Who I Was

❤so many thoughts❤

I'm going to talk about the worst problem I could ever have my thoughts. When I was young I always saw the good with the bad. Since I've grown older I now see the bad with the good. Have you heard the saying
"Why do bad things happen to good people?" Well I finally know the answer to that question. Good people need to experience the bad before getting any luck. You need to have a little bit of wounds in order to get what you need. God believes we are all strong that's why he throws tasks at us that will give us a few scratches.

Yes your probably thinking.
"But I don't want to live anymore if it's gonna keep killing me like this."
I've felt your pain, but let me tell you something there's a reason why some people leave you, because they don't know what good influence they have yet until they realized they lost it. Yeah we all get attached to something. Yeah we scream in pain because it hurts, but that's ok. It's ok to cry. It doesn't make you weak it never made you weak. In fact it makes you stronger, when you cry it gets you ready for the next chapter in life. That's how it works. You have to keep reading the book. Don't just close it and put it in some shelf. That's not how it works. You need to stay strong so you can show people what your made of.

Now my problem are my thoughts. I'm always thinking. When I'm asleep, when I'm watching something it's everywhere. My mind is like a galaxy once it's done thinking about one thing it goes to another. Sometimes I ask myself why I even existed. Why I was even born, and I start to cry and I call myself

Worthless
Pathetic
Mistake
Fat
Dumb
Small
Annoying.

I'm clingy yes that is very true. I get attached easily and when people leave I get heartbroken. And I start to lose hope. When I'm really depressed I look at knives but then I remind myself of all the little kids that depend on me to do better with my life. Yes I've been bullied it was horrible. Like I said before I've had a bad past we've all have. Boys and girls everywhere would always say mean things like

Why do you eat so much
Why are you so fat
Why are you so clingy
Why are you so ugly
And the worst one
Is this girl always this sad.

Not gonna lie I'm a happy person I can easily hide my sadness. But when a person says is she always like this they're making it seem like it's my fault that I'm depressed. It's not my fault. I'm sorry I'm not your perfect friend, but it's not my fault I'm so dark. I'm sorry if I ever bother you too much, but I can't control it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I get attached. I'm sorry I'm clingy. I'm sorry I annoy you, but honestly I can't help it. I'm sorry. I don't speak much because if I do I end up being ignored. That's why I feel like I ruin my friends lives. I ruin them. I make them depressed. Because I cling on to them too much. It's my fault they have to put up with me. I'm the real reason they're depressed and I hate it. I don't like hurting people with my sadness. It breaks my heart knowing I can hurt people, but honestly it's not my fault I'm like this. I'm sorry but I can't do anything about it. I'm sorry I'm not the perfect friend or child. I'm sorry I'm clingy. I'm sorry I'm depressing. I'm sorry I'm not perfect. I'm sorry for being worthless and stupid. I'm sorry for not being good enough. I'm sorry. Just give me a break.

My thoughts are my weakness. They're the reason I get depressed and look down at myself. My thoughts roam around and tell myself I'm not good enough. That I need to change. My heart tells me to stay who I am but my brain says to be different. I don't know what to do. Do I change? Or do I stay hideous and messed up. I don't know but honestly I feel like I don't belong here. ~ akaweirdgirl ❤