PART ONE
I wouldn't exactly say I grew up in a broken home, but growing up in this house would guarantee you broken. During the course of my stay here there were things that died inside of me. I never noticed of course during my childhood years. Until a secret was forced upon me. Dirty, disgraceful secrets that I was too ashamed to admit to myself.
As a child, you are expected to act normal. You are expected to have that atom of respect in you, you are supposed to play with your peers and mingle with everyone, you are supposed to go to school and understand every thing that was being taught.
But I was different.
I had eyes that always stared, looking innocently, making people feel so guilty for what they didn't do. It was sometimes considered a good thing. I always heard my mum tell her friends back then, boasting to her friends when ever they came around, about me having spiritual eyes.
"You see my daughter, Hadassah, God uses that girl to catch my enemies. Do you remember Beatrice, one of my step sisters?"
"Yes" They would say
"That stupid girl was trying to poison my husband. Can you imagine? After what I've done for her? Brought her out of the village to sponsor her education and this is what she paid me back with? Poisoning my own husband?"
At this point they would exclaim. "Jesus", "God forbid" "The devil is a liar"
"She was trying to take everything from me! I never noticed, never even thought of it! But let me tell you something, the wicked shall not know peace!"
"Yes! that's right Sister Anna!"
My mother would chuckle at this point, enjoying her own story.
"My daughter began to stare at her. It was obvious that the girl knew she did something wrong. She kept staring and one day when we were all eating, apparently I wasn't there at the time because I just had Mariah, and was attending to her. Suddenly she started shouting, I will confess oh. I will confess!"
One woman exclaimed in tongues.
"That's how she confessed that she was planning to poison his food that evening. And Hadassah was putting her under pressure. May your enemies be put under pressure!"
"Amen!" they all chorused
Sometimes I thought that she was only exaggerating, I was too young to remember any of that. I didn't have an idea of what the Beatrice looked like. I hear that she's dead now, and till today nobody knows how. Some suspect ritualists, others suspect suicide.
My mum, was among the mass that thought of suicide. "That one is her business. Isn't her story similar to Judas Iscariot? She thought she would escape from her guilt. The devil is dealing seriously with her." She would say nonchalantly.
But all advantages have their own disadvantages, right?
My eyes that were symbols of praise were also symbols of insult. I had gotten hits because people thought i was doing it on purpose, staring at them just like that. Sometimes i didn't even know i was staring.
"Are you okay? Will you stop looking at me like that? Do you even have respect" They said all the time. And obviously I couldn't defend myself. I only looked away with places stinging from the hits and ear pulls.
Even my mother complained. Most times to my father.
"Darling, is there something wrong with this girl?"
My dad didn't look bothered. "How do you mean?"
"I mean, see the way she's making people uncomfortable. Maybe it's a spiritual problem"
"Everything is not a spiritual problem, Anna. Stop it. She is only a child"
"Did you see the way she was staring at those visitors in the afternoon. The wife was complaining bitterly"
Dad picked up the newspaper. "Once you stop bothering about what other people say about your daughter then you will realize that she just has big , beautiful eyes like yours and there clearly nothing wrong with that" He resumed his newspaper reading. The subject ended after that discussion.
After the eyes, came another problem. Me not concentrating in school. I found it hard to understand things as a little child. I preferred to learn things slowly, and though my mum had me sit at the front of the class, still, things were difficult for me. And my eyes were blurry. It was quite better, sitting behind, than forward. Because my eyes failed me. But I didn't tell anyone.
On a fateful day, at school, we were being taught addition. The teacher had taught the subject quite quickly, or maybe that's what I taught. But I didn't understand it.
An then, she called me. To come to the board.
On the board, I was able to see the numbers 5 and 3. And it was addition. So she meant 5 + 3. She wanted me to write the answer on the board.
I didn't know the answer. So I just stood there, dumbfounded, standing there with the chalk in hand.
Immediately my mum came to pick me she was alerted.
"And I just taught them the subject, ma." My mum turned to me.
"So you don't know what five plus three equals to?"
When we got back home she made sure I practiced them all day and just before I went to bed I practiced it. When I got back the next day I was given the question and with all the confidence in me i boldly wrote the answer 'eight' on the blackboard.
And yet another problem. I had no friends. Not that they didn't want me, I pushed them away myself. I hated when they came towards me, because i didn't know how to communicate with them. At a point, I had to shout at a girl to get away from me. And then for no reason I began to cry. I used the words 'leave me alone' as much as I could use them.
Sometimes I forgot my own name, It would take long for me to reply to my own name.
Sometimes I was angry, and I showed excessive anger to my parents, the maid, the driver. I refused to let him take me home because for a moment I forgot who he was. He looked like a stranger to me
My mom sought refuge in the church because I wasn't understanding how at my young age I was beginning to act angry at the world. I was take to various church programs, all of them laying hands on me . And still I didn't change.
"Anna, the method we're using is correct but we have to do a medical examination to see if what's going on" My dad explained.
It took long to discover that I had autism. I was taken to the hospital and that's were it was found out.
"Autism occurs in children too?" Dad asked
"Which one is autism again?" My mom exclaimed.
"Yes, it mostly occurs in children, at a very young age. Your daughter is clearly showing the signs . Nobody would understand what it means because they believed that things like autism doesn't happen to Nigerians." The doctor explained.
"I know a very good children's hospital in the UK. The paediatrician there is a very good friend of mine. I can direct you there and let's see how it goes"
"Let's continue to hope and pray that it all works out then"
So after I graduated from nursery school, with the award in third best overall, to the surprise of others, We went for a family vacation in London. But I remained with my mum, going to see the doctor, went to a special school until it was confirmed that i was fine. After a year I returned back to Nigeria. And everything became normal for a while.
Still all this while nobody noticed that my vision got worse, but a lot of money had been spent on just me, and so as to do everyone a favour I continued to suffer in silence.
This was also the duration that mum was excessively kind, nothing like shouting, nothing like transfer of aggression.
It was years later, when I was sinking in my own suffering and the weight of the secrets was living inside of me, making my body heavy, and when a new conflict arose in my family, changing everyone, that the verbal abuses started
