An Instrument in His Hands

Part 1 Chapter 14

Part 1

Chapter 14

I scrambled up my tree to ponder mightily as soon as I returned home. What had that deaf woman’s words meant? Did Aaron harbor a romantic interest in me? What would I do about it if he did? Could I ever, ever, return it? It was not likely. 

                                                                                                                                         It was more likely that the woman had misinterpreted Aaron’s emotions. After all, she knew nothing of our past history. It was more likely that his playing with my hair was a symbol of his innocent childhood, restored to him after much repentance. It was like being pure and sinless children again. Yes, that was what it was. Of course it was!

Like the old woman, a flood of memories opened up to me  –  memories that I had thrown far away from my heart.

I reached up and plucked them, like pictures, out of the floating clouds as I hid myself above the topmost branches where none but God could see or find me.

Once I had ridden atop Aaron’s shoulders at a festival and covered up his eyes so that he could not see where we were walking. Together we were as tall as an adult, and I felt I could see forever. Aaron was strong enough to carry me because I had been very young then. He pulled my hands away from his eyes time and time again, until I laughed so loudly that he put me down. Then I hugged his legs and begged him to lift me up where I could see the colorful pageantry, until he picked me up once again. He was so kind and patient with my antics.

We played many games. I sometimes curled up like a ball and was thrown about by his brothers. Though I was near the same age as Hemni, I was much smaller and made a better human ball. They all threw me high into the air, over and over, and I closed my eyes trusting that they would catch me. How had I ever trusted them so?

During church, Aaron used to wrap shells or flowers into my hair when I became restless and pass them over my shoulder for me to unwrap. I loved his little surprises.

I adored Aaron, and his brothers. A tear slipped off my chin and fell all the way down to the ground, shattering on a rock far below. How had my adoration come to end so tragically? How?

There was a time at school when Hemni became my favorite and I let him try to kiss me. It was so embarrassing to remember now! We actually carved our names into a tree together! Oh, dear! Unfortunately, Hemni kissed me within sight of Aaron who promptly punched him in the nose. ‘You can’t kiss the girl I’m going to marry when we grow up!’ he yelled at Hemni. 'That is like kissing your sister. Yuk!' Everyone else at school heard Aaron too. From then on I was his property.

I went home and asked Mother if I was going to marry Aaron when I grew up. No wonder Mother had such ideas!

That’s when Aaron gave me the rabbit’s foot. It marked me as his.

The rabbit’s foot was soft and pliable. It tapped against my skirt when I walked.  It's toes could be bent or spread, and I rubbed it through my fingers when I was scared or nervous. Often, I held it against my cheek when I fell asleep.

I was proud to wear his rabbit’s foot. Once I watched Aaron take part in a Passover dinner we shared with his family. He did so reverently and honorably. I listened intently when he stood tall and straight to quote the word of God to us.

How had he changed from the boy I most looked up to and trusted into a young man that frightened me so much that I never wanted to see him again?

Another tear crashed down onto the rock as more memories rained into my consciousness.

It all started when Alma, the son of our High Priest, started cheating the people who made offerings at the temple. Aaron and his brothers found that humorous.

It was not.

That’s when they lost the love of the Lord. They started doing rebellious things, like making fun of others and making a mock of the teachers. Then they stopped doing their school work and started sneaking around and visiting the cave above the city.

The day I saw Aaron holding hands with a girl his own age, I removed the rabbit’s foot from my sash and tucked it away in a box in my room.

I no longer belonged to Aaron, if I ever really had. I didn’t want him anymore.

When I heard rumors of things they were doing in the cave in the woods, I declared that it did not concern me, that Aaron was not my business! Nevertheless, other students liked to tell rumors to me as if it was my business. It was not.

Until they tried to involve my brother.

By then I’d lost all respect for my former friends. Gone were their sweet smiles. Gone were their games. Gone were the presents in my hair. Gone was their reverence as they served in the church. Gone was my trust.

Once again I remembered them arrayed against me as I protectively splayed myself in front of Andrew. Their hands were clenched into fists, their eyes were narrowed, and their animal bodies were hunched ready to strike me. What happened to their love? Why was distrust and hatred in their eyes, and more – blood lust? They would have harmed me. They would even have taken my virtue and rejoiced in it.

It made me sick to remember.

Could I forgive them? Could love actually be restored in such a case? ‘Oh, God, help me,’ I prayed. ‘I cannot forgive them by myself.’

This time my tears fell on the palms of my hands.

‘Oh, God, wipe away my bad memories and leave only the good.’

‘Choose your memories,’ came into my mind.

I looked up. Had my prayer been answered? Could I solve this by remembering only the good? Could I let go of my bitterness?

I would try. I would try to retrieve the little girl who had been bounced into the air by a group of boys that she loved and adored. Because I had loved them, and still did.