July 11, 2013
Journal,
We went through the barn and its surrounding area today, looking for how the puker got in. The only thing we can figure is it just happened past when Jayda went in to make lunch.
The whole back area of the property was open while she was in there. Boyd and I were working up front (we hadn't yet started fortifying the back) and the girls were in the pastures gardening, there was no way we would have seen it by the barn.
"What was she thinking?" I started, my hands pulling at my hair. "Why would she have gone out, at night, by herself?"
"Bruce," Carrie said, voice low, "keep it down, Jayda is finally asleep and she already blames herself. She doesn't need to wake up to this."
I stopped my ranting and put my head down on the kitchen table. Kara crossed the kitchen and sat beside me, rubbing soothing circles across my back.
"Why? Why would she blame herself?" I wondered aloud.
"Because she didn't notice quickly enough that Connie was taking so long. She let her go out alone to get the extra propane for the stove and then she didn't tell us right away that Connie was missing." Bre listed off, tears in her eyes.
"She was right in not telling us so quickly. We were drinking and it wouldn't have fared well to have us all tripping over our own feet in the barn with a puker." I argued. "I'm glad you got up to check on Oliver otherwise we may have lost Jayda too."
"I'm glad she told me first." Bre said. "You would have blown up at her if you hadn't had the night to think it over."
"Probably."
Bre pushed herself back from the table and stood, Carrie followed suit.
"We're going to go check the horses and gardens." She announced. "Why don't you guys get Boyd and start on those pitfalls for the back?"
It was a good idea and I nodded in agreement. Kara and I found Boyd back by Connie's grave, saying a silent prayer to whatever god was left out there. He finished just as we sat beside him.
"Do you ever feel like it's all for naught?" He asked. "All this death, this pain. All the fighting yet we never get ahead? Not really."
"I don't think it's all for naught." Kara said slowly. "We're still living, we're still here. It may be a hard, sad life but that just makes you appreciate the happy moments even more."
"We can get through this." I told him. "We've come this far, who's to say we won't get to the finish line?"
"Tell me about the snow, about your going north idea." Kara said, nodding her head toward the house.
I took it as my cue to leave and stood up. I could hear her voice fading as I walked away.
"I've never been to the snow before. Would you teach me how to make a snowman?" Boyd's answering chuckle warmed my heart, I know he'll be okay. With Kara's sweet and still innocent mind, he'll see. He'll know that's exactly the kind of thing we're fighting for.
With Boyd's mind elsewhere and Kara trying to soothe him, I went in search of someone else to help me with the pitfalls. It's too bad Sebastian is still with Robert but in a way I guess it's best for him. He won't know about Connie. They were growing so close and I'd hate to see him heartbroken.
I could see Bre and Carrie working in the garden but Oliver was nowhere in sight. He must be inside and if he's inside that means Jayda is up. Bre won't leave him on his own, no matter how big he got.
