My Angel of Music

Death

"Death is like going to sleep.  You just go to sleep, and then you're nothing.  You don't exist, you don't belong, you are just nothing."  

My father's words rang in my ears as I laid there on the cold floor.  He was never one to sugar coat things, and he didn't believe in heaven.  He did in a way, he said, but he never fully explained that to me.  "When I'm in heaven, child, I shall send you the Angel of Music."    Another promise echoed in my head, making my head hurt.  So my Angel of Music was returning to heaven, now?  I couldn't believe that it was true, but I knew it was.  I could feel him slipping away.  I could hear his heart slowly stop beating even though he was in the next room.

Meg and I had been lying on the floor now for a few hours, silent and solemn.  She had tried to get me to speak, but I refused.  

I began to pray.  Not to God, but to my Angel.  Maybe not pray....But sort of sing, in my head.

Angel of Music, guide and guardian,

Grant to me your glory.

Angel of Music, hide no longer,

come to me strange Angel.

Then I truly prayed.  To God.  I prayed for Erik, I prayed for myself, I prayed for all of our sakes.  I hoped beyond hope that He was listening.  It was so important that he listened now.  

"Christine?"  I heard the doctor's rough voice call my name.  I slowly turned my head to face the door.  He stood over me, but squatted down to hear me better.  He didn't say anything, only stared at me sadly.  "He's dead.  I've not waited for you to tell me that."  I said dryly, my voice calm and matter of fact.  He didn't answer, only looked at Meg strangely, then looked back at me.  "Christine.  Do you want to see him?"  He asked.  I closed my eyes, realizing, that he was truly gone.  But no tears came.  Maybe he had taken my very soul with him, leaving me barren with no emotions.

I got up slowly, to my joints protest.  It was dark inside the bedroom, only a single candle lighting the room.  I walked in, my eyes on my feet the whole walk there.  Suddenly I was at the bedside, staring at the bed skirt.  I couldn't bring myself to look up and see Erik's pale, lifeless face.  Maybe if I hoped hard enough, my mind would play a trick on me and make his face pink and happy, like only a few hours ago.  So I wished it with all my heart, that I could go insane, then and there, just long enough to imagine his lively face staring back at me.  

I forced my eyes to slowly travel up the bed.  I saw the bed skirt, then the bottom of the mattress, and, to my dismay, a white hand, hanging limply over the edge of the bed.  I let out a horrified cry, and my hand flew to my mouth.  I shut my eyes to block out the image of the dead Angel's cold, lifeless flesh.  I wanted to remember him happy and full of life, not dead and cold.  "Angel, you promised not to leave me."  I whispered, too low for anyone else to hear.  Then my mind played a wonderful trick, a trick that made my heart flutter and my cheeks turn pink.  

"I'm here, mon ange.  I kept my promise."  His voice answered weakly.  I gasped, but didn't dare open my eyes in fear of scaring the spell of insanity away.  "Angel?  Speak, what endless longing!"  I replied quietly.  I listened intently for a reply, but heard only a faint chuckle.  Something cold grasped onto my hand, forcing my eyes open.  I looked down at my hand to see it's captor, the same pale, white hand that I had tried to block from my brain.  I gasped and forced myself to look at his face.  A face that was supposed to be dead and lifeless.  But, instead, I found a pale, but definitley alive Erik!  My mind was giving me such a great gift!

I collapsed at the side of the bed and held the cold hand to my cheek.  I brought my face close to the face of my imaginary, alive husband and shut my eyes tightly.  "Oh, what a joy insanity is.  If this is the only way to see your alive face, so be it.  I welcome the warm arms of madness if it means another moment with you."  I cried softly.  Another chuckle was heard and I savored the sound of it.  The honey filled warmth of just a single note filled my soul with freedom.  

"Christine, you aren't insane."  "Erik"  whispered.  I nodded happily.  "Alright, whatever you say.  Just let me enjoy this moment."  I said.  The cold hands weakly pulled me away.  "Mon ange, I am alive.  I didn't die."  He said firmly.  I didn't believe him.  I heard his heart stop.  I felt him leave.  The doctor never said he was alive....But he also never said he was dead.  "Doctor?  He is alive?"  I asked timidley, terrified that he would say no.  But to my delight he answered in the positive.  I cried out and buried my head in the sheets next to my very much alive husband.  Finally the tears returned and I was able to weep with joy.

"Erik, I thought I lost you!  Do not ever scare me like that again!'  i yelled into the bed.  Erik rubbed my back slowly, and with great effort.  "I promised, didn't I?"  He joked weakly.  I smiled and kissed his cold cheek.  "Damn it, Erik, I hate you."  I growled.  He smiled and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.  We were interrupted by the doctor once more.  "The surgery was a success.  But, he will need bed rest for a month or so.  I'll stay over night to moniter him, if that is okay."  He explained.  I nodded eagerly.  "Yes, of course.  I'll get a servant to prepare a room."  I said and ordred the neares maid to do so.

I laid back beside Erik and touched his pale cheek.  "I love you."  I whispered.  "I obviously love you because I'm still here right?"