An Instrument in His Hands

Part 1 Chapter 12

Part 1

Chapter 12

Mother’s obsession got on my nerves so much that I retreated up the tree behind our house. Mother never, ever followed me there, so I was safe. I hid up there with the bright birds for an hour before Andrew climbed up to find me.

‘You know, it’s a real nice change to have you play the role of rebellious sibling, for once,’ he confessed.

I laughed. It was so good to have the old Andrew back. Then I asked, ‘Why is Mother so ambitious? I never realized she was that way.’

Andrew leaned back and snorted. ‘I did. My whole life she told me that I have to be successful and hold the highest possible position in the government. If she had her way, I’d be the king. Then she would ask me to conquer the Lamanites!’

I laughed again.

‘Don’t laugh! She’s transferred her ambition to you now that I am beyond reform. Watch out.’

I faced him. ‘You are not beyond reform! Look at the way the king’s sons have repented and changed their lives and the lives of others.’ I was not sure of the truth of my words, but they were meant to encourage my brother.

He grunted. ‘That’s exactly why the king’s sons rebelled too.’

‘They rebelled because of our mother’s ambition?’

‘Abigail, be serious. In school, we were constantly told about the gravity of the roles we would take on to carry on a growing kingdom. It was daunting. None of us wanted that kind of responsibility!’

I understood. I didn’t want it either. How much simpler life would be if one married a carpenter.

A few birds came back to settle in the upper tree branches until Andrew spoke again and disturbed them. ‘We watched as our own fathers spent more and more time away from us. They had no life of their own and carried the weight of the kingdom on their shoulders, always fearful of attacks from our enemies, both within and without the kingdom – not to mention the ever growing burden of the poor and needy who do not belong to the church.’

‘I didn’t know, Andrew.’

Andrew was silent for a while.

Then I asked him, ‘How do you feel about bearing that burden now?’

‘Ha! Would anyone ask me to, in my condition?’

I leaned towards him. ‘Are you still having a hard time resisting temptation?’

‘The worst is over – the pain. They say I will come to a point where I have no desire for sin, but, I’m not there yet. I’m not sure I even want to be there.’

I was shocked and did not know how to respond. I waited for him to speak again.

‘Muloki and the others urge me to come to Jesus Christ, so that my desires will change.’

‘Are, are their desires completely changed?’

‘They say they are, but when I pressed them, they confessed that they will always experience some degree of physical cravings.’

I shuddered. ‘How do they not give in to them? How do they resist?’

‘They stay anxiously engaged, constantly serving others and building the Kingdom and the Church. They have not a moments rest from it. It seems to me as much or more work as serving in the government would have been.’

‘Yes.’

‘What if I fail? How can I trust myself to do that now, when I could not do it earlier? And, mostly, how can I not want to sin? It was fun.’

I was so angry that I almost fell from my branch. ‘Fun!’ I protested. ‘How can it be fun when you can’t stop yourself? How can you say it’s fun when it ruins other people’s lives?’

‘Whose life?’

I secured my footing. ‘Mine! We are so poor from all the money that you’ve spent that I was scavenging food in the market dump just to feed Mother and Father! Why do you think I spend all my time learning to cook and clean and wash clothes?’

‘Well, things must have turned around. Mother still has servants to wait on her.’

‘And who do you think is paying them, Father?’

Andrew stuck a leaf in his mouth nonchalantly. ‘He’s still working.’

I reached out and shook his branch. ‘He works day and night to pay off your debts so we don’t all become indentured servants. We can’t afford our servants! We can’t even afford a bag of beans without selling off something.’

‘Then, who is paying the servants and buying our food?’

I sank back and admitted, ‘Aaron.’

Andrew was silent for a long time. A bird fluttered down on a branch near us and pecked at an insect. At last Andrew spoke quietly, ‘Mother is right. Aaron means to marry you. He’s taken on the burden of our family, and he’s going to take upon himself the kingdom...’

‘No, no, no,’ I interrupted. ‘He’s letting me repay him by making visits.’

Andrew ignored me. ‘…with you as his queen.' Then he asked, 'Will you do it?'

'No!'

'You know,’ he continued as if he had not heard me, ‘if you can believe in Aaron enough to marry him and help him bear the burden of the Kingdom, perhaps I too can believe in myself.’

I bounced a bit on my branch. ‘Wait a minute! Wait just a minute! You are starting to sound like our mother.’

Andrew continued to ignore my words. ‘Do you believe in Aaron, Abigail? Do you believe he can do it? Do you believe he can change that much?’

‘Of course!’ I responded quickly, for his benefit. But did I believe that at all?

Andrew sat up and stated, ‘Well, if he can change that much, perhaps I can.’

I waved my arm. ‘Wait! You can’t put your faith in a mere human being. Only God is totally dependable. You have to put your faith in God, like Muloki does.’

‘Does Aaron put his faith in God?’

‘Well, yes, of course. He saw an angel.’

‘Then an angel is good enough for me. I will put my faith in Aaron, and you. If you can have faith, then I can have faith.’

I did not know what to say.  I was aghast. How dare he condition my imagined marriage to his own repentance? How dare he put me in that position? What if I did not love Aaron, or desire to marry him? Could I desire it? What if Aaron had no intention to wed me? Andrew was being ridiculous! He must still be having hallucinations.

Andrew leaned back on the branch and relaxed again, watching another bird landing on a nest in the very top of the tree. It tucked a few pieces of grass onto the side of its home.

Why was Andrew putting the burden back on me? Why condition his behavior on mine? He was manipulating me – but for what purpose? Security? Did he want Aaron to continue to take care of our family so he didn’t have to, so he didn’t have to feel guilty? What game was he playing?

After carefully deliberating, I turned the tables on Andrew and made up my own game. Two could play at this as well as one. I said to Andrew, ‘Perhaps I can believe in Aaron’s complete change of heart, if I can believe in yours,’ and jumped down from the tree.

Those were my parting words. I meant what I told him. I did not yet believe in Aaron.