Last Hope (Kellin Quinn) {Book 3}

10. daughters

Daughters

Song: Over You (covered) by Cassadee Pope

I think of you, and I'm not afraid…

~Summer~

Telling my loved ones was the most heart wrenching thing yet. I FaceTimed my band mates, Steve, and Trent. They were all at the studio hanging out. 

"I've been diagnosed with cancer," I blurted. They gasped. I sobbed. Steve spoke. 

"No…" 

"Remember the lump on my back?" 

"I didn't think…"

"No one did. It's okay."

And my mom…

Her eyes wouldn't open. I begged her to let me see her eyes. "Please Mom."

"I just can't believe this! My own daughter!" Violent tears ran down her cheeks and I couldn't do anything about it. No, not because we were FaceTiming from two different states. Because there was honestly nothing to do to help her. She's already believed that she lost me.

And Des was the worst so far. He sobbed, just like everyone else. And he drank to forget. And he sobbed some more because God really isn't fucking fair. And then he held me because he truly does care for me. And I truly care for him. 

That's why I had Kellin fly in with the girls. All three girls. I'm moving into the hospital in two days so I need to tell him and the girls. This is actually Beth's time with Scar, but I had told her about my diagnoses and she understands completely. 

I need to break all romantic things off with Kellin. This isn't right, especially since I love Destery. I love Kellin too, but I'm with Des and I think… I think that's the way I want it too stay. 

Kellin, Della, Allix, and Scarlett are all staying with me. I'm telling them as soon as possible, or else it'll look a little weird that I'm packing a backpack to move into a hospital room for awhile. Kellin put the girls to bed and soon joined me in the living room. In my hands there was my father's wedding ring. I've had it since River left. 

"You okay?" he asked as he sat down next to me. We both wore our pajamas, mine being shorts and a thin long sleeved shirt and his being plaid pajama pants and a regular white shirt. 

I bit my lip. "No. No I'm not."

"What's wrong?" He leaned in closely and took my right hand in his. I set the ring on the coffee table. 

"I don't want to tell them, Kellin. I don't want to. I don't want to leave you, or Scarlett, or Allix, or Della because I love you all so much, but I have to. I have no choice. I fucking have to!" I've cried so much these past few days, it's crazy that I still have anymore tears to let out. 

"What do you mean?" Kellin asked. His voice sounded panicky, like he knew what was coming up. 

I sighed before saying, "We need to stop this. We can't do this anymore. I can't."

I expected him to plead and beg with me because I know how he feels, but all he said was, "Okay," and moved away from me. He let go of my hand, which brought me to digging my nails into my palms. 

I looked up at him. I knew he could see my glossy eyes. The TV provided light, he could see my eyes very well because of it. "I love you so much. And the girls. With all of my heart. I just…"

I broke down. I don't want to die. I'm afraid to leave my girls. I don't even want to think about it. I can't help it though; I think about it all the time. I don't want Della and Allix to grow up without their mom. I had to grow up without my father and brother. It was living hell. I can't put my angels through that shit. But I have no choice over what's going to happen! That fucking hurts. 

"I have cancer," I mumbled. 

He frowned. "Summer, don't say that. You are shitting me. Don't you dare say that."

I chuckled. "I'm sorry Kellin." The smile on my face as tears dropped off from my lips gave it away that I wasn't lying. 

He slowly came to realization. "That's why… why you wanted the girls and I to come. Summer… you-"

"I have leukemia, Kellin. And not much of a chance for surviving. I'm telling the girls tomorrow… that I'm not going to be around anymore."

My palms started to bleed from my fingernails ripping open the skin. I didn't care. I wiped the blood on my shorts while Kellin crawled over to my. He pressed a kiss to my forehead and as he did that I felt a tear of his own fall. 

"No…"

I nodded in defeat. "I love my daughters more than anyone will ever know. I hate this."

"Shh…"

We hugged as I whispered, "I don't want to go. I don't want to leave my family, friends, band, fans, everyone. I wasn't born to die like this, Kellin! I don't want to leave, I don't want to leave, I don't want to leave, I don't want to leave… I don't want to go."

And he said nothing, because like I said before you can't say, or do, anything to make the situation better. We're stuck like this, in a situation where for once we can't make each other better.

----

Kellin slept on the couch that night. He said he was too tired to move and when I invited him to sleep in my bed he told me, "No. You're right. We need to stop this. You have Des, and I just got out of a relationship. We should just be friends. Best friends." He had told me that while sobbing. 

I stayed up all night thinking. I won't get to watch my kids grow up, I won't get to play any concerts with my friends as Fall Into Eternity, and I won't ever get to marry ever again. That is, if anyone ever wants to marry me. 

My daughters are going to someday start elementary school. Than middle school will come around, which will bring all the drama with school dances, boys, etc. They'll graduate eighth grade and head on to high school. There they may have a rebellious stage. Maybe they'll get tattoos, maybe they'll get piercings. After they graduate high school, who knows what they'll do? They could go to college, join the military force, follow in their father's footsteps and become a musician. Or an actor. Or a writer. No one knows right now, but I know that I'll never get to know. I'll never see them get ready for a date, a dance, or prom. I'll never see them graduate any grade and go off to the next one. I'm not going to be alive to see my daughters do anything, and I think that's something that not only kills me but Kellin as well.

When I woke up I trudged into the living room. Kellin was still laying on the couch, covered by a plaid blanket, but three girls sat on top of him. Della, Allix, and Scarlett were all concentrated on the cartoon Kellin had put on for them. I looked at the time, it was only seven in the morning. No wonder Kellin looked so tired. He probably didn't get a lot of sleep last night. I know I didn't. 

The girls greeted me with smiles and giggles. "Mommy!" Allix yelled. Della laughed even more. Scar laid down, her head on her daddy's chest and her feet almost touching Allix's leg. Allix had been in the middle of the girls. 

Kellin gave me a sad wave with his free hand, the one that didn't rub Scarlett's back. The wave matched his sad expression. "Morning…"

I sighed and joined everybody on the couch. I thought about how I'm going to have to tell my daughters about my fate. The worst part is that they aren't going to know what I'm talking about. They will not only grow up without me, but without the memory of me also. I feel terrible for them; they won't get to ever remember me. 

I turned to Kellin, nodded towards the girls, and then inhaled deeply. "Del, Allix, Scar, I need to tell you girls something…"

All the suicidal kids
with their cuts and pills
no matter how hard they try
they just can't get it right
because they were born
to live

And all the cancerous kids
with all their smiles and scars
no matter how hard they try
they just can't get it right
because they were born
to die

~mk

I exhaled, letting a tear escape. 

"I'm sorry babies… so so so sorry."

I'm sorry Della, Allixandria, Scarlett… I'm sorry that I wasn't born to live. 

Kellin choked on a sob before finishing for me. "Mommy… she isn't going to be around too much anymore."

And those words had done it. They killed me more than any other words have. And the fact that it's the truth… I was born to die and that's why I'm leaving my daughters… that's real shitty. 

A/N: Hey guys. I hope you liked this chapter. Ten comments please. Thank you. Love you all. 

~Catt