Who I Was

❤looking back❤

Hey guys I know I haven't been updating lately and I know it's late, but I could really use some ears. My life is hard at the moment. It got tougher I thought I could handle it, but honestly I'm slowly losing my grip. No I'm not depressed, but rather frustrated and scared. Teachers pressure me telling me to step up everything when in all honesty I'm doing the best I can. Telling me to keep my thoughts aside when I can't. Everything that's happened flows through and it just starts to crush me taking all the air away from my lungs. It kills me, but honestly I don't even mind the pain anymore. I keep telling myself "your gonna do great and keep everyone around you happy" but that's not how life works. I can't keep everyone happy. I'm stupid for ever thinking that I can change that.

I lay awake at night thinking what might happen the day after. Scaring me I still get up for school and still keep a smile for my friends. Telling them I'm fine. Telling them in ok and just bite my lip and just hold back the tears. Telling myself to just keep my mouth shut because that's how I was taught. Just keep your mouth shut, it's easy. It hurts like hell, it feels like your actually dying slowly with no cure but happiness. Happiness is hard to find these days it either comes from a friend or something that just makes your heart skip beats. But you can lose a friend, you can lose that something within going forward in life. All my life I've been believing that everything will be ok, but why do I have to keep telling myself these lies? When can I stop smiling and start crying without getting judged. When can I start sleeping like I used to without getting hurt and just shrugging off the pain. Without getting judged by people or even parents. I'm sick and tired of the same pain. Getting up in the morning with little courage I have left and smiling just so everyone can be happy. Yeah we all need to cry, but all of a sudden people think it's funny to laugh at you crying. People still telling me I can't do it. That I should just give up. That I should just quit. The worst pain is knowing you gave your love to someone and they just leave.

No matter how much you want to keep that person they'll just end up slipping from your fingers. All the promises you made to each other were lies. You making them happy was just a fake smile all along. They just keep hurting you and breaking you, and it's sad because they said they loved you and we keep running back to them. It's like everyone said depression and anxiety together are hell mixed. One makes you over think while the other one makes you think you don't care but in all reality you care so much. It slowly kills you till you've had enough and honestly I'm tired. I just wanna curl in my bed covered in my blanket all day away from drama and pain.

It's funny so many people said they'd be scared if anything happened to me, but honestly I just don't see it. Why would anyone care for a depression freak like me. Oh how I used to be so happy, but my, my how life changed me badly. I was so energetic before, that was until time caught up with me. I try and I try and I try to make myself feel better and tell myself I'm just dreaming, but honestly I'm living in a nightmare and I can't wake up. My body has so many wounds that I can barely even stand anymore. I'm just bleeding and my body is getting weaker and weaker the more I walk. Why not just leave? I'm so obnoxious it ain't even funny, and worst of all I'm so clingy.

Why would anyone like a clingy person. Aren't they usually annoying. Always texting you and bothering you when your busy. Why does anybody like that. Well guess what I'm that exactly. I get worried and start thinking bad things no matter how stupid they are. I get so attached and I start to become more annoying and obnoxious. Just waiting to see if they're friends would ever text them back. It's so annoying. That's the biggest flaw I have is being clingy. I wish I wasn't clingy then people would actually be happy to be in my life. I'm just so sure that I bother them. Always looking at my phone getting worried and I start to panic. It's so stupid. It's like I can't depend on anything else but that.

So yeah keeping my mouth shut would be a good idea. No longer being clingy. No longer being loud. No longer picking on people I'll just stay quiet forever and just leave everyone alone. That's what's best right? Is to just not annoy people anymore. To just keep everything to myself until i can't take it anymore. To just cry at night and wake up like nothing happened? Is that how your supposed to live life? Is that how life works? I just don't get it. I know everyone has their reasons, but really what am I doing here. What's my purpose on this planet. Why was I made honestly I think there's been a mistake because I'm not meant to be here. I don't belong here. I belong in a place where there's no pain and sorrow. So why am I still here. Oh yeah that's right, because I'm trying to prove something when all I'm doing is just making things worse for my life. So I'm tired. I don't know what to do.

Thanks for listening... ~akaweirdgirl ❤