Delightful chaos

Fifteen

February 15th, 2010

I stepped in the house, feeling enthusiastic for telling my parents about how well my tests went, I had been studying for those tests more than a month, it was such a relief to have all of that work finally done.

I made my way upstairs, as I got closer to the hallway... all I could see was a dreadful, unbelievable scene. I didn't realize what was it all about until I reached the sorrowful, drowning-in-blood bodies lying on the ground, a gun was right beside them and a couple of bullets; the ground had been shot too, it looked so destructed. I ignored my fears and doubts and stepped even closer, until then, I realized that I was standing right in front of the dead bodies of my parents.

Shock, guilt, fear, emptiness – an endless list of feelings; haunted me all at once, and suddenly, I felt weakness in my body as I was unable to move, nor talk. I fell down on the floor, with no capacity of controlling myself.

My little sister, Lauren, walked towards me; tears on her face, blood smeared on her clothes and both hands.

"He.. he d-did it.." She stuttered coldly, I couldn't look at her nor could I look at the traumatizing image of my dead parents on the floor. It was all too tiring to even look at.

"Who is it, Lauren" I said, with a shocked tune in my voice.

"My.. un-uncle" She said. And those two words were the last thing I had heard from Lauren. Her small body fell on the ground, as she was still mumbling something, I don't remember what it was.

And then, it was only me left, and all I ever knew at that moment is that my life was turning into a living nightmare and I could do nothing about it.

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It all came back haunting me once again, I thought I had forgotten but clearly I was lying to myself all the time, convincing myself that I actually got over it. But that scene, those dark thoughts were a ghost that will always live inside of me, and there is no way to escape that.

I sat near my sister on her hospital bed, as I was still remembering how terrible she felt the other day. I had always thought she was the most hurt and innocent person in this whole thing.

When I realized how I started sinking once again into those memories, I got myself up from the bed, kissed Lauren goodbye and walked out of the door; I couldn't keep staring at her unconsciously and terribly sick in a shitty hospital room like that, for I couldn't help but blame it all on myself, I was the only reason our life turned into this hell, really.

__________

It was more than just messed up; having to face everything after I got out of rehab, there are still things unknown and hid and I needed to figure a lot of stuff all at once, so the thought itself made me even more anxious. I was at my usual spot in the park as I was listening to the piano songs I have on my playlist, it made me somehow get rid of all the thoughts.

I stayed there for over an hour until I felt like my anxiety was maybe gone for an instant.

I took my bag and turned my heels until I, unexpectedly came to face a familiar face, and then I stood dead on my tracks.

~@�O:�