Dreams Only Last For A Night - (Jalex)

Chapter 19 - "Guts"

I stayed up in Jenny's room for the remainder of the party. She would come up every couple of minutes to see if I needed anything. The last time she came up, she asked me if I was okay and I don't know why, but I told her the truth. I wasn't okay.

I felt horrible, because the man I love might actually love me back, and I just basically played with his emotions without even realizing it. I felt like a total asshole and all I wanted to do was die.

I also told her how I really felt about Alex, from secretly admiring the way Alex's ass looked in my favorite jeans of his as he walked down the hall, to all the inappropriate dreams I had about him every night.

I knew she would never understand, and she made that clear to me when she asked why I didn't just tell him how I felt from the beginning. But I set the record straight when I told her how much Alex and I's friendship meant to me and how I didn't wanna risk it.

She tried convincing me to take her car and go after him; have him magically fall into my arms and we live happily ever after, but let's face it, it's not that easy. Alex is stubborn as hell and plus he's with Stella, probably fucking each other into Alex's mattress as we speak.

I almost convinced myself that I should at least call him, but that idea it's self sounds just as bad. It's not that I don't wanna tell Alex how I feel, it's just that I have no fucking clue how to even do it, how to say it, or where I'd even begin without having him run away.

I know one day I'll have to tell him, whether it'd be today or tomorrow or 10 years from now. I'm going to have to tell him, or I'll always have this ache in my chest and this emptiness inside me that will never go away, if I don't.

I felt like everything I thought I knew was just pulled out from under me the day that I found out I had feelings for Alex. It was confusing and scary, I had no one to turn to, no one to tell me it's going to be okay, I was completely alone.

The worse part of it all though was when I was being all confused and scared, I lost the only other person that I've ever loved.

She was my everything. I planned on forever with this girl, she had my heart before Alex stole it. We were together since freshmen year, I gave her everything, I trusted her with every once of me, I loved her, and she left. No goodbye, no explanation, she just left.

I haven't heard from her since the end of sophomore year, it's like everyone at school who knew her had no glue where she went and probably didn't even care. Her parents never liked me, so I never bothered going to ask them where she had gone to. They were high class, wealthy people and wanted the best for their only daughter, so of course I wasn't good enough. She deserved better and I knew that and so did her parents.

I tired calling her but it just kept saying 'the number you called has been changed or disconnected.' It said that every time I'd call it, for several weeks until one day when I thought she magically just pick it up after weeks of being MIA. It actually rang, about two times before a women picked it up. I automatically assumed it was her, I said her name and the lady sounded confused and told me she didn't know 'a Hayley.' I apologized for the assumption and hung up the phone soon after. I realized she had changed her number after weeks of being blind, when it was as clear as a glass window she had changed it. So I had no way to get in touch with her, I didn't even no where she was and why she was so mad at me to even begin with to where she felt like she had to basically fall of the face of the earth. I don't blame her though, I would want to get as far away as possible from me too.

I will admit that I do miss her from time to time though, but I've moved on. Finally. I've fallen even more in love with Alex since I've stopped denying my feelings for him.