a heart's end

Fourty One

Anaelle

    I've known so many endings to so many lives. Donte is gone and he died hating me. I can't help but think of his last thought before the car flipped. I will never know his last words, but I can't help but feel like his last words were screams.

    I hadn't slept in three days. The bags that crept under my eyes turned a deep purple, mocking me and my selfish ways. Every time I close my eyes all I can see is Donte's broken bones and mangled face. Haunting nightmares return to me every night and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I hadn't eaten in days either and my ribs are protruding further than normal. The thought of anything in my stomach makes me want to gag. My greasy limp hair dangles in front of my face all the time but I can't find the energy to wash it. I wish it was long again that way I can mask some of the pain I'm in by the strands. The tears and constant crying over the last three days puffed my face up like a balloon. I looked like a monster. But I deserved it, I deserved all of it.

    Monty stayed by my side the whole three days. He didn't tell me to get up, to get a shower, or to eat. He laid next to me when I sobbed. He covered me up when I shivered. Kalena tried to help, but it was no use. Her constant stopping by Monty's did nothing but aggravate me and eventually I stopped answering when she knocked. Nothing she could do could erase the past. Nothing could bring Donte back. He was always trying so hard to pretend that death was his friend, but it actually was his nemesis.

   One of the days, and I don't remember which one, my mother called me bawling. She explained again that Donte had gotten into a freak car accident somewhere in Pennsylvania which I already knew the night it happened. She told me as soon as he was rushed to the ICU that he had flipped his car. But I knew better. There was no accident, I killed him. The feeling I had when she told me is indescribable. I knew before she called me he was gone. Her saying it aloud just felt like verification. It felt like someone picked up my body and dunked it into freezing water. I thought I was having a heart attack; my heart sunk so low. I knew what was going to happen and I couldn't stop it. I couldn't.

    She told me that the funeral would be in Maine on Saturday and that I should be there. She offered her house to me and Monty, even though I didn't know how she knew we were together. She didn't sound callous, she just sounded hurt. I told her I'd be at his funeral, then I hung up on her. I didn't want to talk to anyone, especially her.

    On day five I woke up. I didn't know I had fallen asleep, but the sound of someone coming in the door startled me. As soon as I woke up I felt my heart stopping again. At least in sleep all was forgotten, then the crashing reality comes down on me. When will it ever stop? Will it ever stop?

   "Hey honey. It's me." Monty said as he sat on my bed and stroked my hair. "Sorry I woke you." I looked at the clock, 8:00 A.M.

    "It's okay." I mumbled. Something inside me told me to speak, to actually communicate with Monty. "I was actually going to get in the shower before class. I haven't been able to focus lately with all this crap going on. I might take the rest of the semester off. I think I've missed the maximum amount of days anyway." I rubbed my eyes and Monty nodded. He looked nervous, scared even.

"We might want to pack when we get back. We leave tomorrow for Maine." He spoke soft and I glared at him.

"It's Thursday. I thought we were leaving Saturday morning."

"Donte's funeral is at 8:00 A.M honey. We would have to leave so early to be there at that time. And I know your mom wants to see you." He was so concerned for me. It pissed me off. How did he know my mother wanted to see me? I didn't need anyone to worry about me. Not after what I did. I pinched my eyes shut. It was annoying how he excessively called me 'honey'. Is that a southern thing?