The Spider Diaries [FIRST DRAFT]

Friday, 07 June, 2002: Letter to Him

Dear Cole,

Yes, you are still dear to me. Even though you verbally abused me. Even though you've frightened me every time you shouted at me and banged on the glass that separated us.

I want to tell you, before I tell you all the new things that's happened to me in the passed two years, that I know you're hurting in there. It's only nine and a half years left. And you might get out early with good behavior. You just need behave. I know you, you can do it.

I heard my little sister, Jessica, has been visiting you. I hope you're being nice to her, she is only seven and a quarter years old, after all. She told me she met your friend's sister.

You probably don't want to hear how great my life is going without you. Or maybe you don't care at all. I don't know. But I'm going to tell you...

And, no, life hasn't been great. I've never been more depressed in my life, except for maybe when Colby died. Yes, I have a boyfriend and I love him, but he still hasn't taken yours or Colby's spots in my heart.

I had a dream the other day, Moley. I had to shoot two out of the three most important men in my life, except my dad of course. You know how he's been trying to be a part of me again.

It really hurt me to shoot two people that are so dear to me. But I had to, for my mental health. Though I doubt that's the real reason. I believe it's because I want Mark to feel that he's the only one that I love. But you know that's not true, Cole. I love you and Colby so much. You just hurt me so much, and that's what made me walk away.

I'm not saying I'm coming back to you. I have moved on with my life in that perspective. But I still love you and I'll always hold you dear in my heart. No matter what you have done to me or to anyone else. Colby wouldn't have let me stay mad at you.

Then again, I'm not mad. Just disappointed, I guess. You promised you'd never hurt me. You did. Not physically but emotionally. You promised you'd always love me. I doubt you love me now. I haven't visited since my first letter. I haven't phoned you. I haven't even bothered to find out if the inmates are treating you okay in there. You are a snitch - no matter how horrible that sounds, it's true - and snitches have it hardest in prison, besides rapists and abusers. I guess even criminals have morals.

Anyway. My life hasn't been great. School's been hectic with workloads and everything. I feel like I just can't wait to finish school. I'm going to take a gap year and work a little, maybe get my art into an exhibition.

Mark's been a darling, even though the school found out about our relationship. Oh, I forgot to tell you... Mark is my new art teacher.

We fell in love when we shouldn't have. We're planning on moving in together after school. Maybe.

He's really nice to me, Cole. He treats me like a lady and he loves me. I know this sounds weird, but I can see a life with him. A life in a house with children running outside.

I can see myself growing old with him. I can see grandchildren and family reunions.

I can see myself meeting his father and stepmother, who apparently is a very lovely woman and has helped his father come back from a depression caused from Mark's mother's sudden death in a car crash.

Is it just me, or are people always dying in accidents around me? First Colby, then you almost died, then dad's wife, then I find out about Mark's mother. How many people are going to die around me, Cole?

So many people I'm connected to have died because of something. Skylar's mom. Amazon. So many people are dying. And I'm hoping no one else does, because I don't think I can take any more bad news.

O hope I'm not boring you with my words. I know I can be quite the rambler. I guess I just need to vent to someone I trust.

I trust Mark, but... He doesn't understand that I feel like I'm somehow connected to every single death. I know I'm not, and I know people die for simple reasons, but I can't help feeling responsible for them...

Again. I'm rambling. But it's worst. I'm rambling about self pity. And I'm gulping down blame to make me feel better about everything that's going wrong in my life.

I do art, as you know. But I need to do a piece about what's most important to me. I can't think of a single thing. There are so many things that are important to me.

You. Colby. Mark. Kate. Skylar. Mom. Dad. Joslyn. Jessica. Art.

There's just to much. I guess I should just pick one thing that symbolises everything.

But what?

I always come to you when I have a creative block. Please help me?

Yours truly
Jane.

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A/N: Okay, guys.

So another chapter. What do you think?

Vote, comment, share?

xoxo Bianca M M