a heart's end

Ten

Monty

    "Momma, I miss you." Sighs of relief breathed from my lips when I called and she actually answered. It was almost 1 in the morning, so I knew I was waking her up. I felt like it's been forever since I've talked to this kind woman.

    "Oh, baby! Momma misses you more! Is everything okay?!" She squealed. Her speaking in third person used to annoy me, but now I long for it. Being homesick is really an actual thing. And it sucked.

    I was sitting in one of the fluffy chairs they always have at the lobby of apartments. A wooden table was in front of me, the TIME magazine had a picture of Neil Armstrong looking happy. I wonder if he ever got homesick on the moon. I had been sitting here for about 45 minutes. My drunkeness was gone, but I still had my buzz. I wanted to go back upstairs so bad but I couldn't bring myself to. The sound and colors and the people and the atmosphere just wasn't for me. I wanted to be back home in Mississippi reading a novel, or fishing with Marco, or wrestling with Mathis. Nothing was okay, everything was suddenly wrong.

"Everything is fine, Mom. I just had a bad dream and wanted to call you."

"Well you know you can call me at any point in time. Not matter if it is 1 in the morning." She laughed and I chuckled. She was stirring around on the other end of the phone. I can imagine her flipping the lamp on knowing it won't wake my dad and shuffling down to the kitchen to talk. It's what she did every single time someone called at night. How the conversation went depended on what she did while talking. When my Aunt Helen called to tell her Pop died, she made 2 gallons of sweet tea. The first time Mathis called her from college, before he dropped out, she paced back and forth around the table. When my dad called to tell her Marco broke his arm while night fishing, she sat on a barstool and played tic tac toe with herself. She's a very odd woman.

    "I know, Momma. I know."

"Well Montgomery since everything is okay, I think I'm going to go back to sleep. Marco has a baseball tournament tomorrow and Mathis wants Waffle House tomorrow morning so I have to up early." She laughed gently.

I wanted to ask her so many questions in that very instant. I wanted to ask her if Dad made her feel like Anaelle makes me feel. It feels like it's happening all of a sudden but I know over these weeks Anaelle has left her mark.

I wanted to ask her what her input would be on literally the first girl I've ever had these feelings for. She would freak out, probably. Tell me to follow my heart but that's where the source of all this pain is coming from: my heart.

I honestly don't think she would understand. Her and my dad have been together forever. High school sweethearts and married right out of college. They have never known what it feels like not to have each other because they've always had each other. It feels like I'm going through this completely alone and part of that is because I'm embarrassed of my feelings. Anaelle is rude and mean and I shouldn't have the feelings because she has these feelings for another man, Donte. I don't want to feel this way but I guess it's true. The heart wants what it can't have. But if I could have Anaelle's heart just for a second, I'd make her believe the world is beautiful. Just like her.

"Monty?" My mothers voice snapped me out of my thoughts.

"Okay, Momma. Tell Mathis and Marco I said hello in the morning and tell Marco good luck for me. I'll call you soon."

"Okay, baby. I love you."

"I love you more."

I stood up and took a deep breath. My mom didn't ask questions about what I've been doing, which is good. I'm a terrible liar. I stuck my phone in the pocket of my jeans and ran my hands through my hair, softening its waves. I needed to go back up there and mingle for a little longer. I was so tired it felt like my eyes were nonexistent.