Mockingjay: What If......

Chapter 4-Katniss

The next day, I got an anonymous note. I knew right away it was from Gale. It explained everything. I cried as I read it. When I reached the last line, I sobbed even harder. It was only two words. "Goodbye, Catnip."
Could he be gone already? My clock said 1:57 pm. I ran all the way to the prison entrance. When I reached the check-in, I had only one question. "Is Gale Hawthorne still in custody here?"
"Miss Everdeen, I am sorry to inform you that Gale Hawthorne died this morning in our custody of unknown causes. His family has not yet been informed of this tragedy." I dropped to the ground, sobbing. At that moment, Hazelle entered the room. When she saw me, she immediately knew what had happened.
The receptionist informed us that the body would be examined and they would try to determine the cause of his death. His body would then be delivered to his family for burial. The cause of his death was no question. Gale Hawthorne had died from torture in the hands of President Coin.
I ran all the way to my bed. I lay there for the thousandth time that week and cried my eyes out. Was life without Gale even worth living? There was no way I could continue living in district 13. How could I live under the rule of the woman who had heartlessly murdered my best friend?
There was absolutely no question in my mind what I would do. I went into our tiny kitchen and grabbed the sharpest knife I could find. The fastest, least painful death would be to simply stab myself through the chest. I laid down on my back and prepared to drive the knife into my heart.
Then I remembered. I remembered my promise to Gale, that I would be there for his family. I remembered hunting in the woods when I was twelve years old, alone except for one loyal companion. But most of all, I remembered Gale. His jokes, his laugh, his smile. His wonderful, self sacrificial personality. The way he trash-talked the capitol when no one but me was listening.
This wasn't what Gale wanted. He knew it was coming. He knew I would feel pain and sorrow. But he also expected me to handle this maturely. I feel so ashamed. Gale would be so disappointed in me. I put away the knife and sat on the bed, still crying. I now had a game plan. I would avenge Gale's murder, no matter what the cost.
Prim walked in a few minutes later. When she saw me there crying, she asked the one question I didn't want to answer. "Oh Katniss, is Gale alright?" I couldn't say it out loud. I just shook my head. She sat down on the bed next to me and comforted me, although she herself was crying now.
I couldn't bring myself to show her the note, so I simply gave her a warning. "Prim, if Coin offers you a job, don't take it."
She paled, white as a ghost. "This morning, Coin offered me a place on their emergency medic squad. I just couldn't say no!"
"Oh well, I suppose there's nothing we can do about it now. Dropping out this early would make Coin suspicious. Just promise me you won't do anything dangerous." She promised she wouldn't and put my mind at ease. At least as much as it could be at a time like this. I trusted her completely.
There was a simple reason why I didn't tell Prim the whole story. If she new why Gale had really been arrested, she would blame herself for his death. There was no doubt in my mind now who I loved more. I would give anything in the world to become Katniss Everdeen Hawthorne.
I had to go to training now. The attack would go on, Gale or no Gale. When I reached training, I was surprised to see Peeta there. Apparently we needed another man on the team now that Gale was gone. I had heard they were treating Peeta with tracker jacker antidote to de-hijack him. If he started hitting on me again, I would have to clarify a few things with him.
As I had predicted, Peeta headed straight for me when he saw me. "How's my favorite tribute? Haven't seen you much lately. What's up?"
I glared at him. "Back off, lover boy. Not a good time."
He seemed startled, but my meaning was clear. He walked away and left me alone the rest of the evening. I was acting pretty antisocial, and my instructor eventually sent me home. I lay in bed for hours plotting my revenge.
The next morning Hazelle wasn't at breakfast, so I took her some food. I found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring out into space.
When she saw me she said "oh, Katniss, you shouldn't have. I'm really not hungry."
I responded forcefully. "I don't care if you're hungry, you will eat three meals a day just like anyone else." I had made a promise to Gale, and I was going to keep it.
Each morning, I forced myself to get up, eat, and preform my duties as Mockingjay. I trained with my team in the evening. I fell into a daily routine of that sort. I tried to prevent thinking about him unless it was absolutely necessary. That was my way of dealing with grief.
My plan worked perfectly well until one day, Peeta walked up to me and said, " where has Gale been lately? I haven't seen him around."
I wanted to scream at him and tell him to go away, that I never wanted to speak to him again. But I controlled my anger. I responded in two short sentences. "Gale is dead. He died in Coin's torture chambers last weak!" With that, I stalked away.
Peeta walked up to me during dinner and tried to apologize. "I'm really sorry, Katniss. I know how much Gale meant to you."
I couldn't hold back my anger any longer. "Do you, Peeta? Do you really? Because I loved Gale more than I ever did or ever will love you! And if you thought you still had a chance with me after everything you've done, than you were wrong!"
Peeta looked hurt, and I almost felt bad. But I didn't. He looked confused, and a little angry. I knew he couldn't hold a grudge on me for long, and we would eventually go back to being friends. I needed a friend at a time like this, but no one could ever replace Gale.
Unfortunately, every possible friend reminded me of the games. In fact, they were all victors. Even Peeta was, but that was my fault. The thought that I should have let him die in the arena crossed my mind. That wasn't the first time I had thought that, but it was the first time I had meant it.