Last Hope (Kellin Quinn) {Book 3}

9. exact

Exact

Song: Torn by Natalie Imbruglia

Illusion never changed into something real…

~Summer~

After spending time in California, finally working with my friends on music, something we haven't done in a long time, I went back to Oregon and did as I was told. I went to see the doctor a week ago. I gave blood, a urine sample, and did the normal routine for a checkup. Even then the lump on my upper back didn't worry me. It only started to worry me last evening, when I got a call to come into the doctor's office today. I drove slowly to the office, my hands shaking and my heart pounding. If they had to call me into the doctor's office instead of just telling me on the phone if I'm okay or not I'm guessing I'm not. And that scares the shit out of me.

I pulled into the parking lot thinking about everyone in my life. What would they do if I was sick? Would they help me get better or leave me be? I know that if Blu or Hailee or Des were sick I'd be by their side twenty-four seven. If one of my girls were sick I wouldn't leave the hospital, not for anything. If Sierra, Kellin, or my mom were sick… gosh, I don't know what I'd do. But I know I'd support them and be there to help them.  

Maybe that's what scares me the most; finding out who actually cares and who doesn't. I've spent most of my life growing up around at least half of the people in my life, so I'm sure it'd hurt like hell to know that they don't care enough to stick with me. Or what if Kellin, Jesse, Gabe, Justin, or Jack didn't care? I've become pretty close with them since 2012. Or one of my friends from Pierce The Veil? Crown The Empire? Of Mice & Men? All Time Low? What if? I don't want to lose any of the friends I've made along the way to something I can't control. 

Too bad.

God, shut up! I'm not going to listen to You, whatever you are. 

You know what I am… it starts with a C. And I know what you are…

Yeah, fucking crazy. I'm arguing with voices in my head. 

Hey, only one voice!

Stop it, You. I don't know what's going to happen and neither do you. 

Oh, but I do.

"Shut up!" I yelled… at no one. No one could hear me. I was the only one in my car, the only person in the entire parking lot. There were just a bunch of empty cars, nobody in them to listen to me scream to myself. 

I shook my head and got out of my car, ignoring the constant shouts from You. Or should I say Me, considering it’s a voice inside my own head. 

I got out of my car and trudged into the office. The receptionist gave me a clipboard with a paper to fill out and told me to sit in the waiting room. The paper asked for personal information (like my name), any history of illnesses, and whatever current medicine I'm taking. Once I filled it out I gave the sheet to the receptionist. I waited for about seven minutes before a nurse called me into Dr. Minyard's room. The nurse, Zoe, a light-skinned redhead, recorded my temperature, height, and weight. 

"Whoa," she said, "ninety-seven pounds. That isn't healthy." Then she left. It was about five minutes before the doctor came in, a serious look on her face. 

Dr. Minyard is a Hispanic woman in her early forties. From what I know, which isn't much considering if only seen her once or twice before, is that she is really sweet. She's apparently one of the best doctors around. She is persistent, hard working, and intelligent. Plus she's a mother, so we can bond on that subject. 

"Good morning, Summer."

"Morning Doc. How are you?" I asked. 

She rolled her eyes. "Stressed. On of my children is graduating high school soon while two are graduating eighth grade. We've been registering for high school and picking out colleges. What about you? How are your children… twins, correct?" 

"Yeah, and they're fine. They're with their father in Michigan right now, but soon enough he's going on tour so I'll have them back," I told her. 

She sat down at her desk as I sat on the stiff patient's bed, as she calls it. "So, you have a normal temperature, you're five feet and three and a half inches, and underweight. How have your eating habits been lately? I know you have a history with anorexia. I need to know if you are still struggling with it or if it's something else."

Something else?

I shrugged. “I'm pretty sure my eating is normal. I'm not dealing with an eating disorder and haven't for a long time, so it could be-"

"Something else. So, last week we had you come and take some tests, like the blood test or the urine test. It's incredible what we found, really. Did you know you have a rare blood type?" I shook my head no. "Well, you do. I'm hoping one of your family members has the same blood type just in case."

"Just in case what?" I asked. 

"Incase you need a blood transplant or something else like that."

"Why would I need that?"

"Listen Summer-"

"Just tell me!" I spoke loudly, even though I only wanted to whisper. 

"I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have cancer. Leukemia to be exact." 

There, she said it. She said the words I feared most and more. I wasn't expecting the word "leukemia" to come out of her mouth. In fact I wasn't expecting cancer. I feared it more than anything, but I was expecting some other type of illness. I just can't believe I have… 

Told you so!

I ignored You, which is now officially the name for the voice in my head, and quietly spoke. "L… leukemia?" I trembled, tears threatening to escape my eyes and roll down my cheeks. 

"Yes. Leukemia is a cancer in the blood, often deadly. Now with someone your age, which is thirty, right?"

"Twenty-nine," I gasped. "I'm twenty-nine."

She sighed, looking down at her papers. "Summer, I'm sorry but you have very little chance of surviving. But, we plan to do everything we can to keep you alive as long as possible."

I shook my head. "No…"

"I'm sorry…"

"No!" I clenched my fists and gritted my teeth together. My eyes were glued to my knees. They had some of my hair resting on them since my back was arched. Soon enough my hair will be gone, just like the rest of me. Soon enough I'll be gone. 

"No! That's not fair! I have children, a boyfriend, my twins' father, my sister, my mom, my friends, my new band! I have so many people who I can't do this too. All my family, fans, friends… and it's not fair!" I sobbed. 

Dr. Minyard stood up and didn't hesitate to bring me into a hug. I cried into her shoulder while my fingernails dug into my palms. Once we pulled away I wiped my nose with my coat sleeve. "So I have very little chance of living?" I asked. She nodded. At least I still have a chance, even if it's most likely nonexistent. "And I can't perform anymore?" I can't imagine a life for me without the stage. Then again I can't imagine a life for me inside hospital walls as I slowly await my death. 

"We need to get you into the hospital as soon as we can so we can start treatment," she said. 

"Okay."

"Okay?" 

I gulped. "Okay…"

----

I didn't feel like driving home, and I certainly didn't feel like calling Destery. I didn't want to tell him first. I ended up calling Aurora. I told her that we could get my car tomorrow when she protested. I told her I needed to talk to her. I told her it was important.

She picked me up twenty minutes after I called. I waited in my car, deciding whether to send a mass text to my family and band mates to get telling them over with. I decided not to because this is something I need to tell them face to face. I'll be "moving into" the hospital in a week at the most, so I'll probably just FaceTime everyone and tell them. As for fans, I'll probably make a video and post it to YouTube. 

By the time I got into Rah's car I was once again crying. She kept asking what happened, what the doctor said, if I was okay, and stuff like that. I told her no. I told her nothing was okay, that life isn't fair, that nothing’s fine, that I’m torn, and that I'm leaving my children. That only made her more confused. I didn't know how to tell her, so I unbuckled my seatbelt at a red light, turned my back to her, and lifted my shirt up to show my lump. She gasped. 

"What… is that?" The light turned green. I put my shirt back down and buckled myself again. We drove off.

"It's- I have, umm. I have," I breathed out, "cancer. Leukemia to be exact."

She chuckled. "No you don't. Don't mess with me like that." I knew she was only chuckling because she didn't want to believe it. I didn't either. 

"I wish I was joking with you, honest. I wish I was playing some sick joke, b-but I'm not."

"Oh sweetie," mumbled Rah. She pulled to the side of the rode and parked. Like Dr. Minyard, she took me into her arms and just hugged me, because there's honestly nothing else you can do when someone tells you that they are dying. You can't cure them with the power of love or wait patiently for God to save them. You can't tell them anything to make them feel better. I know that there is nothing anyone can tell me to make me feel better. 

"I do-don't want t-t-to leave my babies!" I wailed. "I love them more than life! I l-love Della, an-nd Allix-x, and Scarlett, and I-I can't leave-ve them-m!"

"Shh… I know. I know. Just breathe right now."

She rubbed my back, purposely skipping my lump. She took the news exactly like I thought she would, and it was painful to witness. I don't want to see my mom's face when I tell her. Or Kellin's face. Or my babies faces when I tell them that their mommy has to go away for awhile. It'll be too much. 

I just got my band mates back. Kellin and I are just starting to get back on track. Della and Allix are just starting to walk around and speak. I'm leaving just when things are getting good. I won't get to see my daughters grow. I won't get to have another baby, a son. I won't get to perform again. No more meet-and-greets, no more concerts, no more pictures with fans. No more living, basically. 

I'm hurting the ones I love and I can't even help it. I'm a monster and I can't even control it. Like John Green put it, cancer patients are side effects. In my eyes I'm a side effect with no choice, no battle, and no hope left. There's nothing left to hope for, no hope at all, if I have to leave my daughters, the people I love most, due to something I have no control over. I never thought I wouldn't be able to control my life. Now I know for sure that I'm not going to be able to at all. At least until the day I die cancer, leukemia to be exact, will run my life and I have no say in it.

A/N: Hey guys! 1. The conversation with Summer and the doctor is actually based on a true conversation. 2. No poem in the chapter, I know. 3. Remember how I was talking about tattoos in the last chapter? Well the picture on the side is of the basics for what I'm getting. The anchor and arrow will be different. Anyway, I hope you all love this chapter. I know I do. Ten comments please. I love you all. 

~Catt