death || rsl

15

He didn't come back. I spent the whole weekend locked in my room waiting for him, but he didn't come back.
I woke up on Monday morning, super early may I add, and got dressed up on record time.

When my mom asked; "Isn't Leif gonna take you to school?" I stopped myself from getting out of the house, unsure of what to say.

I didn't answer his calls during the whole weekend. After listening to his desperate messages, I decided to call him back to let him know I was at home, sick. He was hoping to take me to school today. I made myself sit down and eat breakfast while I waited for Leif to come and pick me up for about ten minutes. Somehow, I managed to fake patience, until I reached the school's door. I couldn't feel him. He wasn't here.

Kendra's pout confirmed that he wasn't hiding from me. He just wasn't here.

Every class without him felt like ages of loneliness. Leif looked at me with a mix worry and frustration that I knew he was trying to hide. Once my last class finished, I got out of the building and headed home as fast as I could, hoping Ross would be there. I needed him to be home.

But he wasn't.

He was absent for two more days. When I arrived at the literature class on Thursday, I felt him.

The usual feeling on my stomach at the sight of him felt even stronger after four days without seeing him. I looked behind my back and there he was, giving Kendra his famous half smile. He laughed, and then scooted closer to Kendra to whisper something in her ear, which made her throw her head backwards, laughing. She looked in my direction and gave me a triumphant smile. Then I looked at Ross, who seemed not paying attention to me at all.

Ross looked at her with a seductive smile. He had kissed me and left me alone and confused, and then disappeared for four days. He was acting like nothing ever happened.
Way to go, Lynch.

I stared at him firmly, waiting for him to notice me.

He didn't.

Not being able to watch that scene, I quickly got out of the room. I bumped into Leif, who was standing right outside the classroom, where I left him. He was talking to one of his friends and then smiled at me surprised.

"Hey, did you forget anything?"

I shook my head, fearing the huge hole Ross left in my heart was visible for everyone else. I approached Leif and wrapped my arms around his waist. His arms hugged me instantly.

"We'll talk later." I heard him say to his friend. "What's wrong?" He whispered in my ear while he kept hugging me.

I wanted to cry because I didn't love him. Leif loved me and falling in love with him would be so easy. He'd never hurt me the way Ross just did. He was so kind and honest. Why didn't I love him? I tightened my grip on him, fearing he'd be able to hear my thoughts. Nevertheless, it wasn't Leif who was able to hear my fears.

Leif started rubbing circles with his hand on my back. Tears started falling nonstop and I hated myself for crying in his arms for another guy. I once hated him, because he thought he was too good for me. Now, I hate myself, because I know he is way too good for me. I didn't deserve him, I clung onto him anyway. Maybe I didn't love him, but I surely needed him. He had no idea that my insides felt like they've been ripped apart, due to someone or something had rejected me.