a heart's end

Thirteen

Monty

    When I was younger, I had never given any thought to anything. Not saying I was airheaded, or emotionless, just everytime I was told to think of something I just couldn't. Counselors would tell me to close my eyes and think of my happy place when I started getting anxious. My mother would tell me to think about my life after high school as I was cramming for exams. My teachers would tell me to think about the solution, not the problem. But I couldn't think of a problem either.

    I wholeheartedly believe that's where my disregard for human nature came from. I never got certain things that my brothers or my classmates got. Natural things, like communicating with my peers. Thus making me a very awkward individual. However, I hope to expand my social interactions one step at a time. May that step be easy or hard, I don't know.

    I had not heard from Anaelle in some time. the air was turning a bit cooler and the leaves were getting there auburn, burnt orange color rather quickly. Mid September was my favorite time of the month, everything was pretty about it. The weather, the scenery, and the turning of the seasons. Kalena and I have hung out once or twice, with more privacy than what I would deem necceccary. Everytime I see Anaelle around campus, she is always with her boyfriend, Donte. I know she sees me. She has to. But they look happy, which is alright, I guess. She smiles more frequently at him than at me, but I try not to let it affect me.

    It seems like I placed myself in a rut. Wake up, go to school, eat, sleep, repeat. It was an endless cyle, and one that I didn't want to be in. I was thinking of ways to spice my life up a bit without having to find a girlfriend, but as always, I fell short. And the times when I would find something to do, it would always be with Lucca or Arno. I didn't want to be stuck anymore, and I felt like nothing was coming my way. That is, until Auden came up to me after my English class.

    He was smoking a cigarette, his light brown hair had grown in the past weeks and he had it in a small twiggy ponytail atop his head. I was sitting on one of the benches placed between buildings, shuffling through papers and doodles trying to find my math study guide. If I get below a ninety on this exam my average will drop to 98%, and that is just unacceptable. I barely even noticed him until he took a seat next to my right, startling me.

    "Woah there, hotshot. I wont strangle you." He offered me a cigarette and after a second I accepted. The burn in my lungs got easier every time I smoked. I could feel my lungs getting blacker and for some sick, twisted reason I enjoyed it.

    "Thanks," I mumbled. Having the study guide in my hands made me able to concentrate on what Auden was saying.

    "You remember my girl Daisy, right? From a couple weeks ago?" My eyebrows rose with curiosity. Of course I remembered her. How could I not?

     "Yeah. What about her?"

    "Well, you remember her telling you she's a playwright? Yeah, well after the closing her last play, some guy called another guy and she got booked to fill about a 400 seat theatre. Pretty cool, huh?" he smiled, smiling at this accomplishment of his girlfriend. My heart went out to Daisy, I knew she was probably estatic about this. I never got to see her last play, but I know it rolled in some money.

    "That's great. I'm really proud of her." My voice showed no sign of the questions I longed to ask. Why is Auden telling me this in a rushed voice? Why is he telling me at all?

    "Yeah, well see the problem is she is already working on a couple other projects. So me, being the wonderful boyfriend I am, offered to help her with her newest play." He ran his hand through his barely-there beard.

    "Oh, well that was very nice of you."

Silence. Not awkward, just silent.