A/N: Hi guys! So my classes began last month and I have a very toxic sched and schoolwork plus some org shits. Pinilit kong i-post ang chapter na to so I could announce that I might not update this for a few months. I might update this at December or January since that's my sembreak. Anyway, enjoy this UD! I'll still try to update this in between the next months.
Chapter Playlist:
The Only Exception by Paramore
Science And Faith by The Script
Forever And Always by Parachute
Still Breathing by Mayday Parade
No Words by The Script
Baby, I'm Yours by Arctic Monkeys
Mr. Right by A Rocket to the Moo
°°°
"Because losing someone does not happen once. It happens everyday he's not with me."
AITHER
I AM SCARED TO OPEN MY EYES.
But I did anyway. All I can think of this morning is that if this is a dream please don't wake me up. Never wake me up, please. Wanna know why I am scared? I don't deserve her. There will always be this constant fear in me because I know that once she discovers how much I don't deserve her, she'll leave faster than the lightning. And I never want that to happen.
Kasi kapag tulog siya hindi niya maiisip na iwanan ako. Kaya habang tulog siya, sigurado akong magkakasama kami. Kasi pag gising niya baka maisip niyang iwan ako. Kaya dito lang ako sa tabi niya habang may kasiguraduhan pa. Pwede naman akong magpanggap na kami na talaga di ba? Pwede ko namang isipin na akin lang siya, okay lang sa kaniya na maging akin siya, di ba? Pwede ko namang lokohin yung sarili ko na mahal nga niya ako, di ba? Ako lang naman may alam. Hindi naman niya malalaman at hindi ko rin naman kayang pigilan. Kasi gustong gusto ko to. Kasi mahal ko siya na kahit na hindi ako deserving, ipagpipilitan ko pa rin hanggang hindi niya ako pinapatigil. Kasi mahal ko siya. Kaya lagi lang akong aasa. Kaya lagi lang akong nandito. Nyeta, pake ko kung hindi kami para sa isa't isa. Mahal ko siya.
And this has been the best morning of my life. Spes is sleeping peacefully in my arms and I have to be careful not to crush her to me because I have waited a long time for this. I saw it in her eyes last night through the haze of alcohol and drugs, she loves me. She could love me. If not today then someday. Our future together is not as hopeless as it seems. Finally, there's a chance that she could be mine.
Good heavens. Spes could be mine. I am smiling stupidly at that thought. She could be mine and mine alone. It feels so good to think of that. My heart wants to burst in my chest because after all the hurt and the pain. She could belong to me.
I stared at her face. Her blonde hair in a tangled mess. She was snoring lightly and her lips parted a little. She is so beautiful. I can feel tears forming in my eyes, it's just so overwhelming. I have waited a long time for this. I never expected that this would feel this way. I wanna run around the village screaming like a madman but at the same time I just wanna hold her. I feel insane. I wanna laugh and cry at the same time. I never had this kind of peace and contentment in me. Being with her is the only thing I love to do. I am so grateful for the privilege of falling in love this hard with Spes.
She stirred a little bit and faced me. Burying her face in my chest. I felt my heart going to a freaking rampage because of that. That even in repose she recognizes me and I cannot resist the urge to kiss her hair. I want to kiss her everywhere but I restrained myself. I want to pour myself and my love for her. Shit. I must not. I cannot overwhelm her, she might get scared and leave me. My love for her might terrify her. I wish I can help myself but everytime I see her, I wanna lay the world at her feet. Listen to what she has to say and pay attention to her, I hope she does the same to me but I wouldn't be surprise if she does not. I am a shitload of crap and I will always be sorry that she'll have to deal with that. I want the best for her, I would never want or ask her to settle for less; yet I could not let her go. I cannot allow her to find another one. To find someone who can be the best for her. Because God knows, I wish I am. She deserves the best and I cannot give her that and I dare claim that I love her. Ang kapal ng mukha ko. Nakakahiya ako. Pero ang mahalaga lang talaga sakin ngayon kasama ko siya. Napaka selfish ko. Pero lahat naman ng nagmamahal nagiging selfish eh. Irrational ang pagmamahal.
