Darcy's diary [ h.s. updating ]

8.

"He's your baby brother, Soph..."

My vision blurs as I try to keep myself from crying. I'm just lost. Who's Ivan? Why on earth did he suddenly decide to show up when Mom left? And why on earth do I feel like I'm going to blame him for Mom's death?

Uncle Louis and my father shut the doors of the Range Rover behind them. I cross my arms over my chest while Dad picks me up. We enter the hospital and Uncle Lou talks to the lady at the front desk. I cannot really understand much of what they are saying but I know this is not going to turn out fine.

"Okay, just head down two corridors and turn right" a lady wearing all white tells us. Daddy places me down on the floor and takes my hand. Uncle Lou and Aunt El follow right after us.

We reach the room labeled nursery and the moment we enter lots of babies are crying. I grab onto Dad's hand tighter and he gives it a light squeeze.

"We're looking for my son? Ivan William Styles?" My father tells the nurse standing by the door. Son?

She smiles and leads us to a crib like what all the babies are in. He picks me up carefully and I take a glimpse of a baby lying down on a blue blanket wearing all white - shoes, hat, clothes, and what are they called? Mittens? Yeah, mittens.

"Who's that?" I ask my father and hug his neck.

"Your baby brother..." He smiles.

"Oh.."

He nods. 

"His name is Ivan" he tells me before giving me to Uncle Louis.

"Hey love!" He says cheerily and kisses my nose. I laugh and kiss his cheek.

"Hi there, Uncle Lou" I smile.

When I take a glance back at my father, he and Auntie Eleanor are looking at the baby and dad carefully picks him up. The nurse keeps telling them about when to feed it and stuff. I pout as I see daddy kissing it.

What about me? And I miss Mom.

"Daddy, Put me down now!" I scream as my father carries me over his shoulder and jogs up the stairs. Mom following behind us. Her tummy is kinda big unlike before. We just finished watching the Little Mermaid. I love watching movies with my Mommy and Daddy.

"It's time for bed, bug!" He chuckles.

"I don't wanna sleep yet" I pout. 

"Mommy, help me?" I ask her and she smiles.

"I can't baby. You need to go sleep" she coos and kisses my nose.

We reach the bedroom and Daddy places me on my bed. He sits down next to me and Mom sits down on the edge beside him. I'm already in my pajamas so I don't need to change anymore.

"Good night baby" Mom tells me as she strokes my hair slowly.

"We love you, princess" Daddy tells me.

"I thought I was the queen?" I smile.

"I'm the king. Mommy's the queen. You're the princess" he smiles and kisses my forehead.

"Okay!" I laugh.

"Will I always be your princess?" I ask Mom and Dad.

"Of course baby..." Mom smiles and hugs me.

"You'll always be our princess" Daddy adds up and embraces the two of us.

Now I'm here in Uncle Louis' arms feeling like I'm not daddy's princess anymore.

♡

I never understood the idea of death. I guess that's one of the perks of being a seven - year old kid. But the funny thing is that it breaks you apart when it comes unexpectedly.

We finally park in front of the church. The entire car ride was silent since everyone almost thought I wasn't there. They kept cooing "Awws" and "He's so cute!". 

It made my stomach churn and I felt like throwing up. Disgusting. How could they be so happy when the little guy came when Mom left?

"Daddy, why are we at church?" I ask my father who has his eyes on Ivan again after only taking a second to look at me.

"Because" He looks distracted.

"Because what?" I snap him back to reality.

"It's your mom's funeral today" he sighs and turns back to Uncle Louis before unbuckling his seat belt.

Oh.

♡

When you're just as young as me and see the woman you grew up with the most in a box or what they call a 'coffin', you just don't know what to feel anymore. At all. It's like your heart is torn apart and your eyes hurt and you feel so, so alone. It's like you want to break the glass stopping you from embracing her but you can't. I tried it of course until Uncle Z stopped me.

My father drags me over to Mom's coffin while Uncle Lou has Ivan in his arms. He picks me up and kisses my cheeks already wet with tears.

We both look down at my Mom.

Her clothes had been changed. She's now wearing a very pretty white dress with a crown of white flowers on her head. Just like what I saw in my dream. She's holding three roses as well.

"Daddy?" I look up to my father and he smiles weakly.

"Yes, bug?" He asks me.

"What do the roses mean?"

"You see that big red one in the middle?"

I nod my head.

"That's a rose which represents me. Sort of like the Daddy rose" he chuckles.

I nod my head and he points to a white small rose and a really small red rose.

"The white one is me, right?" I ask him.

He nods. "The smallest red rose is Ivan" he says and kisses my head.

"Daddy, do you love me?"

"Of course. You'll always be our princess" He says and smiles weakly while looking between me and Mom.