drugged m.c.

01

          I kept walking , not really caring where my feet led me. I just didn't want to be there, or here..

I didn't want to be anywhere.

        Everything was blurry. My head was spinning; I felt unusually sick. My puffy red cheeks were tear stained, and I was mentally ruined. It was cold. That didn't make any sense. It was mid June and at least 70 degrees.

          My black jeans were rubbing together at my thighs as I continued walking. My hoodie covered the top of my head covered in dark, red faded hair.

     I wonder what you're doing right now. Is your insomia getting the best of you?

         I sniffled for the hundreth time as I walked down the dirt road next to an old bar. Or was it a tattoo parlor? I wasn't sure. It was dark. Too dark. But not dark enough to keep my eyes from spotting multiple trains lined along a few tracks.

       Are you with her right now? She's absolutely stunning. I get why you chose her. She has a breath taking smile; her eyes are a vibrant bright blue. She's funny. She's happy. Everyhting that I'm not.

         I couldn't stop the tears from coming. I looked down at the ground as I walked. I looked at my worn converse that were once a bright blue, but now a depressing gray.

          I pulled the straps of my backpack tighter as I faced the large blocks of metal. I didn't hesitate to climb the nearest one , reaching the top.

I couldn't help but admire the graffiti along the train. I've always wanted to get the hang of art like that. I guess I'll never learn how.

          Do you remember our first kiss? Because I do. I couldn't forget if I tried. I still remember the tint of light in your hazel-green eyes; how needy you were. I was needy, too. We were too young to be in love. But that didn't matter to us.

         As soon as I was settled, I took out my phone and texted him. It was 4:35 am. I hope he doesn't get the text right now. I don't want him to be the last person I talk to; yet at the same time, i want him to be the one that hears of the last of me.

        "I still do. Love you. I don't think that I could ever stop. So that's why I have to leave for awhile."

        I laughed to myself. At myself. Why am I so pathetic? It's not like he'll care. Why would he? He has a better replacement. An upgrade. He has everything he's ever wanted and more.

       I sat in silence for the next few minutes. I decided to wait about ten minutes. Maybe he'd see it.  I wasn't expecting any reply.

                One..

                                                  Two..

                                                                                 Three..

                                                                                                                           Four...

                                               

               

                                                                      New messege

       I held my breath as I opened the text. I was expecting an "Ok.." or maybe even "Why should I care?" But I guessed wrong.

                                         "Where are you? Don't say stuff like that."

                           I quickly replied, not hesitating to wait for a second response.

                                                                        "Gone."

               And with one fast arm movement, I threw my phone to the ground.

I didn't want anyone texting or tracking me. Because they didn't care. No one did. He didn't. So I continued sobbing, reminding myself that it's going to end. All of this pain.

              That on the otherside, I won't have to deal with this. That I won't have to fight a constant war with myself and my depression, that always gets the best of me.

Maybe then, once I escape this reality, this fucked up drug will finally ware away.

"I love you."

This is by far the worst drug of all. You can't control how much of it you take. You can't control yourself after you've taken it. It can be beautiful; a never ending high. Or it could be your worst nightmare; a bittersweet hell.

It's a pretty well known drug;

Love.

And I couldn't be more drugged.

" I love you, too."