a heart's end

Thirty

Monty

The night before leaving home I dreamt about Ciba. I have no idea how him and Francis worked out, and it saddened me to know I never will. I dreamed that Ciba found a new girlfriend, one that wouldn't cheat on him with scrawny white guys. I dreamed that me and Anaelle attended his wedding, and I was even his best man. It was a weird dream, about a moment that felt like it happened so long ago. I was acting like Francis for loving Anaelle. Donte was Ciba for not knowing.

Anaelle

I didn't want to be back in New York. I wanted to stay in Mississippi forever, I could have never came back. But what goes up must come down, and every euphoric feeling has a dramatic downfall.

It was Saturday morning, around 7 AM when we touched down at Laguardia Airport. Monty was silent, he has been this whole time. He had a very tearful goodbye, especially when it came to his mother. I didn't talk to him because I didn't want him to cry, so he just looked out the window the whole plane ride back.

Monday classes start back up, then it's back to normalcy. I have papers to write and tests to study for. I am back to being a normal college student except not in debt. Yay me.

Donte texted me last night telling me he was getting back into New York tonight. I don't know my feelings, they are no longer apart of me. If I was another person looking at me, I would be ashamed. The logical way to handle two guys would be to dump one and stick with the other. But the decision is just to hard to make.

    My heart is always so heavy.

    In the taxi, heading back to Central Park where NYU stands, Monty turned to me. I had my headphones in but I wasn't listening to anything. I didn't pay attention to Monty looking at me because he does that often, until he spoke in a hushed tone.

    "Are things going to change between us now that we're back in New York?"

    I wasn't looking at him, and I closed my eyes. Ignoring Monty's heartfelt questions is what I needed to do right now.

     Are things going to change? Of course they are. I have a boyfriend here. One that just returned from seeing his dying mother. Am I really going to break up with him after that fact? I've been known to do heartless things but I don't know if I could do that. It just might kill his overly emotional soul.

    I looked at Monty and kissed his lips, placing my hands over his. Removing the headphones, I spoke soft.

    "Did you say something?"

    He smiled at me and shook his head. "No. No I didn't."

    I don't want to give him up. Not yet.

    It was around noon when I finally got back to my dorm. I went to Monty's dorm first and helped him unpack, and hung out with him roommates. Daisy was there with Auden, and she was just beautiful. Arno has some other German girl with him, I could tell because they were speaking to each other in a language I couldn't understand. I smiled at the thought of there being some dating website for Germans only. Monty offered to come with me to my dorm and help me unpack like I did him, and I was hesitant but finally said yes. I really needed some time alone with my thoughts but he was a good distraction. 

    "Thank you for helping me unpack." Monty pushed the up button on the elevator while carrying my bags.

    "It's no problem." I pushed my hair behind my ears was we went up the flights in the building.

Once we got to my dorm I didn't hear the usual music of Abbaline's music or Kalena's annoying HGTV tv channel. It was eerily silent on the outside for Saturday afternoon. I wonder if my roommates were even in here. I need to freshen up before Donte gets here tonight. I needed to talk to him.