The Spider Diaries [FIRST DRAFT]

Friday, 30 November, 2001: Time to Give Up

It's just before exams start. Cole and I have been fighting... a lot. Though I still visit him every chance I get, which is at least once a week, he still fights with me. He's always saying that I don't visit enough. Or that I don't phone him enough. Or that he's the one that always phones me. And most of its true.

But I'm not going to phone the prison. If I phone the prison, anyone could pick up and I don't want to talk to other prisoners, especially if it's Timothy. I can't come daily because I also have school to worry about.

I'm visiting again today, I hope he doesn't shout at me again.

***

"Oh! So, you finally decide to visit me again. Bored with your life, are you? Want to make me feel special, do you? Want a fucking later when I'm out, do you?" Cole leans back against his chair's backrest, phone against his ear. I flinch at his crude words.

The glass that separates us is the only thing that makes me believe that he can't hit me. He's hit the glass a couple of times in previous visits. It's like he wants to beat me. I can't even bring myself to believe that, on the inside, he doesn't want to. Since August, he's been acting like this.

Other inmates and their loved ones would stare when he started assaulting the glass. When he spoke cruelly the inmates would glare at him. When I replied in my self-defence the other inmates' loved ones would look at me with sympathy. Often, when I was crying after a visit, the other loved ones would hand me tissues.

"How are you, Cole?" I whisper through my phone, forcing myself to be calm.

"I'm in jail, Jane. How do you think I'm doing?" He sneers through the glass. He hasn't called me Spider in months, and I haven't called him Moley since then either.

"I'm just trying to make small talk, Cole. You don't have to be like that. Stop acting like a douchebag for long enough to see that you're hurting me. Stop for long enough to see that you're losing me." I speak with a strained voice.

Every time I look in the mirror when I get home from one of these visits, my face looks more drawn and I look paler. These visits keep me up at night. I'm always scared he's going to find a way out and come beat me in the middle of the night.

"I don't like small talk." He crosses his one arm across his chest and glares at me.

"Well, then what am I doing here, Cole? What do you want from me?" I ask, my voice growing more hysterical as I go, "Do you want me to just sit here and take your verbal abuse? Well, I can't do that, Cole. I won't anymore." I put the phone down and get off my chair. I stop the tears that threaten to spill. My expression blank.

I slide a letter I wrote and rewrote a hundred times over under the glass and leave without a word.

On my way, everyone offers me tissues. But this time I ignore the offerings and leave calmly.

I know I'm going to have nightmares tonight, but I'm going to endure it, get through it and move on.

I give up.

I'm sorry, Moley.

***

Only when I get home do I let myself break down. I crumble onto my bed and bawl. Mom phones Kitten and Cloud. They rush over.

They didn't know how bad things had gotten with Cole. They comfort me until I've cried all my tears, then they ask me questions, which I answer. They're shocked. Then they're suddenly angry.

I tell them that it's over and that they don't have to sort it out.

"You're so strong, Spider." Kate says. I break down all over again, hearing my nickname not from Cole.

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A/N: Okay, guys.

I know! Don't kill me! It has to happen. I know I could have done it in a less harsh way. But I need you guys to hate Cole right now.

Please don't kill me.

Thank you for your support on this book.

xoxo Bianca M M

P.S. Another chapter this month! Maybe I should have exams more often! Lol!