My Angel of Music

Love and Hate Are the Same, Right?

I needed to be alone.  No Meg, no servants, and most of all, no Erik.  But the thing was, he might as well be sitting right next to me, breathing down my neck because I couldn't get him out of my head.  I saw him banging on the piano keys and making the horrid song that caused me to scream.  I saw him kissing Joanna.  I saw him kill Joseph Buqet.  I saw him tie Raoul up with a noose.  I saw him push me down after removing his mask.  And all these images made me angrier and angrier.  He was a wretched man, a monster really.  That's how he saw himself, and that's how everyone saw him too.  

But, after a while, I began to see the good images.  I saw him as my Angel, guiding me and protecting me.  I saw him singing to me in the boat, and looking at me as if I were an angel.  I saw him try to fight the mob that was attacking me.  I saw him confessing his love for me in the meadow.  I saw him protecting me from Raoul.  I saw him taking care of me as I recovered from my broken ankle.  I saw him push me out of the way of an arrow.  But the bad images clouded my thoughts and made me want to puke.

He loved his music, I knew that.  But I didn't know the extent of his affections.  An extent that went past even me.  Could I live with that?  Always being secound best?  I wasn't sure if I could.

I had been pacing on the lake shore for about two hours now, thinking and crying.  Part of me hoped Erik would come riding to the lake and apologize for his mistake and tell me he would give up music all toether if that was what I wanted.  But he didn't.  So I simply laid on the shore and fell into a fitful sleep.  

***

"Christine.  Christine!"  I heard Erik's gentle, honey filled voice call to me.  I began to flutter my eyelashes and wake up to the pleasant sound.  My eyes opened and I searched for Erik's face, but found Meg's instead.  "Christine, I have been looking for you everywhere!"  She exclaimed, grabbing me by the arm roughly and pulling me up.  "Why are you out here?  What is the matter with you?"  She threw questions at me like bullets.  I shook my head to wake myself up.  "Where is Erik?"  I asked sleepily.  Meg sighed and grabbed my hand to walk me to the horse.  "He's in the music room."  She answered quietly.  

My face got red and the bad thoughts of Erik returned.  "Of course."  I muttered before mounting the horse.  "He didn't bother to look for me, even though I might be dead."  I complained to Meg.  She mounted her horse and nodded in agreement.  "Sometimes, I just want to break that piano."  She said.  My eyes flashed in wild, anger.  

When we finally arrived at the house, I stomped my way up the stairs and into the dark music room.  There he sat, his back toward me, banging on the piano keys.  It made an awful sound, but not the kind of sound from yesterday, just not a good song.  I stood behind him, fuming.  But, of course he did not notice me for he was too enveloped in his music.  "Erik."  I said simply.  He whirled around to face me, a mixture of surprise and anger on his face. "I wanted to inform you that I am alive, not that you cared."  I barked.  He gave me an evil, sarcastic smile and laughed.  "Well I am glad you are not dead."  He said in a mock happy tone.  I gritted my teeth and balled my fists.  

I whirled around to exit the room, but thought again and turned back around.  "You know, you have broken my heart by not loving me as I love you.  Maybe it is the last straw.  Maybe I will leave."  I threatened.  Erik's face became startled and a little scared, but only for a moment before he composed himself,  "You would not do that."  He growled.  I smiled.  "Oh yes, I would, my dear Phantom.  Say the word and I'll be gone."  Erik stood and walked over to me menacingly.  I held my ground and stared into his dark eyes boldly.  To my surprise, he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me to him.

I struggled to break free, but he held my to him.  I leaned back as far as I could go and stared at his eyes once more.  "I will not allow you to leave me."  He whispered darky.  I barked out a laugh and placed my hands on his chest to push him away, a futile attempt.  "Your love holds me here, if you no longer care for me at least have the decency to set me free."  I pleaded.  He placed a hand on my cheek.  "I am as trapped as you are."  He whispered.  I looked away from his dark, wild eyes.  But his hand forced me to look at him.  "We are bound together by a force that neither of us understand.  Our cages are welded together."  Erik said darky.  I sighed and gave up my struggle against him.  "We cannot escape each other, we cannot."  I whimpered.  The whimper became a cry, and the cry became a sob.

Against my will, Erik held me until I completly collapsed into his arms.  They were still weak from staying in bed, but he managed to hold me up as if I was a child.  He whispered my name and stroked my hair back from my face.  "I love you."  He whispered.  I shook my head wildly against his words.  "I love you."  He repeated it over and over again until i responded correctly.  "I love you too."  I sobbed, defeated.  He had sucked all the strength from me and my legs went out from underneath me.  Luckily Erik was there to catch me before darkness surrounded me.

***

I woke to the smell of fresh fruit and bacon.  My favorite.  I smiled with still closed eyes and stretched my arms wide.  Then I remembered the event of the day before.

My smile faded and my eyes bolted open.  Why was I in bed?  I didn't remember going to sleep.  Then I recalled fainting, and Erik catching me.  But where was Erik?  I looked around the room and found Erik sitting in the armchair, holding a tray of food.  "Good morning."  He greeted.  I stared at him, bewildered.  Did he really think that I was magically happy, and not angry with him?  "What are you doing?"  I asked.  He smiled and stood to hand me the tray. I didn't take it, instead I only stared.  He sighed.  "You need to eat."  He commanded gently.  

I stood up and stood before him, my mouth set in a straight line.  He set the tray on the table and looked back at me.  "This isn't over.  I am still mad."  I said.  His smile faded and he took a step closer to me.  He stared into my eyes coldly for a moment before suddenly grabbing my wrists and holding them tightly.  I struggled against him, but it was no use.  "Let me go!"  I commanded.  He ignored me and just continued to hold me there.  "Christine."  He whispered my name longingly.  I stopped fighting and stared at him coldly.  "Stop it."  I hissed.  

Erik sighed and shook his head.  "Not until you forgive me."  I finally pulled away from his demanding grasp and took several steps away.  My arms found the divan and I leaned on the back of it for support.  "I cannot forgive you!"  I yelled. He looked taken aback at my volume.  "I cannot forgive you because there is something you have not said."  My voice got softer, but my anger did not.  "Anything, just tell me what to say, and I will say it!"  he pleaded.  I smiled and shook my head.  "You cannot simply say it.  You have to mean it, so I cannot tell you what to say."  

Erik grunted to himself and began to think.  "If you must think of it, you must not really care!"  I shouted, breaking his thinking pose.  He strode over me and got as close as he could without touching me.  "I hate you.  I hate you for making me love you."  I growled.  He didn't respond.  "You're dark and twisted, and I hate you.  But I cannot do anything about it because I can't leave.  I can't leave!"  I cried.  But still, he didn't respond.  My hands found his chest and I grasped onto it.  "Your love holds me here.  Let me go!  I hate you!  I hate you!"  I cried, tears flowed down my face.  Erik's features finally moved, but they became sad.  I wanted to hurt him, like he hurt me, so I continued.  

"You and your hypnotic music made me love you.  If it wasn't for that......I......"  I didn't finish that sentence but moved on to a next one.  "You scare me.  Your passion, your love, your music, it scares me.  I should not be afraid of my husband!  But I am!"  I shouted, my hands hitting his chest.  But he did not budge.  With all the strength I had in me, I mustered one last sentence.  "Damn you to hell!"  And with that I was thrown to the floor, and landed in a heap.  Through my tears I saw Erik lean against the wall and begin to shake with sobs.

Remorse began to creep through my veins, but I pushed it back.  He had pushed me!  Like that night long ago when I removed his mask.  But, in a way, I deserved it.  I told him these horrible things!  But they were all true, every one.  I began to sob uncontrollably, muttering the words "I hate you"  until they became "I love you"  Over and over.  Erik stayed where he was, crying into his arm on the wall.  When my tears ceased, and his did not, I began to regret my choice of words.  "Angel."  I whispered.  When he did not answer, I began to crawl towards him.  Each step closer I got, the more bad I felt.  I reached him, and slowly and shakly reached my hand out to touch his leg.  The moment we touched, he whirled around to face me.  

I flinched away from his angry face.  "Are you sorry?"  He barked.  I nodded and grabbed onto his pant leg.  "Yes, I am sorry."  I whispered.  His angry face remained, but he sunk down beside me.  "I hate you too."  he whispered.  I took his hand in mine and kissed it.  "Just say it, and I can forgive you."  I pleaded softly.  He sighed and lifted my chin with his hand.  "I love you more than I have ever loved music."  he whispred.  I smiled broadly before he brought his lips to mine and we made up without words.  

We pulled away and he cupped my face in his hand.  "I hate you."  I whispered before diving in for another kiss.