Delightful chaos

Thirteen

WARNING: this chapter contains scenes of cutting and self-harm.If you can't handle such scenes, skip this chapter.
( This is gonna be kind of a sad chapter, but yet I like it)

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- Luke :

I've always heard about those late conversations past midnight and how interesting and comforting they are, had always thought it was some pure unrealistic bullshit.

But then, there was something about last night – something I've never had the opportunity to experience in ages, and it felt utterly prodigious to have a normal chat with a seemingly-normal human being like Rose.

XXX

I came back home so late after walking Rose back home since it was pretty late. I was super exhausted, and apparently I've slept right after coming home, because I woke with a strong headache for I had slept appearently too much.

I lied in my bed for a long twenty minutes doing absolutely nothing and it was just one of those days when you wake up with strange mood swings – when I had mood swings it would too often consist of many dreadful thoughts, they were such bothering moments to handle, it would come unexpectedly and unbearably, so fucking uncontrollable. So basically, today was one of those days in which I'll have to turn back to my older habits.

After lying in bed, being extremely lost in my own anxiety and sorrowful thoughts, I thought I just didn't have such an ability to overcome this melancholy without reaching for my razor.
Being in a complete disordered mess of thoughts and pain, I rushed to my bathroom searching for anything, seeking any tool that would just make this feeling in my chest disappear, or reduce it a little bit.

XXX

Two hours.

Two hours in the bathroom, drowning in my own blood.

The funny part is, I ain't got no idea for what reason I'm doing this to myself. Is it that I'm scared of my own self? Is it that I wanna escape the anguish being built in me every single moment of my damned life for being too weak? I had asked myself quite a lot, too many years actually, but never did I come to an answer. I was too little and pathetic to be that strong typical human being. But in the end, it was okay – it was okay because, in my mind, I had convinced myself that it is completely 'right' to be wrong for a world like this.

I looked down to my arms, and examined the deep cuts. Somehow, I was glad to see them and to see the blood still rushing in my whole body; for it meant that I was at least still alive. After several moments of calming myself, I had been finally released from all the imprisoning suicidal and depressive thoughts – they were awful. It's always been like that; I often end up realizing that all of this was doomed for me.

XXX

I cleaned myself and cleaned the bathroom from all the blood my body had lost, I was shaking for the loss of blood, but I tried to ignore it.

I wanted to make me breakfast but I realized it was too late and I didn't have any appetite for that anyway, so I sat on my couch and listened to metallica's songs playing on the background. Without noticing it, my mind wandered to last night and I was kind of worried about her, not like I didn't make sure she was fine but for some unknown reason, I was.

I couldn't control my actions until I found myself dialing Rose's number on my phone, being utterly anxious waiting for her soft voice to fill the line.

The phone rang for ten seconds, but there was no answer.

I thought I should just let it go because I will definitely meet her with my friends from school, but then I couldn't let go of that which was insane. So I dialed her phone number once again.

After some moments, I heard a murmuring tired-voice "Hello"

I was too stressed for a damn phone call, "Uhh.. hi, it's Luke. I just wanted to call to check on you.. A-and..to... um, actually, would you like to come over?"