Only Time Can Tell

DEEPER WOUNDS

FILLER 16

DEEPER WOUNDS

INOJIN YAMANAKA

I heard my mom wandering around downstairs again. The only thing that bothered me about that was she was walking around at 3 in the morning. Slowly I drug myself out of bed and left my room stepping lightly down the stairs to check on her. She hadn't seen me yet. I watched her from on the stairs as she paced in circles, a hand clamped over her mouth, tears streaming down her face. I've seen her cry many times now, it's almost normal. Every time it hurts to see, but it rare to see her wake up like this. The doctors had given her sleeping pills to help her sleep. I don't think she took any last night.

She was muttering things to herself, occasionally wiping tears away only for more to take their place. I took another step down the stairs. "Mom." I said softly. Her entire body jumped at the sound of my voice. She met my eyes slowly.

"Oh honey, what are you doing up?" She said turning her face away from me to hide her tears. She doesn't get it. I've seen all of her tears. There is no point in hiding them from me anymore.

"I heard you."

"Oh, I'm sorry. You can go back to bed, can't you?" She said trying to make her voice sound light. It only made her voice sound more hollow.

"You're thinking about papa again, aren't you?"

Her shoulders shook and she turned away from me. Her arms wrapped around her own shoulders, as if she was desperately trying to hold herself together physically. "What did his face look like? What did his face look like when he died?" She murmured. The sounds of her quiet sobs continued. "Surely he was beautiful. Did he smile? Or was his life torn away from him? Did he cry?"

"Mom..." I made it down the rest of the stairs. "Stop pacing." I touched her shoulder and her body jumped. I felt my heart pang with the realization that it had been so long since she had been touched by another person.

"Inojin..."

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry."

"I know." I let my head rest on her shoulder blades. "I'm sorry too." I said muffled by her warmth. "Lay down." I touched her shoulder and held onto her, leading her to the couch. I helped her down, her body weak and shaking like a doll's. I sat down next to her and she let her head fall into my lap. I stroked her hair, pulling it away from her eyes, letting her cry freely. "It's okay."

There was a long silence as I let her sob. She doesn't look the way she used too. Her gorgeous eyes had turned dark, glazed over, dark bags under her eyes tarnishing her face. Her entire body looked like it had been sucked of life. I had trouble forcing her to eat anything. "Inojin," She said softly. "There are so many of his paintings here. They're everywhere. Can you hide them from me?"

"Huh?"

"Inojin, I can't look at them anymore. I can't see him anymore. I'll tear them down. I don't want to break something so beautiful. I was going to destroy them." Her hand reached up to mine and held on tight, her fingers shaking but her grip strong on my hand. "Please keep them safe."

"Why would you destroy them?" I say horrified by her proposal. Was that really why she was up in the middle of the night?

"He did it on purpose. He died. I wasn't enough. I didn't give him a reason to stay. He made all of those paintings for me, but not a single one...he never loved me."

"Mom." I grabbed her wrist, unfolding her fingers from the tight fist she had formed. She was growing spiteful, restless, angry more and more often lately. "Dad loved you." I said firmly. "He loved you so much that he died for you."

"He didn't die for me! He died for Neji!" I took a deep breathe swallowing down my beating heart.

"He loved you so much, you showed him how happy a man could be, it was because of that immense happiness that he wanted to share it with a man who had been robbed of it." My voice cracked. "He never wanted to abandon us, he couldn't stand to watch another man die. He loved you so much."

My mother fell silent. Then her hand loosened around mine and her breaths turned light. She was sleeping now. I felt myself breaking in the silence. Bitterness overtook my heart, and my I felt my fists clenching on my chest. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Inojin.

GO AWAY

Oh come on, you're going to be late for school. You don't want your mother to come in here, don't you? His voice, it never leaves me. Something that I'm grateful for, but also something that I want to rip out of my skull with my bare hands.

LEAVE ME ALONE

That's no way to be. Come on. I love you, now get your butt out of bed. Or I'll leave a ninjutsu under your bed.

GET AWAY FROM ME

That's something I could never do. His voice changes. You're doing a good job taking care of your mother. I'm proud of you. Inojin, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for everything I ever did to make you cry, I'm sorry for turning your heart into what it is.

Please. I beg him. Please, just leave me alone.

You're my son. I am a part of you, and I will never leave you. I never left.

Now it's me sitting in the living room. My mother sleeping for the first time in weeks, her tortured soul curled up on my lap. My dad's ghost lingering in the air. My lips are trembling with his words, tears falling emotionless to decorate the couch material. My heart pounds in my chest like the hollow tolling of a tired grandfather clock. I feel myself fall apart again, the pieces shattering everywhere. That may be true father, but can time truly heal wounds?