a heart's end

Fourty

DONTE

    

    "Mommy, why are you crying?" I patted my Mommy on the face. I didn't like it when she cried. Tears always mean bad things. She wrapped me up in her arms and held me tight as Daddy barreled down the spiral staircase with bags in his hands. Why did he have bags? Is he going on vacation?

   "It's okay, Donte. I'm fine. It'll just be me and you for a little bit. But we can make it, right?" She whispered at me. She sounded very scared yet she smiled. I love it when she smiles.

   "Yes, Mommy." I whispered back.

    My daddy gave me and Mommy one last look. "And I'll be back for the boy. I'll have to talk to my lawyers but you better believe I'll ruin your life." The boy? What boy? Mommy sat me down and stood up, I've never seen her so mad.

   "Like hell you are. Donte is mine. And when he grows up I'll be sure to tell him all about his father who lied, cheated, and gambled his way out of this family. The alcoholic man who swore he would never lay hands on me again, until he did just that. And I have my own lawyers who will make sure Donte stays with me. Now leave."

    I blinked back tears, but it was no use. They came anyway. That was the last time I'd ever see my father until this year. And my mother did just as she promised, growing up all she would do is paint this portrait of a horrid man that was my father. I hated him, I hated him more than I hated myself.

   My mother gave me everything, he gave me nothing. He missed birthdays, holidays, sports games. Everything a father should've done, he did the opposite. Now that she's gone, he wants to start a relationship with me. I would rather die.

    Die.

   I checked the time, two in the morning. I was somewhere in New Jersey, I hadn't really been looking at the signs. I don't care about stupid signs.

   I wanted to die. I couldn't say it out loud. My best friend left me for someone else. My only family passed away tonight. I have nothing to live for. Nothing.

    I had to pull over on the side of the road to stop my dry heaving. I hit the steering wheel and screamed. I cursed God for giving me this life, this life with nothing but heartbreak. I cursed my father for not being there, I cursed Anaelle for breaking my heart, and I cursed cancer for taking my sweet mother.

    I stayed silent after a minute, my car still parked on the side of the road. I stopped crying and stayed up for hours just looking at the night sky until I saw specks of purple and blue. Silence has a way of clearing one's mind.

    Dawn had come and a sense of relief flooded over me. I knew what I had to do. My phone was dead in the cup holder. Nobody probably called anyway.

   For the first time since I found out, I smiled. I didn't think twice, it's alright. It's all alright. So what if this isn't how I pictured my life? I had a mediocre 19 years on this planet. It wasn't exactly horrible thanks to Anaelle.

But Anaelle is no more and with her goes my heart. I wasn't always the best to her and she by far wasn't that great to me. But we loved each other with a passion no one else had. We were there for each other our whole lives, we knew things about each other that no one else knew. Like the great poet Edgar Allan Poe once said, "we loved with a love that was more than love". Me and Anaelle loved poetry, but she especially loved Poe.

He had also said, "all that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream". I looked at the sky and I realized that I could control when my dream ended. And I wanted it to end more than anything. Why keep living if there is nothing else to live for? I started my car again and drove throughout the morning. I drove and drove and listened to nothing but the sound of my own thoughts.

As I was driving down the highway, I suddenly knew something wasn't right. I checked my tire pressure but my reaction time was limited. Before I could even slow down, I was in the air. My car was being flipped by what I would assume was a popped tire. I felt my soul leave my body as I flipped and flipped. I heard my bones crunch and my head banging the steering wheel multiple times. I knew I was conscious when I finally stopped, but I felt my life ending.

"Are you okay?!" One man shouted.

"Someone call nine-one-one!" A woman screamed.

    At that moment I didn't want to die, but it was to late. At that moment I saw what I hadn't seen before: my future. I caught a glimpse of what my family would've been like, what my wife would've looked like. I saw my college degree, and in some way I saw Anaelle and I staying friends. But it was to late and all I could do was scream.

In some morbid, twisted way I'm glad I'm going to die this way, screaming out of the busted window of a flipped car. That way Anaelle would think it was an accident, and that she would have no idea that if I hadn't of flipped, I would've killed myself anyway. It's better for her to think that I wouldn't have done it.

I felt my Mother's hand lift me from the car. I heard the other side calling me to come home. I saw the golden sky and it sure was beautiful.

    In the sweet, blissful moment all was forgotten. Goodbye, Anaelle.

I'm finally free.