Only Time Can Tell

HOLE

CHAPTER 9

HOLE

SAI

The only images that were coherent was the moments right before I collapsed. I was with Shikadai and my son, Inojin has always been such a worrier. I was trying to convince him that Naruto would be fine, he's survived much more terrifying things than this. Just when I was starting to get through with him, I felt a sudden immense weight, like a cold dead weight, fall into the pit of my stomach. My vision turned blurry. That was when the images started to lose their color.

Inojin was leaning over me, holding my hand, tears in his eyes. There was so much pain it like I couldn't really feel it. It was this phantom pain, like I had felt this before, like deja vu.

"PAPA!!!" I heard Inojin scream as my eyes closed involuntarily. It was scaring me just to see my son like that. Normally, he's a strong shinobi, sure he's drawing skills are exactly up to par, but he has all of the values of an excellent shinobi. Knowing that, seeing him this terrified...

Images started to fly through my hemorrhaging mind. None of it made any sense. I kept seeing old memories. All the way back to my Anbu training. I could see myself, flying around, trying to impress Lord Danzo, then I missed the tree limb, and fell, and not so gracefully either. I landed on my feet, which was a bad idea, since I broke my right ankle. That moment, when I landed, I could feel it, the feeling of my bones shattering, like it was happening all over again. I felt like my knees should buckle. I was in the memory.

The scene shifted. It was a few years after that incident, when I saw a memory that brought an incredibly cold feeling into my heart. Shin was standing in front of me, his face more complete than when I normally remember him. He was turned away from me, on his hands and knees, blood dripping from his mouth.

"I'm sick." He said, still coughing up blood.

"We must get you treated." I insisted.

"It's useless. I've already looked into my illness." Shin struggled. "It's incurable."

"That's...!" I felt my heart fill with despair as I watched again, my best friend, my partner, my brother suffer.

"Lord Danzo doesn't know about this." Shin paused. "Report to him that you dealt with me."

"I can't..." I couldn't imagine him dying, let alone me being responsible for killing him. I couldn't believe what was happening. My brother...

"I knew all along the final test of the Foundation...is to kill a comrade." Shin said, his eyes narrowing.

"Huh?!"

"So I didn't tell you I was sick until this day." Shin said looking down at his bloodstained shaking hands. "I tried to live with this secret. So that I could lose to you in a swordfight." Shin clenched his shaking fists. "However, I don't even have enough strength to pull that off."

"Brother, I also knew that I would have to fight!" I said my voice shaking. "But I never expected it to be you..."

"Is that so?" Shin said breathing unsteadily. "You must kill your emotions." Shin said turning to me. "Otherwise, duty will destroy you." He turned away again, refusing to meet my eyes. "Now go...And live my share too."

"Brother..." I felt the cold weight in my stomach grow even more, as Shin's breathing became more and more uneven.

"I'm still capable of ending my own life." Shin said glancing to his kunai. It was those cold terrible words that made my tears finally spill over. It was like that kunai was slowly twisting in my gut. I could feel it. The pain of death twist deep in my heart. Like a cold hand had wrapped it's way around my heart and was now slowly squeezing the life out of it.

"Go!" Shin said pushing me away, blood still dripping from his mouth. His arm was weak but it still was able to shove me away from him in my stunned state. Shin breathed heavily from the effort. His strength was gone. The strong dependable brother that I once knew...the one that always challenged me with my kunai skills, almost made me strive to be a better ninja...that man was gone. Still, I shook my head slowly, unable to imagine leaving my only friend behind. I couldn't abandon him.

"Don't cry!" Shin said coughing again. "Didn't I tell you to kill your emotions?!" His words shook deep within my chest.

"I understand." I said softly. I stood slowly, picking myself up, my tears disappearing. I turned to leave. My emotions grew still. Shin coughed one last time before collapsing, his arms no longer capable of holding himself up.

"I just wish..." Shin said to himself as I left. "I could have seen...your finished drawing..."

The numb pain in my heart, the throbbing of my broken ankle, it carried on as the scene changed rapidly, through less significant moments. Punches I had received from battles, random injuries, etc. But none were more prominent than the pain in my chest from Shin.

He told me to kill my emotions. It was because of what he said that made me survive as an Anbu. If I had remained as I was, soft, then I would have been killed because I was unable to complete my duty because of my mistaken emotions. Humanity called for feeling, but the Anbu did not. I lived as a shell, I had forgotten how to smile.

The pain of the absence of happiness, even sadness, any form of emotion in my life, it left what felt like a gaping hole in my chest. Where my heart should be. And though Shin's words saved my life as an Anbu, it was Naruto who made me human again. And there is nothing more wonderful than being human. Killing your emotions, hurt more than any battle that I had ever experienced. But the minute that hole was filled, the relief was immense.

But no matter how far forward we went in my memories...it just kept skipping over all of the happiness. It went forward, beyond when I met Naruto and Team 7, like I had never left the Anbu, the pain of my dead feeling remained. Along with the broken ankles, scars, and bruises. Broken bones were everywhere in my body. And the further and further I went, the more and more I just wanted it to end. I wanted to die. The pain was shaking me apart from my core. Ripping me apart from that hole in my chest.

But then amongst all that cold and pain, I felt warmth. Resting on my chest, bringing me back to life. I began to feel my wounds disappear. The ankle was mended. The scars faded, the bruises disappeared, and lastly, the hole over my heart, thawed and filled. Darkness overwhelmed my vision, and I felt solid. I felt like I was coherent again. I was real.

Slowly I opened my eyes, blinking away the bright light of life. The warmth on my chest remained. I blinked again. Inojin was resting on my chest.

"PAPA!" He cried, throwing his arms around me. The warmth spread all around and then I could move. I threw my arms around him, and felt myself crying. I'm alive. And I'm human, not like the monster the Anbu Black Ops trained me to be, I can feel.

"Inojin." I said, pressing my face into him, tears continuing to fall.

"Oh papa," Inojin cried. "I thought you wouldn't wake up!" Inojin sobbed. "You made me worry so much!"

"You're crying." I said crying back. "It's good to cry," I said sobbing. "I love you so much, Inojin."

"I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you..." Inojin said pressing his face into my shoulder, repeating over and over again, muffled into my flesh.

I will never let my emotions die again, not when I can feel the joy of my family.