big part in helping Sia find herself. As for Jake, your probably wondering where he is. Just give it time, he needs to find himself as well. VOTE, COMMENT, TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!!! LOVE YOU MY DARKLINGS!!